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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I died at the age of 44





I have always believed I was going to die at a very young age. It started while I was still a small child, and was waiting for the D-day with a lot of enthusiasm. I believed that death was not the end; I already knew that it wasn't and that day was expected to be one of the happiest for me.

I was waiting, praying for it to come. I was expecting God to decide which ending would be the best one for me. I wanted it to be something hard, cruel, a painful death. 

Strangely, I still smile now whenever I remember those dreams I had, my prayers, my daily meditation when I was suggesting to God the scenario that would be appropriate for the end, MY END. 


Those dreams and prayers would fill me with peace. Those dreams were the only place where I would feel my parents' love. I would imagine them around my sick and immobile body, looking at me and wishing they had given me the hugs I had needed for so long.

I waited and waited. Years passed, and God still did not listen. Many times I tried to help Him, to push Him, to encourage Him, but He didn't love me enough to answer. That's what I thought at the time. That's what I still think sometimes. He doesn't love me enough.

Or maybe He does and wants something better for me? How am I to know? I think and I try, I plan and I fail,  I wish and neglect, but in the end, the plans we had agreed on long before I was born are the only ones that will come true.

He gave me a message very long ago that I will die at the age of 44 (I remember mentioning that in one of my Blog posts). Having a known deadline helped me and gave me some additional patience. 
I was getting closer. I was proud. This was the year, the year of the end of my suffering and the year when I would find true love with Him, beside Him. I waited patiently.

My 44th year has been the hardest of my life, and what helped me cope with it is the countdown I was doing. On the 22nd of each month I was getting closer and wondering 'when will it happen and how?'

On June 22nd, my depression was getting worse than ever. Three more months to go! God WHERE ARE YOU? I'm still waiting!! We had a deal, please don't forget me! 

God listened. God answered. He reacted. He sent his Angels for me. He helped them plan for it. He gave His Blessings. He made it smooth. He made it as painless as possible, using the best painkillers made of Love. He kept His promise. I died as planned at the age of 44.


The Nikky who has lived all kinds of horrors in her country of origin, died there at 44, only to be born again in Canada where she will have a long and painful journey, but a journey of freedom and love.



To be continued...

68 comments:

  1. Nikky is now at the BEGINNING OF THE REST OF HER LIFE

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  2. You begin a new journey with fresh hope and renewed spirit, dear Nikki. May you feel God's deep and abiding love for you in all that you do.
    Blessings, my friend!

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    1. Thank you very much Martha. Your prayers have helped a lot <3

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    1. Glad you liked it Jodi. I still need to believe it myself. I know it's the truth and a new life, but I'm still waiting to feel it.

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  4. I love your story, Nikky. It gives hope to anyone with a wounded heart and broken wing. You fly, no, soar and don't look back. You have a blank canvas to paint now.

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    1. Thank you Brenda. You always encourage me <3

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  5. Ohhhhhhhhhh I'm really speechless....I am waiting for my day...I'm tired of this journey on this earth...I want to be in heaven...I want to be there now....As always...XOXOXOXO

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    1. I understand, I want to be there too, but I guess I still have a lot to do to deserve my place <3

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  6. Pain is the greatest teacher and sometimes, God waits until we are exhausted. I admire you for your new-found courage and strength. He is there, waiting for you to live.

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    1. Thank you very much Anne. You're so right. It's only when I reached the lowest point that I found the strength and courage to react.

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  7. You will march forward, I am proud of the steps you have take. Grab a hold of the rainbow and fly....

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    1. I will never look back Jan. I will march forward and take whatever life has to offer

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  8. This takes my breath away, Nikky. I am very proud of you and so happy for you. I imagine you starting your new life with the beautiful smile on your face.

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    1. Thank you Tina. When you first told me you will be praying for me, leaving was still not an option.

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  9. Nikky, you amaze me with your words. God always listen even when we don't feel it. This is a new start for you and a bright day, may you find peace and love on this new road. You can be proud of you, strong friend.

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    1. I agree Marie. God always listens, but he waits for the right moment to give us the right thing

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  10. Patricia EastwoodAugust 8, 2012 at 6:18 AM

    You've been a caterpillar,
    Now you're wrapped in your cocoon ...
    The time to be a butterfly
    Is coming .. .... VERY SOON !

    We stand on the sidelines and applaud, Nikky.

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    1. I love that your reply is connected to the image I chose for my post. Thank you Pat. Love you

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  11. ~~Sweet Nikky.

    you have observed HELL ...&

    You. Have. Been. Resurrected.

    I thank God for YOU.

    And I shout out
    ""((Hallelujah!)) Nikky is ALIVE!""

    Love flowing from Minnesota. Hugs. Kisses. Warmth.
    Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    1. On May this year Kim, I wished so hard I could be with you. It seems so unreal. Next year, maybe?

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  12. I can't wait to read the continuation of this, Nikky! This post isn't the end as your 44th year wasn't. It was just a pause towards a life that presses onwards for all eternity. Blessings! ;)

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    1. Thank you Joyce. It wasn't the end, not yet. I am ready to face whatever comes next.

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  13. Waiting for the next part anxiously Nikki...

    This year was not the end, it was just a bend towards a new way of life which is full of love and joy.

    Take care..!

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    1. Thank you Me. Love can turn the hardest life into a joyful happy one

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  14. You are reborn! Wonderful. May change bring you peace and happiness.

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  15. Your voice needs to be heard....maybe that is why you are still here.

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    1. You're right Sandy. I think I still have a role to do

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  16. Let's hope that your "new Life" is full of meaning
    be good to yourself Nikky
    David

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    1. Thank you David. I'm trying to be good to myself. It's not easy, but working on it

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  17. Such an incredible set of images. I can hardly wait for the next part of the story. And until then, my prayers go to Him for you.

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  18. Nikky don't tell me you are finally out of that misery? I have been so out of circulation that I must have missed something. God did finally hear your prayers then, he always does. He did it for me. I too died two years ago and now I am a new born Rimly. God bless you, my friend. May you have all the strength and courage to face and enjoy this new journey, this new lease of life.

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    1. Thank you Rimly. yes, i am finally out. God listened as always

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  19. Resurrection Divine. Beautiful affirmation, Nikky. Hugs. Your happiness is my happiness. Enjoy and cherish, Nikky. Love, Vidya

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  20. I am so excited for you on your new Journey, I don't think it will be a long journey or a painful journey, it will be a journey of your choice. You have freedom now to be, do and have all that you want in life for you and your children. It will be awesome! Congratulations Nikky, pat yourself on the back for having the courage to travel this journey to your rebirth. Love you! Linda

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    1. First time I talked to you on skype Linda, it was just a dream. First time you told me this dream will come true, i couldn't believe. It happened much faster than I thought. It works :)

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  21. a terrifying headline :( God always hears our prayer but he also chooses the best of us and i guess he knows better, i wish you the best of luck on your new journey and hope all your dreams come true :)

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    1. Thank you so much Samar. Sorry the headline scared you. i was scared of this for so many years

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  22. God was waiting for you to be ready for your rebirth. HUGZ to you Nikky. I look forward to reading all about your first steps....
    Lee :)

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    1. Thank you very much Lee. It's a new story that is starting now, and i will make it a happy one.

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  23. Aww Nikky... God has always been faithful, and yes, He allowed the old you die for the new you to experience that freedom you've longed been seeking for. This is a very touching post. And a post where hope shines, not only for you, but for us, readers, as well. God bless you <3 :-)

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  24. I'm happy you liked it Irene. I agree with you that God only chooses what is best for us

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  25. wishing you the best part of your life....is your future!

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    1. Thank you so much and so sorry for my late reply :)

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  26. Dear Nikki, may your new future be bright, filled with hope and happiness. Out with the old and in with the new, as they say! xxxx

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    1. Thank you Nelieta. A new start, a real one!

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  27. I"m so happy for you! I pray you are safe now. xoxox love you! ~Amber D.

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    1. I missed you Amber!! Thank you for your prayers, always...

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  28. Wow..I just got goosebumps. You are so brave and I am so happy for you. I cannot wait to hear the rest of your story.

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    1. I am SO late to reply and to write what follows, but i will, I promise :)

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  29. Nikki, I hope your move gives you peace.

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  30. Nikki, may your new start be the beginning of a wonderful new life.

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    1. Thank you Alison!! It looks hard now, but i know it's beautiful!

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  31. I love the way you transformed death so completely in this piece, and I'm wishing you peace and happiness in the life ahead.

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    1. Thank you very much Emily. Death is a re-birth :)

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  32. I am happy that you get a second chance to live life here on earth Nikky. I know the road you are on right now seems hopeless at times, but it WILL get better!!

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    1. Thank you so much Caroline. Yes you are right. It will get better and I start to live my new life now.

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  33. It sounds strange but I have asked God the same thing... I prayed, "Take me before I commit more sins..."

    And yet, the kind of death God has granted you is something that we are all longing for ~ it's a kind of freedom that doesn't bind you loose of problems...but the one that liberates you and gives you courage to face similar situations with a braver stance.

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    1. That is so true Melissa. It is so beautiful to feel free, and have the chance for a new life. It means a lot, it shows a lot of forgiveness.

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