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Friday, November 2, 2012

Suicide? Why?


It must' a been a place so dark, couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why that's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why that's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swayin' in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place

Oh why there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight

They were wrong
They lied
And now you're gone
And we cried
Cause It's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song




Why - Rascal Flatts




We met for the first time five years ago. My sister introduced you as her neighbor and very good friend, she said you were more like family. That sounded nice. Several days after I arrived this year, we became concerned for you, as you were so distressed about losing your job. So many times we talked about you, hoping to find a way to ease your anxiety. So many times we wondered Why you would find it so hard when you knew perfectly well that you would soon find a new job. So many times ..... so many times ...

 Why? Why didn't we hear any alarm bells? How come we couldn't realize that your pain was deeper than a normal loss? Why were we only noticing the changes in you but not realizing that you were sending SOS messages? Why were you alone at home that night? Why did the doctors send you back home pretending you were perfectly fine and were, basically, exaggerating?

I look at your husband. He is trying to be strong for your daughters. You abandoned him after all those long years together. He has been my son's best companion since we arrived, helping him to practice his English. I saw them many times a day talking and laughing! I see him now pale and tired, forcing a smile with two big question marks reflecting in his eyes. Why? 

I think of your daughters. Why did you abandon them? Why didn't you at least call to say goodbye? Didn't you consider how heartbroken they would be? How did you think they would manage without you? I know you will be there for them from where you are now, but they don't know that. They want you physically with them. They want your support. They need you to be at their weddings and to be there, spoiling their children. Why? Why did you do this to them?

I think of my sister and all the plans you made together. I can feel her pain, her guilt. She used to come to me and ask me questions about depression. She was trying so hard to understand your behavior and words in order to help you the best she could. She was so worried about you, and she still can't believe you're gone. She still feels she is hearing your voice. She still thinks of you and of ways to cheer you up, then she remembers the hard truth and says WHY??

Then I think of me. I had locked myself in my bedroom for so many days. Why did I choose to go out on that Sunday and meet with you and talk to you? How I wish I hadn't seen you, yet I wish I had read it in your eyes. You said we will talk. You asked me how I felt. You wanted to know if I was happy and if my children were adapting well to their new life in a new country. I looked into your eyes but I was blind to their language, blinded by my own distress. That was just a few hours before you were gone? How I wish I was more aware. Why didn't you tell me?

Why did you leave the stage in the middle of your beautiful song? A moment of anger, disappointment and despair when the orchestra messes with the rhythm of the song. One false note can be very disturbing to the ear. One can either stop singing, or decide to sing louder to cover up the disharmony.
You decided to stop singing.

I know why. I know that your death carries a painful secret: You only needed to be seen. You desperately needed to be noticed and to have your pain validated. That's why. Did you really want to go? I doubt it. You were desperately trying to understand why you were suffering that much ... which is why you went to that stupid Doctor, asking for help. You were confused about your own feelings. You didn't blame anyone else for not taking you seriously as you, yourself, did not understand what was happening.

I would never judge or blame you because I understand; I, too, have been that desperate. I, too, have wanted to end my hell ... but when I look at all the pain you left behind, when I see all the hurt your death has caused, and all the people who truly loved you, I can't help screaming with the others and saying WHY ?????

I'm trying to learn self love, but sometimes I feel better by only thinking of others. I don't want to cause pain to the people I love. I wish you had thought of those who love you ..... had realized exactly how much pain you would inflict on the lives of those you left behind when you decided to stop singing.


58 comments:

  1. So touched by this heartbreaking post, Nikki. I will keep all of you in prayer, my dear.
    May God hold you close . . .

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    1. Thank you very much for your sweet words Martha. Your prayers have always helped :)

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  2. Nikki: I sympathize and can relate to what you are going through. Loss, especially this kind, is so devastating. Your ability to put that into words the way you have is truly a gift. I do truly believe that when a person really gets to that point,they cannot see beyond themselves and have lost their grip on hope. As humans, we have a very strong survival instinct, so one must be in so deep, so tired, and in too much pain to be able to fight that instinct. This is very touching indeed, and I am so sorry!

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    1. Thank you very much Kimly. That's also what I told my sister when she asked me how could she do that to her daughters? It's true that sometimes the pain is so hard to deal with that we can't see anything else or feel anything else.

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  3. This is really very touching Nikky.... sending hugs to you... May God give you the strength during such times!

    Take care <3

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    1. Thank you Me for your support. With time and when things get calmer, I think we learn to accept the truth however painful it is.

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  4. Is there a why to 'this'? While reading your post, I asked the same questions slowly ~ I guess, we could never ever enter another person's mind. We could've...she could've...they could've ~ but no, Nikky...we couldn't... she didn't... they haven't.

    When this happened to a dear friend, I was mentally awake for a week. God has put me to sleep after I ceased blaming myself for what has happened. I was worried about her soul... and so, for all our dear friends who have gone ahead of us, we continually pray that God may lead them to eternal peace...

    Lots of love Nikky :*

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    1. I had goosebumps Melissa reading your reply. I'm so sorry you went through this same pain too. The questions will never be answered as there isn't a standard reply and everyone who does that may have a different reason. Thank you for your love and prayers.

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  5. Oh, so tragic. So very sorry, Nikky. I feel you. Wrenches the heart. Losing someone .... I know how that feels.

    Hugs, Love, Vidya

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    1. Vidya, thank you so much for all your love <3 <3

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  6. Nikky one can never say Why. We really dont know what goes on in a person's head. I lost a dear friend very recently and i was so full of guilt. But I realized I cannot be responsible. Decisions and choices in life can be made only by the person concerned, Nobody can force one or convince one to do otherwise. I pray that her family comes out of this tragedy and trauma. I am so glad you are learning to love yourself Nikky. God bless.

    http://rimlybezbaruah.blogspot.in/2012/09/is-this-love.html

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    1. Thank you very much Rimly. It is a tragedy. I can see it now more than ever. When anyone would tell me think of the pain your children would feel if you decide to go, I wouldn't believe them.

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  7. Wow..I know *you* have been there and made the conscious choices to change your external circumstances, changing the path of your life...so the action of this person must be much more difficult for you to understand. May your connection to her family be part of the love and support that they could use at this time...and may you use the reflection she left you to bolster your own courage and faith as you continue embracing the joy in your life :) Love and peace to you! And an energetic hug to her family :)

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    1. Thank you Joy!!! I missed you and I'm so happy to read your reply. You're right that it is very hard to understand specially when the person seems to have everything needed to be happy, but then again, no one knows what another is dealing with. Big hugs :)

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  8. I am so sad for your friend and especially those she left behind. It is so hard to understand why someone would leave others in this way. It sounds, though, as if no one's words could have stopped her. A mother's suicide is the most painful thing for children who are left with this feeling: wasn't I worth sticking around for?

    I know you have been in so much pain before and that part of you wanted to exit the world. But you were so brave. Your love and your thoughts of your children stopped you and thankfully you are still here for them, to show them a new life.
    I'm glad though, that this family has supportive friends like you and your sister to be there and help them heal.
    I hope all else is going well for you! <3
    L

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    1. You are so right Lisa. I realize how painful it is for the children. hers are grown up but still need her and feel the pain, so how would my kids have felt?
      You have always been so supportive Lisa. thank you so much for your love and friendship <3

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  9. Suicide leaves many questions unanswered and many possibilities unlived. It is brave to be that desperate and chose life, it really is. You live that bravery everyday.

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    1. Thank you Jodi. Thank you for saying it is bravery, and thank you for always reading between the lines. Love you <3

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    2. That is so true Jodi, so very true.

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  10. Nikky, Such a tragic loss. I am so sorry. You have written beautifully and bravely about this. I will be thinking of you and the families involved.

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    1. Thank you very much Tina. It is a tragic loss and an important lesson too.

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  11. Nikki! I am going to write a very similar post this weekend. I had a friend commit suicide about 2 weeks ago and I am asking the same things. I understand the questions you have for sure!

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    1. I hope you are feeling better Sandy. The questions won't be answered, but I guess we have no choice other than accepting what happened.

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  12. being that I am someone who nearly succeeded in ending my song I can tell you that the pain is so intense the darkness so black that no one nor their love can be felt or seen when you get to that point. There is little anyone could do. I heard words people said but never comprehended them, I had a knowledge of people loving me, but could not feel it.

    I am so sorry for your loss and the families loss, guilt is normal yet you did nothing wrong, no one did, love yourself even with this, knowing you did all that was humanly possible.

    Love to you my dear. <3

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    1. Thank you so much Jan and I'm so sorry you have been through that pain and really thankful you didn't succeed. Your explanation helped me. It helps to know that the person has no intention of hurting anyone, but she just doesn't feel anything except the pain.

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  13. I am also asking WHY.. though I have been at the other end... when I decided to end this life there was a peace.. and nothing else mattered... I couldn't see clearly.. I know it's had but stop asking why.. it just becomes more frustrating trying to get an answer you'll never have.. there is a grieving process.. and it's damn hard .. but know there is a hand reaching out.. if you ever need to grab on to it it will be there.. Love you....As always...XOXOXOXOXXO

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    1. Thank you so much Bongo. I felt close since my first visit to your blog. I felt you know the pain and understand. i think of you so often. Thank you for being so loving. Love you <3

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  14. These are beautiful and powerful lines Nikky. I think such a tragedy can only leave words like WHY wandering in the air. But sometime life for some is so difficult or maybe they are not strong enough to face what has to be faced. You have this courage, so keep fighting but don't harm yourself with too many WHY. Nobody has the answer. I pray for you and all the people near you missing this special person.
    Take care Nikky.

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    1. It was hard for me to reply to the comments as long as i was asking myself why. Today, I have decided to accept what happened and believe it was her choice and love her anyway. Today, I can just pray for her and her family.

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  15. Nikky, so sorry to hear about this. Keep being strong, reaching out. It always gets better.

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    1. Thank you very much Laura. It does get better. Now i can feel it.

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  16. Nikky,
    I love you.

    You. Are. Never. Alone.

    Xxx
    can I write to you or send a card?

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    1. Kim, I love you so very much. Thank you for being there <3

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  17. Because, Nikki,
    It was over. Everything was over. And the pain inside the heart was so unbearable that I had to go.

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    1. Yes Punam. That's true. That's what she would say. She didn't because she knew we would have stopped her and the decision was taken :(

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  18. Nikki, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the kind of pain and desperation that drove your friend to make such a decision. It's saddest for her children, of course, who are left behind without a mother. You are in my prayers, friend. Stay strong!

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    1. Thank you very much Bella. Her pain must have been very strong although she was hiding its intensity i guess. Now I understand better :(

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  19. It's really your heart poured out Nikki!

    I wish someone could give you a hug from my side...though I know there's nothing that can really lesson the pain of losing someone close. I know that as I've lost someone close to....wish I could help. Just be strong and keep the faith.

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    1. Thank you very much Harleena. Losing someone is always hard, but with suicide i think that the hardest thing is dealing with guilt. You do help ! Hugs

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  20. Strong and visceral writing, Nikky. I've never understood the reasoning to take one's own life. I always want to believe there is a reason to keep on fighting.

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    1. And you are so right Brenda!! There is always a reason to keep fighting, but sometimes the pain hides it. It's only thanks to good loving friends that I can always see those reasons. It's only love that uncovers those reasons.

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  21. Oh Nikky, I'm so sorry your lost your friend. My heart breaks for all of you. How it must hurt to be so clouded. To not realize how much your life matters. Oh, love...

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    1. Thank you very much Emily. Life matters, it is beautiful, as long as we don't let pain and fear ruin it for us.

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  22. Oh Nikky, I am so sorry to all of you for your loss :-(.

    I have only been on one side of this fence (in the shoes of your sisters friend). I think I understand why.

    But my heart goes out to all of you that are left behind. I hope that you can find peace and comfort in each other, and that the grief eases with time.

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    1. Thank you so much Meg.It's easier for us to understand why because we know how intense can be the pain, but I guess everyone has different reasons, and we will never know the truth.

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  23. oh am touched and sad, i hope God gives you the strength to endure what happened and to make your coming days full of joy

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    1. Thank you very much Farouk for your words of support!

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  24. Having once spent a lot of time trying to take my own life Nikky, I know the pain and sorrow, denial and self-hatred that resides at the core of suicidal thinking.

    I am sorry for your friend, for her family, your family.

    It is tragic -- and now, the father and children must heal. They must find a way through this. I pray they do.

    Blessings dear one. Your heart is beautiful. Your cry a reminder to all of us to love ourselves for all we're worth and share our beauty with the world without fear we will be found wanting.

    Blessings,

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    1. Thank you so much Louise. I'm sorry you have been in that much pain in your life but I'm so grateful that you are still here with us. You are working hard through your blog to help us all make this world a more beautiful and peaceful place. When we know the real pain, we also learn to appreciate what we have.

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  25. dearest Nikky a friend like you saved my llife,i found your blog while looking for someone to show me the pain my successful suicide would cause,different reason to your friend same outcome for our families,God bless You Nikky,may your light continue to brighhten & your star to soar

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    1. I'm grateful for your friend who saved your life. I am grateful for my friends and family who also save my life day after day. Suicide might be a relief for the person who suffers, but the pain it leaves behind is unbearable. I'd better suffer alone than make my loved ones suffer.

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  26. Nikky, this is beautiful. It's not always easy to understand why. I understand what you're saying. I too would not want to leave my loved ones with that pain, but I know not all people see it that way—or are able to. I wish they could.

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  27. Man...I'm SO glad I chose to pause and read this one. Between the tears rolling down my face at the loss of someone who, for whatever reason, didn't see what she meant to those around her...within the context of a massacre of little innocents by a madman just a few short hours ago...I have been forced to see my own choices of the distant and recent past in a whole new light. No matter how bad my circumstances may seem in the moment, I don't want to leave my wife and daughters and friends wondering "why?" Thanks Nikky.

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  28. Sorry 4 the pain Nikky. Am normaly very suicidal. 25 years old & no children. I av tried 3 times times but i was always interrupted. Two times i went to the darkest places at night but first time a brave driver stopped his car and the second time police were on patrol n caught me. The last time i was with my friend. He knws everything abt me, but i feeel i bother him so much. I dont care abt my family. Am just angry with the society. Am in a university but the students think am satsfied with life coz am social enough. I always think am not worth anything. I look around & see myself alone.

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    1. Pls help me get over this feeling.

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  29. Nikky, just wondering how you are? Thinking of you! Blessings all around you always.

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  30. Nikki, my dear, your pain is tangible in this post. I literally feel your angst, and I'm sorry. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences one must go through in life. No matter how much time passes, the loss is still vibrant; it still feels like it was yesterday. Sending you light, prayers, and happy thoughts, my friend. Stay strong!

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  31. Nikki I can see a streak of positive thinking in this post though it talks about loss, pain and regret. I know we have the capacity to rise above those dark moments, I know words have a big healing power and we all have that within us. Such are the moments when we understand how precious our life is to others, such are the moments that give us the strength to rise above our own anguish and learn the whys. I am praying for the soul that departed. I am praying for the solace that you will get by rising above and live for all those who love you.

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