Ego versus Soul

- Hey!! What’s wrong? What is this look on your face?

- Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you, please go

-Come on! You know I’m your friend and I just want to help

- No one can help me. No one can understand. I want no one in my life. You all want to hurt me, everyone. Please leave me alone. I’m not talking to anyone anymore

- You’re so angry. You’re so upset. Tell me what happened

- You want to know what happened. You want the truth? I’ll tell you. I’m the worst person on this planet. I don’t deserve to live. I’m a waste of time and space. I’m a waste of oxygen; that is what happened. I screwed up again because you managed to convince me that it was OK, that I was OK, well it wasn’t OK and it isn't OK and it will NEVER be OK.

- What are you talking about?

-She hates me. I know it. I feel it. Now she hates me. Everyone hates me. Whatever I do, I do it wrong. Whatever I say I say it wrong? Why do I have to be so stupid, please tell me why?

- You’re not stupid, and no one hates you. You know that

- No I don’t! They think I am different. They think I am strong. They love me for what they think I am, but once they see the truth, once they know who I am inside, they just run away. I would run away too. I don’t blame them. The more I try to change or make things better, the more I apologize and explain, the worse things become.

- You are different, everyone is. You are strong, one of the strongest people I know, and yes they love you for what they know you are; they love you because they know who you are inside. You are amazing. You are kind, loving, caring. That is what you are.

- Then, why do they all abandon me?

- No one is abandoning you. No one is running away from you. You are running away from others. You are running away from Love.

- How can I run away from Love when feeling loved is all that I need?

- It’s because you feel unworthy of that love, that’s why. You are so scared of being hurt, so scared they will stop loving you that it’s easier for you to imagine a problem, believe it, then create it to prove yourself right.

- I’m sorry

-Yes, you ought to apologize. Your negative thinking and your self-blame and self-judgment are constantly putting me down. You’re not allowing me to shine. You’re trying to hide me in the shadows of this negative image you created for yourself. Let me out, set me free, please. I need to live, you’re killing me.

- Do you think they would still love me if they can see you?

- They will still love you just as much and even more, trust me, because those who love you already know I’m there. They can feel me and know you’re just hiding me to try and protect me. I won’t get hurt, Please let me out.

- I want to. I really do but I’m so scared

- Don’t be scared. I will help you. They will all help you. You just have to make the first step.

- Can I get a hug?

- You want a hug? I LOVE you, silly ... you can have all the hugs you want from me FOREVER !

Diving in...

On March 25, Jodi wrote a blog post that started with this question:

"What will you do today without letting fear stop you?"

Today I will commit to start writing again without letting fear stop me. It’s a need I have thought about every single day for a long time, but I was paralyzed by fear.

One might wonder what has fear to do with it? Writing for me is not a career nor a life changing plan so how can I fear something I have already practiced for a few months that only got me positive feedback?

My fear didn’t come from writing, it only came from dreading loneliness and abandonment. It doesn’t really matter if my English is good or bad. It doesn’t really matter if the subject I’m writing about is interesting or not. I write because I love to. I write because it’s a hobby I enjoy and that helps me.

To simplify, I was afraid that after disappearing for all this time, I might disappoint you and lose your support when you realize that I am still struggling to overcome all the consequences of my previous life, the life I abandoned less than 2 years ago. I feel ashamed of my depression, but at the same time, it’s only your support that helped me out of it. What do I do?

Ask for what you want instead of complaining. (check out Jodi's video about it)

I want to get better. I want to smile and to laugh. I want to be myself and feel appreciated for who I am. I want to love and feel loved. I want to live.

I am ready to do all that it takes to get what I want. I am ready to break the walls I have built in order to protect myself. I am ready to fight for my new life.

The only thing missing is emotional support. I need support, sometimes I need a lot of it. I tried to do it alone, then I tried with intensive counseling, I tried distraction, I tried it all, but was afraid to ask for it from you although I believe that a community like this is a source of true love and sharing.

Phew!  Now that I said it, will I have the strength or courage to share this post? I don’t  know, maybe I will? I have nothing to lose and plenty to gain.

How about you helping me share my story? How about getting to know me better, my past, but also my dreams and wishes, my beliefs and thinking.

I would love you to ask me questions about my life, to suggest ideas for blog posts, or ask me personal questions which I will try to answer as honestly as possible in future blog posts.

Here goes ----- I'm diving in!