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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Diving in...

On March 25, Jodi wrote a blog post that started with this question:


Today I will commit to start writing again without letting fear stop me. It’s a need I have thought about every single day for a long time, but I was paralyzed by fear.
One might wonder what has fear to do with it? Writing for me is not a career nor a life changing plan so how can I fear something I have already practiced for a few months that only got me positive feedback?
My fear didn’t come from writing, it only came from dreading loneliness and abandonment. It doesn’t really matter if my English is good or bad. It doesn’t really matter if the subject I’m writing about is interesting or not. I write because I love to. I write because it’s a hobby I enjoy and that helps me.
To simplify, I was afraid that after disappearing for all this time, I might disappoint you and lose your support when you realize that I am still struggling to overcome all the consequences of my previous life, the life I abandoned less than 2 years ago. I feel ashamed of my depression, but at the same time, it’s only your support that helped me out of it. What do I do?

Ask for what you want instead of complaining. (check out Jodi's video about it)

I want to get better. I want to smile and to laugh. I want to be myself and feel appreciated for who I am. I want to love and feel loved. I want to live.
I am ready to do all that it takes to get what I want. I am ready to break the walls I have built in order to protect myself. I am ready to fight for my new life.
The only thing missing is emotional support. I need support, sometimes I need a lot of it. I tried to do it alone, then I tried with intensive counseling, I tried distraction, I tried it all, but was afraid to ask for it from you although I believe that a community like this is a source of true love and sharing.

Phew!  Now that I said it, will I have the strength or courage to share this post? I don’t  know, maybe I will? I have nothing to lose and plenty to gain.

How about you helping me share my story? How about getting to know me better, my past, but also my dreams and wishes, my beliefs and thinking.
I would love you to ask me questions about my life, to suggest ideas for blog posts, or ask me personal questions which I will try to answer as honestly as possible in future blog posts.

Here goes ----- I'm diving in!



20 comments:

  1. Lovely... I hope you find lots of encouragement...

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    1. Thank you very much Charles for being a great support and for encouraging me to start blogging again!

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  2. So glad you are back, Nikky! You have been sorely missed, my friend. Keep on writing, sharing, healing and growing.
    Blessings to you!

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    1. Thank you so much Martha. I missed all of you and missed blogging too. I'm so glad to be back, but still struggling with is it right? am I doing it OK? Is it OK to ask for help like that, publicly? I Pray and hope I will continue because it helps me and I need it.

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  3. I have missed you so much, Nikky, and am so glad to read your words again. I hope you can imagine me giving you a hug and giving you support. I hope you can imagine many people doing that. Please don't be afraid to share who you are and what you need and want.

    As for what to write about, are there any things that you've wanted to tell others about, but you hesitated? Any words that have been on your mind that need to be written out? Sometimes I have that experience, that words are forming in my mind, but I don't have the motivation to write them down, or I think they are unimportant. But then when I share them, I feel so much better. I hope writing will bless you.

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    1. Thank you so much Tina! I've read your reply many times because what I need now is a true loving hug from someone who cares. I have always been scared to show how vulnerable I can be, because I hear so often people say: surround yourself with happy people if you want to be happy, and this saying make me believe people will always find a reason to get away from me if they seee I am not happy.
      Thank you so much for your encouragement.

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  4. Nikky, I love seeing your blog and knowing more about you. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you for reading and for your support pancake :)

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  5. I think you've reached the apex of courage right here,Nikki - allowing yourself to be deeply and openly vulnerable among both friends and strangers. All you have to do is to keep doing that, over and over. I'd expect it still to be challenging, but each time it gets a bit easier.

    I dont't know you well, so for a topic suggestion I'd like to see you describe a single memory . . . one that perhaps has produced contradictory results in your life. On the one hand, the chosen memory would be about something you regret having had to experience, while on the other that experience may have taught you something, or changed you, in a way that leaves you appreciative and grateful.

    Good wishes and good writing!

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    1. Thank you very much for encouraging me and for your words of support. You're right that it is a challenge. I've had many moments of doubt this week, whether I want to continue or not.
      I will certainly consider writing about specific experiences, hard ones that taught me a valuable lesson. Thanks again!

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  6. Nikky, you are a woman of great courage, and that courage is not only helping you transform your life, but will influence other women who have shared your struggles. It's great to see you back in the blogosphere.

    I'm sure you've had a lot of time to reflect, and I'm interested in knowing more about your life now, about how it has changed since you've been away. I often think of you and your children...I'm sure there are things that are sensitive and private, but I'd love to know how they're doing as well.

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    1. Hi Nadine!!! Thank you so much for commenting! I have missed you and stopped getting email notifications for your blog so I assumed you stopped writing? I hope I'm wrong.
      My life has changed in so many ways. Although there are moments I might regret some parts of my old life, but I'm 100% grateful to be away from the hell I was living in. It's weird that I never thought about writing more about my life now. I tend to share more about my feelings, but that's a great idea to share the present and the hopes for the future rather than looking at the past. Thank you very much!

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  7. Hi Nikky,

    It's good to be back on your blog - after long :)

    And why not, you have the power within you to move people with your words, as I have read your earlier posts, so go right ahead and share what you feel, we know you can do it. Yes, there is always a start and at times we need a push to re-start or move ahead, and knowing your courage and will-power, you can easily do it.

    Thanks for sharing. Have a nice weekend :)

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    1. Thank you very much Harleena. It means a lot to me to read your beautiful words of encouragement. I do need a push to re-start. I think I still do even now after making that first step. I know I can, I hope I will. <3

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  8. I think that is the main focus of what writing is...it's about you for you...and anyone who wants in on the ride, is welcome. I find so much support on my blog. Sure there are the ones who only pop in when I'm well, but the ones who stick it with me, mean so much to me.
    Don't be afraid to spread your wings. What you say, regardless if you feel that it is not important, is important to someone. People may not comment but they're reading and connecting. Don't forget that when you get discouraged. You're a good writer friend and I am glad that you're back xo

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    1. Thank you very much Kim for your sweet words. You're absolutely right that what I write is for me and about me. In fact, writing things down kind of validate my story, my emotions. It makes it real and believable, because I struggle so much with people who tend not to believe, and their reactions frustrate me a lot and make me doubt myself and wonder: am I exagerating? I know I'm not, and truth is that I often tend to minimize what happens or how I feel so that others can believe.Thank you so much for your help. Much love <3

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  9. Hey there stranger! How odd that we both decided to start blogging again at about the same time. I am looking forward to catching up.

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    1. Hello Sandy!!! Thank you so much for passing by my blog!! I'm glad you startedblogging again. I hope things are going well for you!!

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