Today is your birthday.
Today I would be busy and anxious preparing you a birthday surprise party.
Why anxious? Because I knew that whatever I do, you wouldn't appreciate my efforts.
You know what? It was fine for me that you didn't appreciate the effort I put in for you but what made me so worried was trying to understand what you actually DID want.
If I prepared a party, you'd say you hate to make fuss of your birthday and I'd pay for it.
If I just did "nothing" and made it a simple celebration at home with only the two of us, you'd get angry and decide that you were obviously not important enough for me, and I'd pay for that, too.
If I invited your family, you'd say you like to have your friends around (and I'd pay for it).
When I invited your friends, you yelled and said 'What about my family?' and I'd pay for it.
When I invited them all, you worried about how much it would cost and I'd pay for it.
If I just ask you 'what do you want, what would make you happy?' I'd pay for it, and I paid and paid for every single thing I did or didn't do.
If I invited your family, you'd say you like to have your friends around (and I'd pay for it).
When I invited your friends, you yelled and said 'What about my family?' and I'd pay for it.
When I invited them all, you worried about how much it would cost and I'd pay for it.
If I just ask you 'what do you want, what would make you happy?' I'd pay for it, and I paid and paid for every single thing I did or didn't do.
None of the gifts was good enough, none of the dishes or choice of restaurant or cake was good enough.
I was crazy-anxious...
Today is your birthday, and I am still anxious.
You're not here and I won't have to prepare anything special, but I still wish I could. I just want to make you happy. That is all I ever tried to do. I wanted you to be happy.
You're not here and I won't have to prepare anything special, but I still wish I could. I just want to make you happy. That is all I ever tried to do. I wanted you to be happy.
I couldn't. I failed at that. I had to leave. Today you'll celebrate without us. I don't know if you'll be alone or surrounded by friends and family. I know your kids won't be there. I won't be there. My heart is sad for you.
On your birthday, I want to say thank you. This message will stay here on the blog, I can't send it to you, or I would pay for it, however nice it can be.
Today I am grateful for you, for the lessons you taught me. You've taught me a lot, so much more than you know. You've taught me all the things I dislike. You taught me how I don't want to be, who I refuse to ever become any more.
Thank you for being non-appreciative. I've learned how to appreciate everyone and everything.
Thank you for being disrespectful. I've learned the importance of respect, of people's worth and value.
Thank you for being uncaring. I've learned how to have compassion and feel the pain of others.
Thank you for being unloving. I've learned that love shines from the heart and through the eyes, not only in the words that people say.
Thank you for being manipulative. I've learned to think for myself and make my own decisions.
Thank you for being abusive. I've learned to be resilient.
Thank you for being violent. I've learned to be strong and handle pain.
Thank you for being who you are. I've learned I had to be away. I've learned I couldn't save you.
Thank you for holding me prisoner. I've learned to appreciate my freedom.
Thank you for lying to me, cheating on me, beating me, crushing my soul ....
You have such an interesting blog. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading your posts. All the best for your future blogging journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting Sridhar :)
DeleteHi Nikky,
ReplyDeleteI can read between the lines...and I feel for you, through your touching lines here. I wish things were different and better for you too. I know it's not easy to be with such a person, but I am glad that you've slowly come through that phase, yet the memories remain, but they made you a stronger person and taught you so much in return. We see the positives in the negatives, the silver lining in the grey clouds....such is life, and it carries on.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead :)
Hi Harleena,
DeleteThank you very much for your words of encouragement. It was a painful experience but it's true I've learned a lot. Life is not easy, but what makes it important is the lessons we can learn. I pray no one will have to go through the same learning process i had.
This is a powerful Thank You article Nikky. We are learning even from the ones who make our lives a nightmare, who cause us so much pain.
ReplyDeleteI am amazed at the wisdom you gained from this abusive relationship. You are away. You are safe. You are alive. And this is beautiful in itself.
Be blessed Nikky. XOXO
Thank you Marie. Your words of encouragement are very important to me. I know you understand very well what I have been through. Thank you.
DeleteVery touching! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteWe learn from everyone we meet don't we, even those negative people in our lives. Sometimes we wish we didn't have to learn the lessons they teach us. But if we have the right attitude, we can grow from those experiences anyway. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThank you Caroline. However bad the lessons were, they are past and for that I am happy. Much love!
DeleteThat you can take the negative and turn it into the positive, dear Nikki, speaks volumes as to how far you have come in your journey of healing. Forgiveness and love shine in this post. I wish we all could learn from our difficult experiences and turn them into an opportunity for healing and grace. You have done just that!
ReplyDeleteLove and blessings!
Thank you Martha. Forgiveness and love are what keeps me sane. I can't imagine my life without being able to forgive and to love, everyone, even and specially those who hurt me.
DeleteNikky,
ReplyDeletesending you love love love. xxx
Love Love Love you too Kim!! A LOT!
DeleteYour words are powerful and inspiring Nikky. when we stand in our truth, lovingly and fearlessly as you do, we cast a light for all to see their way through the darkness. You are brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThank you Louise. A light through the Darkness? that is exactly what I feel when I read your posts. Much love!
DeleteHi nikky, this post is incredibly powerful. I have chills and tears. Stay strong! You have learned lessons no one should ever have to learn. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Lisa. Chills and tears is how I felt writing it too. It was going straight from the heart. It's a painful realization to still feel the connection and the power this relationship had on me, and still has.
DeleteI love your list of "thank-yous." I can agree, as I have shared about my survival: every good thing I have done, every good thing I will do, they are all motivated by the anger I feel toward my mother (who should have protected, believed, and helped me). Forgiveness is a process. I'm not completely there yet. But I don't try to forget, I don't think that's possible. But I do try to live without remembering. I've just started to blog and share my thoughts about being abused.
ReplyDeleteHugs Nikky!! God bless you :)
ReplyDeleteThis is touching
ReplyDeleteyou are talented Nikky
keep it up :)
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ReplyDelete