April 20, 2002. It was a Saturday. The week was very busy and hard at home. She was reacting bad to the Morphine patches. We started to see the truth, the bitter truth that we had been refusing to accept. All the false hopes they had given us were replaced by anger and frustration. Where are those Miracles you had promised? Why did you make her swallow all those carrot juices, onions and honey? Someone came to us, and told us he received a message from above, telling us that if she eats onions, honey and carrot juice for three weeks, she will be cancer free, and we will all be singing Alleluia!Three weeks ended, 6 weeks were gone, and she was only getting worse and worse. The last week we finally realized the Truth, She has told us the truth. She knew it and was ready.
She gave each one of us a message to carry all life long.
She couldn't remember my father's name, so he asked her with his angry and sad voice: "WHO AM I??? WHO AM I? Can't you remember me?"
She opened her eyes, and said: "You are the one I love".
When my youngest sister sat on her bed, mum looked at her and said: "Please be happy. I want you to be happy".
To my other sister her message was different. In fact it was an enigma for everyone except for me. She told her: "I want to tell you ALL the truth. You have to know the truth".
My sister, worried, said: "Tell me now? What truth? What am I supposed to know?"
Mum replied "I will send you the answer at the right time, from above".
On that Saturday morning, I got my message. She had stopped eating, was in pain and almost unconscious. The doctors came to our home on Friday night and said it was over, and that we should send her to hospital. We called the ambulance, and they arrived to take her away from home, her home. It was so hard to see her carried away, knowing she would never return. Neighbors were on the balconies or the stairs saying their goodbyes. My two sisters rushed to enter the ambulance while I was watching from a few meters away. She turned her head and tried to speak. Looking at me, she raised her finger and told them: "I want her, only her with me in here". I took a seat in the ambulance next to her, held her hand while she finally shed her first tears and cries of pain. For the first time, she let go of her pain and feelings, for the first time, I knew she was physically really suffering. The pain was drawn on her face. I heard painful tears running from her heart. I could feel Death coming for her, and my heart filled with ALL of her love which, through my life, I had felt deprived of.
She chose ME to be with her.
She chose ME to be with her.
She wanted ME to see her tears.
She loved ME.
That was her message to ME,
That was her message to ME,
To you Mum! (a page of my diary on the 30Th of September 2007)
In my session of Friday the 28th of September:
She asked me to describe you; I told her that you are beautiful, elegant, always smiling, and always happy.
She asked me to tell her about what I don’t like in you; I told her that you are so sweet and so kind, that I am jealous to see how people love you. I don’t want to share you with the others.
She asked me how you are treating me; I said you always treat me very nicely, giving me small pushes when I need it, and encouraging when I act well.
She asked me what you taught me; I told her you taught me to be responsible, respectful, honest, and sincere.
She asked me what happened to you; I couldn’t tell her anything else than: you’re gone and didn’t come back.
She asked me why I talk about you in the present tense; I answered because my friend told me that you are still here with me, just behind me, giving me strength and support.
Please stay with me, comfort me, I need you Mum!
http://echoes19.wordpress.com/2012/04/21/positive-positive-positive/
Nikky, this is one of the most touching posts I have ever read. Oh, the tears!
ReplyDeleteSimply and utterly beautiful, my dear . . .
Thank you Martha!!!I am glad you liked it. Sorry for the tears. Tears are a sign of love :)
DeleteWhat a beautiful testimony to your connection to her. Always full of love, you are, no matter what! Always willing to share and grow and deeply see a person's divinity, through it all! Love you!
ReplyDeleteJodi
Love you too Jodi. Thank you very much. Mum is really special.
DeleteThank you for sharing this, Nikky. It is beyond beautiful. I can't think of a word to truly describe it, but it affected me deeply. You have so much love and compassion, and such a wonderful way of thinking about those who have gone Home ahead of us. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tina. I'm so happy you appreciate my writing. Much love :)
DeleteNicole ... THIS post is wonderful and demonstrates, clearly, that your writing moves onwards from strength to strength.
ReplyDeleteYou moved me to tears more than once, and I know the story!
Tati was an admirable woman, who I wish I had known while she was here. Her love for you lives on, dear, within your heart.
I love your powerful writing which clearly demonstrates both your skill at painting word pictures, as well as your firm and strong spiritual Faith.
Pat.
Pat, Tati was a very special lady. She has left a great impact on everyone who know her or even met her once or heard about her. Family, friends, students, colleagues, wherever I go, people look at me and say: She was one of a kind :)
Deletei'm so sorry you had to go through this ,, this post brings tears to my eyes
ReplyDeleteThat is life, and we will go through these situations in life. We just can't avoid them, but we can learn how to deal with them and see the beautiful truth behind every loss
DeleteWOW Nikki, what a beautiful and heart-felt post! Your love and compassion leap off the page every time you write something. You have a gift that I hope you will never give up. Big hugs, xo
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Leah. You are a great supporter of my Blog, and you helped me build it. Thank you so much!
DeleteYour mum definitely loved you ..I never had that kind of love from my mother..she was always there but never close to me. your writing is powerful and shows deep emotional undertones. From reading this, I can tell you loved her deeply and you miss her.
ReplyDeleteTrue Kathy. I loved her much more than I can say. She is my HERO!
DeleteHeart wrenching, but lovely and passionate. Mothers and daughters have the strongest bonds, even if they don't get along, there is a bond. Yours lives on, Nikky, embrace it.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful words Brenda! Thank you. In fact the bonds between my mother and I are strengthening day after day :)
DeleteNikki i can almost feel your pain. I know w hat it is like to watch a mother be taken from you and you feel so helpless. All you can do is watch and wait and hope it is quick and painless. which of course it is not. You know you always in my heart and thoughts. I love you my freind and may the Man above always keep you safe.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Zee. I love you too. The pain is leaving and i will never let it back :)
DeleteI lost my Mom 7 months after my husband died. I think I still numb from losing TJ. Losing a parent though is so very hard.
ReplyDeleteLosing anyone we love is very hard, but LOVE never dies. SMILE :)
DeleteNikky, this is so beautiful and poignant. I feel your pain. I lost my mother 18 years ago. I still miss her. It's not the same without our mothers. Hugs to you, Nikky!
ReplyDeleteIt is never the same without her, but I am calling her back into my life, and I know she has never abandoned me. Her Spirit is still here for me.
DeleteThis is so touching Nikky...I went through some thing similar with my mom...you brought back memories.
ReplyDeleteI hope bringing back the memories didn't make you sad Janaki. It's good to remember, but try to do it with a smile :) Much love
DeleteI'm grateful to you for sharing this touching story. I sensed your emotions as I read your words.
ReplyDeleteThank you Brenda. It was never easy to share my emotions, but I am learning and the support i am getting is helping me a lot
Delete*****WHO AM I??? WHO AM I? Can't you remember me?"
ReplyDeleteShe opened her eyes, and said: "You are the one I love"***
Nikki,
your words and strong messages take my breath away.
So much love flowing to you, Sweets. Xxxxxx so glad you started a blog...
I am glad you are reading my posts Kim and if it can help, then I am very happy. Your friendship is very precious!
DeleteThank you for your vivid and beautiful sharing here. I, too, was very moved and tears.
ReplyDeleteIt was clear that your mum loved you. I am glad she finally shared her message to you that INDEED she loved you and still does from above.
Lien xxx
Thank you very much Lien for visiting my Blog and for the nice comment. It's only after being a mother myself that I got sure that a mother can't help but love her child and I started seeing all she has done for me.
DeleteNikky, my mother died about three weeks ago. The grief is still so raw, that when I read your post, I couldn't help feeling those feelings again, of being by the side of her death bed. I got that message from my Mom too, that she loves me. This is something she never verbalized to me, but the message was loud and clear right before she died.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing these moments of high emotions and love.
I am glad you could get her message of love Myrna. I'm sorry for your loss, and I know how you must be feeling. I can't really say that it gets better, but it certainly gets different. You will always miss her the same and wish she was still with you, but you will soon think of her with a smile instead of tears.
DeleteWhat a beautiful story Nicole!
DeleteThank you very much Linda <3
DeleteYou are the one I love...gah...so beautiful and beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteThis really touched my heart and reminded me so much of my Mamie.
xoox
Thank you so much Kimberly!! Much love to you <3
DeleteTears in my eyes reading this Nikky: your mother's gift to you at the end, choosing you and showing love in this way, so that you felt it at last. Bittersweet and powerful.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Lisa. After I wrote that, I started to see all the love she had for me, and also that I loved her more than everything.
DeleteNikky stunning in its sadness and beauty and shining with love - hers for you and yours for her ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Corinne. It is sad, but So beautiful. Love is beautiful, I agree.
DeleteSuch a sweet story from your life....I know what it's like to lose a parent. It's so hard. ((hugs)). It sounds like you had an amazing mum. I'm sorry she suffered so much. Maybe she has met my Dad already in Heaven....that would be kewl. Thankfully they aren't in pain anymore. You're a beautiful person Nikky. luv ya my sis in Christ!
ReplyDeleteLove you too Amber. I can imagine them both together now smiling for us and watching over us. Who knows? They might be the ones who planned that we connect?
Delete