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Friday, April 27, 2012

I even have to welcome his ladyfriend


I was 21 when I fell in love for the first time
It took me almost seven years before my parents accepted I was in love
I waited seven years for that day
That dream was finally coming true
The 27th of April 1996, was my wedding day

February 1989, we were prisoners in our own home with no food, no water, living in fear and danger. No one could reach us, but we had to manage. On the first relatively calm day, my cousin, who was in the Army, came with an uncle to save us from Hell. The army helped them reach us. They came to force us to leave, to save our lives. We packed a few things, and were sent to the village where my father was born and brought up. Just before leaving, my uncle who was still trying to convince my parents to accompany us, told us a very sad story:
Two brothers from that same village, both in the army, got killed at exactly the same time in two different places. I was shocked by this news. However, something else in his report caught my attention: he added that their younger brother aged just 19, saw his older brother, his idol, dying in front of him. He was unable to help. They said he was in a very bad state of mind, banging his head on the walls, unable to cry or talk or live. Without even knowing this guy's name, I fell in love with him, and knew he would become my future husband.
At this time, I was severely depressed and meeting this young man became my purpose, my reason to live. I knew I would be able to help him. The voice I heard telling me that THIS was HIM was so clear.
A few minutes earlier, I had been begging my parents not to send me to the village, and suddenly I was enthusiastic, I needed to go. After less than two weeks there, we met. He very quickly became friends with my cousin and my two sisters, and I was only watching them and trying to help discretely. They all became close friends, never including me in their activities, until the day he came to me and said:" You are hiding a lot of pain, if you need to talk, please don't hesitate to tell me".
That was for me more than enough, and my love story began. It wasn't an easy one, not at all, but it was what I needed at that time in my life.
Seven years later, we got married,

First year of marriage, I was trying hard to adapt to my new life, having a difficult pregnancy
Second year of marriage, I was trying to cope with life and my different roles of wife, mother, employee, but most of all hostess. We received guests, his guests, every single night. I was exhausted
Third year of marriage, I had my second pregnancy. My days started at 4:30 am, and ended at 1:30 am, until one day at 23 weeks of pregnancy, his anger made me about to lose my son, and I had to stay in bed, no movement until delivery day.
Fourth year of marriage, money issues started to rise, creating problems with my family: he forced me to accuse my father of stealing our money.
Fifth year, third pregnancy, mother’s sickness, sisters abroad, a premature girl, and an even more demanding husband.
Sixth year of marriage, I lost my Mum, the only one who knew how to deal with him, my only support with him
Seventh year, I thought I had reached Hell,  but I couldn't envisage what still lay ahead
Eight year of marriage on my wedding anniversary, I had my first “public gift” a huge humiliation in public, something I can’t bring myself to describe even years later.
Nine years after marriage, home became more like Hell
Ten, eleven………..sixteen years, things are still getting worse year after year

We met 23 years ago and have been married for 16 years. I made a choice, and I don't regret it.
My wedding day was a very happy day in my life. That is how it will always be. The events that came after that day, won't ruin the beautiful memory :)

60 comments:

  1. I love how you can hold onto to beauty through all these years and know that was still precious! Meditated yourself in a igloo filled with light and love. Know your spirit is unreachable. You're at a higher realm.

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    1. With ALL the love everyone is sending lately, I am unreachable!! You are right Jodi. Thank you <3

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  2. To hold onto beautiful moments even through so much pain and suffering is amazing, Nikki. You are a woman of great courage and spirit.
    Blessings to you!

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    1. Thank you Martha. Painful moments are always available and repeating themselves, whereas beautiful moments are rare, so I cherish them, and keep them safe in my head

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  3. What a story. I imagine it could be similar to many women's lives. I'm sure you're a light and good example for your children. Let them be one of your guiding forces to keep you strong.

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    1. You are right Totsy. There are days, where I just want to give up, but my children always find a way to bring me back. They are wonderful kids

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  4. You made such a beautiful bride, Nikky. I love that you take responsibility for your choice and choose to remember the good. However, like Totsy said may your children be your strength and courage.

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    1. Thank you very much Corinne. It was a good day, and through the years, I have had beautiful moments. I still hope to get many more <3

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  5. you were a very beautiful bride nicole! i love hearing and reading about your life on the other side of the world. your friend, xoxo missy

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  6. I really enjoy reading your blogs and about your life and what you've experienced,good and bad.It brings me closer to you Nicole.When I read this one today,it made me want to hold you and take away your terrible pain and horrible hurt that you've had over the years.You just amaze me how regardless of the tragedy and evil around you,you have that spark of TRUE HOPE that NEVER goes out.In all tha bad,you cling to that hope until it gets tolerable again.That spark never going out...!You have a strength in you that is very admirable.For you to survive hell over and over again and come out with love and hope in you,geez!Doesn't the devil get tha hint?He'll never get you.Why?Because You have God on Your side.You'll NEVER lose!Because you aren't alone.And you are in my Prayer request book.I pray to God for You Nicole every single day.I share your grief and pray that God will intervene somehow...Stay strong my dear friend...Lata...Jeanne : )

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    1. This is such a beautiful message Jeanne, thank you so much. It's true I am never alone. Even when I feel alone, I know deep down in my heart that I am not. Thank you for your prayers, your love and friendship. ♥ ♥ ♥

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  7. You are a very precious person and stronger than anyone I have ever known. That strength is yours and cannot be taken away!

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    1. I'm not strong Stan, but I believe in the power of Love. As long as I love and feel loved, nothing will ever happen to me.

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    2. The power of Love is where YOUR strength comes from!

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    3. Thank you Stan. Love is my strength, that is sure, I just wish I can communicate it to others

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  8. You're an amazing writer and a very strong, insightful woman. Thank you.

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    1. Thank you so much Doe, I can say exactly the same about your page, such beautiful posters and texts. I share most of them, but for some reason, I can't comment anymore?

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  9. Nikky, what an incredible story! And you're still together? Wow, that's amazing.

    I'm glad you got through the bad times and are celebrating the good memories with your husband. Sounds like you've both been through a lot, and how wonderful that you still have each other, after all these years.

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    1. we both went through a lot, and we are still together. I honestly don't know if that is a good or a bad thing, but I know that it is what I have for now, so I have to live with it. <3

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  10. oh Nicky, there is so much pain in this post. You have been through a lot and one indescribable incident which you don't wish to speak of. I have a few like that too. Some people, my neighbors, for instance, seem to sail trhrough life. Really I do not know how they do it. My marriage seems to have come to an end which is something I'm learning to deal with. Writing helps and doing blogs. Sometimes you can only speak of things obliquely. I'm glad you visited. It is so much easier to talk with someone who has been through a lot than one who hasn't

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    1. I have been visiting your Blog for some time now, and I really appreciate your visit and comment to my Blog. I'm really sorry you are facing problems in your marriage too. It is so hard, especially when we feel stuck in the situation, but life goes on. believe in better days, and they will come.

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  11. Once again, I feel your pain as I read your words. You're a gifted writer and I always like to read your blog.
    Keep putting your story and your feelings down on paper. Love and hugs to you.

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    1. Thank you very much Brenda. I am writing as it is helping me, and I am writing because I can say the truth without being judged. I can feel understood. Thank you for your love <3

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  12. I am saddened by the reality of your marriage, Nikky. You did not make a commitment based on allowing your husband to abuse you with his lack of respect, humiliation and more (the things of which you do not speak). We don't know each other, and so I am surely overstepping my boundaries here. But I hope you will see love and support through my words. I imagine you have a very strong religious belief that keeps you inside of your mostly private hell. I can't imagine, though, a Divine being requiring us to stay when we are being mistreated. But I respect your strength, and your ability to hold onto the original dream of your love for him. I wish you and your children safety...

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    1. You are not overstepping any boundaries. i am writing to help myself, but also to find love through friendship, and that is what you are doing. I appreciate your visit to my Blog as well as your comment. It's not really the religious belief that keeps me in the marriage, it's my children and some other things that makes it quite impossible. I have faith, and the best will happen at the right time. Thank you and much love

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    2. I have a photoblog where I share brief musings inspired by certain photos. You can peruse at your leisure at http://www.thejadedlens.com. The current post is a tribute to children...

      I have had a colorful life-- and I appreciate your struggles very much...

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    3. Thank you very much. I will visit now!!

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  13. Nikky - I am speechless. I've had to face down some difficult challenges in my life, illness, death, a bigger than life incident, but all pail in comparison to your story. I hope the ending is your's to write and you have peace.

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    1. Thank you so much Brenda. I so appreciate you kind words, always. Your support means a lot <3

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  14. Nikky, though you have fond memories of your anniversary, I know it's sad to celebrate it in unhappiness. It's good that you are courageous. I know you will always have the courage to make the best choices for you and your children. I pray that your marital situation changes. Blessings.

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    1. It was very sad Myrna, I can't deny that, but compared to the previous years, it was much better. It wasn't violent, and I wasn't alone since I spent my time on the Blog.I also pray things can get better

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  15. I pray that you have many more lovely memories to come.

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  16. Wow...what an emotional sharing about your marriage there. So hard to understand your culture and how men over there are allowed to treat women like that.

    I had a better idea about this after watching, "Not My Daughter" with Sally Fields in it. She is an American woman who marries an Iranian man and finds herself in a cultural lifestyle that is completely opposite to the American lifestyle. There's more to it but, Nicole, I totally am more in tuned to what you are sharing about your life there.

    My heartfelt thoughts are with you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers daily from the day we met.

    I love you and cherish our friendship here. Thank you for being in my life and sharing your story here with us.

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    1. Thank you so much Lien for reading and commenting but also for your prayers and love. That makes the whole difference. I didn't see the movie of Sally Fields but I have the book. I couldn't finish it. It was too emotional for me, but I think I can do that now :)
      Much love <3

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  17. Nikky, You were such a beautiful bride! And you are such a beautiful person inside. To be able to hold on to a beautiful memory that has been tainted in the years after is amazing. I don't think I could do it, at least not without a lot of bitterness.

    I have great hope for you, Nikky, that the time and opportunity will come for you to be physically free from mistreatment and abuse. I know you are already spiritually free, because you have such a capacity to love and to have compassion for others.

    I am blessed every time I ready your blog. I am so glad I found you!

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    1. Thank you so much Tina for this wonderful message. I am also so grateful for Nadine who introduced me to you through her Blog Post about you. I take my strength from all the love i am getting on here and on Facebook, from my amazing online friends. Thank you for being one of them.

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  18. I read this with much sorrow in my heart...you have been married 16 years and every day of that marriage has been difficult . You are brave and very courageous. I send you lots of hugs once again and wish you every happiness in the days ahead..far removed from all this pain. I sure hope all your dreams come true soon.

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    1. Thank you Kathy! Dreams do come true when we believe in the,, and I believe in my dreams. Love you

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  19. Nikki, what a stunning bride you were! You are so beautiful! I'm amazed at your strength and courage! I should say, humbled, since I'm certain I would have had such staying power. I'm also glad you choose to hang on to your good memories. These seem to sustain you as you navigate life. I pray that soon you will be able to write a happy ending to your story, friend. You deserve it.

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    1. Thank you very much Bella!!
      The happy ending is to come soon. It has to, in whatever way, it will happen. strong or not, I'm not sure, but on difficult days, i remember the title of one of Jodi's posts "keep going' that's the secret!

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  20. I am amazed at how you can look back at that day so fondly after all you have endured since. I am not sure I would be able to do the same.

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    1. It was a good day. It's like if you buy something nice that you love, and then it is broken, you won't see it ugly. It will stay be something you loved. <3

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  21. Nikki,
    I don't want you to live in HELL. I don't want you to.
    It makes me soooooo damn sad.
    I am thrilled you are connecting w/ all of us, telling your story.
    Never Stop.
    Never.
    Love you. Xxx

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    1. I love you too Kim. I know you can understand my story. It is helping me to talk about it, because I feel I have support and love. Love you <3

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  22. Words are healing. And your voice is powerful. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

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    1. Thank you Emily for reading and comenting. Much love

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  23. I stop by today to read you and I found this honest and very moving story of yours. I don't know you but I can already tell your strength and positive look on life is a blessing and a beautiful example for all of us.
    Keep writing Nikky, keep sharing these moments. Stay strong and know from all over the world many people keep you and your loved ones in their prayers, I do too.
    Much love. Marie

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    1. Thank you so much Marie for your very kind words and prayers. I am so happy you stopped by :)
      Much love <3

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  24. Nikky, there is so much in this post that makes me want to wave a wand and ease this pain. Something about the fact that you fell in love with him in circumstances surrounding his trauma. The loss of two brothers. Your love started as a wish to heal him. That is the most poignant part somehow.

    I wish healing for you. You deserve much better.

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    1. Thank you Lisa. You are right, I thought my Love could heal him and it did somehow. Al his family keeps telling me that. His mother keeps telling me I lost three son, you brought back one. I think That is what hurts me more when I feel i need to leave him.

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  25. it's amazing how you can still hold the beauty of a memory after what days have ruined, only few can do that, you are a great person, wish you all the best :)

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    1. Thank you so very much Samar. It is not an easy thing to do at the beginning, but once you try it, it's so rewarding :)

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  26. Oh Godd!! Nikky! The hell that u've been through! But you choose to be happy and to hold on to better memories, perhaps thats where your strength comes from. You are truly great.

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    1. Thank you very much Punam. Yes, It was hell and it is still hell. In fact, it is getting worse. i wish I was that strong :(

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  27. Hugs Nikki... this post speaks a lot about what you are and will always be A courageous woman <3

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    1. Thanks you so much Privy. I have kind of abandoned the blog for over a year, but today I felt like sharing this post again. It was a very lonely day so I really appreciate your visit . Much Love <3

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