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Sunday, April 22, 2012

ViVa La Musica

"You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
 You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she'd want: Smile, Open your eyes, Love, and Go on."
David Harkins


(follow up to my previous post: I got My message)
Two days later.....
On Monday morning, the 22nd of April 2002, I went to work as usual. My boss, a very nice lady, asked me about mum, and for the first time I said with a smile:


"She's in hospital; the doctors said it's over".


"Why did you come? I will ask my driver to take you there now!"


"Oh no, it’s okay!" I said "I won't go. There is nothing I can do for her. Everyone else is there".


How could I tell her that I was scared to go? How could I explain that I was just running away? Trying to avoid being there at the last moment? I needed to be at work at that time, not to feel guilty, just to have an excuse, in order to pretend I am strong. I have faith. I am ready. That this was the Nikky they all knew. I was the one comforting them whenever I saw their tears for my mother.
You see, she was so special, and whoever met her once, just once, would feel really connected to her.
As soon as I was back at my desk, my sister called me and said: 


"The Doctor was here; it's just a matter of an hour or so, please come".


The whole family was in her room. Her face was pinched, her eyes were closed. Her breathing was slow and loud. She wasn't moving. When I sat beside her, my father came close, in tears, and sang: 


"Viva haha haha la musica, viva haha haha la musica..... Sing with me, sing with me now, please sing it for Nikky, you know she loves this song, sing with me, sing it for her ....." 


No movement, nor reaction from her side except a single tear that rolled down her face.
My sisters took my dad out to help calm him down. I stayed and held her hand. I suddenly heard her little voice say: 


"Vi...va... la mu....sica...... vi........va.... la mu.............sica".

My heart was running crazy, I was breathless, I called out "Dadddddyyyy come, come and listen to her ..." The singing had obviously exhausted her. The machine linked to her body started sounding an alarm and nurses came immediately into the room.


My father, two sisters and I all held her close together and said a prayer. The rest of the family joined us around the bed; we were all holding hands in a circle around her, praying as she gave her last breath. Her face turned automatically from a pinched, pale face into a pure, smiling and peaceful one. I kissed her forehead and left the room.

We decided to print a small little booklet where everyone could say a few words about her. This booklet was distributed to all the participants at the big Mass which we held to celebrate her life. This was my entry:

Thank you Lord, for the grace of choosing my mother, the most beautiful flower in your garden. Thank you for picking her quite late to give her enough time to prepare herself for meeting you, and soon enough to save her from additional physical pain

40 comments:

  1. Nikky, I almost feel as if you're writing these posts just for me. You have no idea how reading about your experiences prior to your mother's death have given me comfort now that my mom is gone too.

    This post also helped me remember my grandfather's death, many years ago. He was in N.Y., me in New Mexico. I had never had a loved one die. I was terrified and to my regret I did not make the trip to see him alive. I did attend the funeral.

    Thanks Nikky for all you are sharing.

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    1. Your grandfather and my mother were there waiting for your Mum, welcoming her in Her New world, The Beautiful one. We will meet again, and I believe they are smiling and happy we connected.

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  2. Patricia EastwoodApril 22, 2012 at 2:27 PM

    This, too, is packed, tight, with emotion, Nicole .... thank you for allowing us to join you on this trip, celebrating your love for your mum. Our love to you, and to her, dear friend. Pat.

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    1. Pat, She loves you so much. I know it and feel it.

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  3. Nikky, this is so lovely. You brought a lump to my throat.

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    1. Although very sad Monica, it was a beautiful moment.

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  4. My eyes are filled, my dear. Oh, what a blessing that your precious mother could be surrounded by those who loved her when she passed to be with the Lord. Thank you for sharing this most moving story.
    Blessings to you!

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    1. You are right Martha, as I was just replying to Tina. It is so important to leave knowing we are loved, and to have everyone around to say goodbye. Thank you for your beautiful words.

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  5. Nikky, I am so glad that your mother was surrounded by love before she passed. I am so glad you had those special moments with her. What a beautiful and precious person your mother must have been, and what a beautiful and precious Nikky she left behind! Thank you for sharing her story and your story. You touch many of us.

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    1. It's true Tina. She was surrounded with LOVE. Nothing is more important that to leave feeling loved, to know she will never be forgotten. She left with a smile, with a song. Thank you for your very kind words and thank you for being my friend.

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  6. Oh I'm so sorry for your loss, but like the others said, I'm glad you had special moments with her. I think you're right-I think Roo is with her right now. Possibly being rocked to sleep by your sweet mother.

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    1. Mum had something very special with babies, in fact with everyone but with babies most. Any baby crying or in pain would calm down in her arms

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  7. Beautiful story Nikky! Simply Beautiful!!!

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  8. Nikki,
    She is SOooo Beautiful.

    thank you for sharing this most cherished story w/ us. Xxx

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    1. Kim, you have just made me really happy. You know, in my eyes, she is the MOST beautiful woman in the whole world, and I guess the child in me was waiting for this compliment. I so wanted to hear someone tell me :Your mum is beautiful. Thank you. Much love <3

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  9. Such a deeply moving moment; thank you for sharing it here.

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  10. Another breathtaking post, Nikky. I wanted to let you know I nominated you for a Sunshine Award,
    http://lisawrosenberg.com/2012/04/24/sunshine-award-nomination/

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    1. Thank you very much Lisa!!!
      Being nominated for an award after less than 2 months!!!! I am really happy!!!

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  11. Nikky, You have a way with words! I love what you wrote on her booklet. It is beautiful! I loved that she sang for you and that you were there to hear it! Lots of love to you!
    Jodi

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    1. Yes Jodi, she sang for me. It was clear, I heard her, I listened, and I keep telling this story because I think I am waiting for someone to believe me. They didn't believe me when I said she did. I hated the fact that they thought it was my imagination. Sometimes I might doubt things although it happened to me, but THAT incident did happen, and I can still hear it in my heart. Thank you for believing me. Love you too.

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    2. Thank you so much Jodi. That means a lot to me <3

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  12. Oh, by the way, you look just like her!

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    1. Now!!! About that???? I appreciate the compliment very much because I think she is Beyond beautiful, but if I look like her??? hum, I wish....

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  13. Touching Nikky!

    I feel sorry for your loss Nikki, though I know at this moment, no words are comforting. Though yes, with time things do get better.

    You reminded me of the time years back when I had lost my mom to cancer. The scenes are so similar and I was in a similar situation, with my dad and sister by my side, watching my mom just pass away peacefully.

    She was smiling and was a very strong woman, in fact she was the one giving us courage and strength all through. But surprisingly, she never really left us, as I feel her presence so often all around me. She is my guardian angel, and that is what they become when they are chosen by Him.

    Take care of yourself, and your dad, who would miss her the most. Losing a life partner can really break you down, and I am sure, just like me, you would now learn to value your dad much more than earlier. I guess there's always a lesson in each loss we bear - isn't it?

    Thanks for sharing. :)

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    1. Thank you so much Harleena. My mum was also the strongest one. She was preparing us. She wanted us to be ready before she leaves. I agree. She is now our guardian Angel

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  14. You must have been devastated by your loss, Nikky...I see this is your way of healing. I'm so glad that your Mom died peacefully surrounded by her loved ones. ♥

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    1. I didn't cry, I didn't say a word. I felt anger inside, but not towards anyone, not even anger against cancer. Until now, I don't really know how I feel about it.

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  15. Nikky, I have been meaning to visit you to thank you for your lovely comments on my site, most recently you left prayers for my dear grandmother and I so appreciated it. She is doing very well after her surgery. :)

    And this was such a beautiful and meaningful post, thank you for sharing your story. My family went through something very similar with my mom and I am still trying to manage the grief 14 years later. It is a process, isn't it? Sending you a hug today.

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    1. I'm so glad your grandmother is doing fine. That's a great news. Grandmothers are so precious!
      The grief process is very long and painful, but it only gets easier I guess when we welcome back the person into our life, when we realize they never left although we can't see them physically. Much love <3

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  16. Nikky....this is absolutely beautiful! I hope sharing these things is healing for you.

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    1. It helps a lot Sandy!! Thank you very much!

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  17. What a lovely, blessed experience. I love the way you have written the story here, to honor your mum, and am sure where she is, she's smiling and singing as she read it.

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    1. Thank you very much Beverly. I know you are right. I can feel her smiling now after I refused to even mention her during 10 years. I am even now sharing her photos. During the last 10 years, I had removed all trace of her. I made Peace with her now.

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  18. I've read some of your writing and your writing is indeed very good, I'll try to follow your advice, thank you

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    1. Thank you so much for your visit to my Blog and for your nice compliment!!!

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