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Friday, June 8, 2012

Hey Friend, Welcome back!

Although I tried to avoid her ugly sad face, I couldn't help meeting with her, every time I looked in the mirror.
I was encouraged so many times whether I was chatting with a friend or reading blog posts or articles to start loving myself, to see the beauty that is within me, to at least accept and forgive myself. That was really hard after all these years of self judgement and guilt.


When Pat asked me few months ago to give myself a hug, and insisted I should try, telling me how to do it, I laughed, tried, but only succeeded in feeling repugnance for that person I was supposed to love.


I kept trying, I kept reading, seeking as much love as I could from everyone in here, in that magical computer screen; from everyone present in my heart, and the flow of love I was getting was filling me with a new strength, the like of which I had lost years before.


Two weeks ago, my friend Linda suggested an exercise which is to look at myself in the mirror every single day, as many time as I can, and to look at myself with love and compassion. I promised to try, and I did. 


I was certainly not able to say "I love you" out loud while looking in my eyes and I really don't know if I will ever be able to do that, but I managed to look at that sad and ugly face I was avoiding and made a deal with it: 


" Let's make a deal. I don't know if our friendship will ever be the same as it was in the past. I don't know if I can ever repair all the damage that was done by others or by myself, but I promise I will at least try and take care of you. I will treat you gently when you're ill. I will help you when you're in trouble. I will respect you and all your needs without judgement. I will stand by you and help you face your demons."


I made that girl in the mirror a promise, and I am keeping my promise. I took her to the old doctor who used to treat her 25 years ago and got the best treatment for her. I took her to the hairdresser so that she feels fresh and taken care of. I allow her to admit she is feeling down when she is, and encourage her to admit her fears and her pain. I allow her to remove her mask when she is in my presence. I have committed to help her find a healthier balance in her diet.


When I wrote on my previous post "to be continued", I had no idea how this story would continue. I was challenging myself. I was encouraging myself to make at least one step forward. You were loving witnesses, and I would never want to deceive you.


Every morning this week, I looked at the girl in the mirror, smiled at her and asked:


" Hey friend, what can I do for you today?"


This week I can say that I have made peace with my First best Friend.


Nominated again:


You continue all to be so generous and loving with me. I had the surprise yesterday to see that I have been nominated again by my friend Sharon Day In The Life of a Busy Gal for two awards: The Versatile Blogger Award and the Reader Appreciation Award. Sharon discuss on her Blog a big variety of subjects that can certainly interest you all. Since I already received those two awards, I invite each one of you who don't have them yet to consider himself tagged and to check the rules for those awards in my previous posts. Thank you for the love sharing :)







67 comments:

  1. Patricia EastwoodJune 8, 2012 at 3:57 AM

    What a nice article to wake up to, Nikky ...
    You WILL get there, you know ...
    and we will all be cheering you on.
    Pat.

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    1. I'm glad you liked it Pat :)
      Few months back, I wouldn't think it was possible, but now I think it is :)
      Love you <3

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  2. YEY! Welcome back :D

    I resonate and I wish you all the best. Remember what you wrote up there, your strength is within and I'm glad you are seeing this infront of the mirror :)

    Lots of love :*

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    1. Thank you Melissa!!
      I am starting to see that. I start to see my strength and accept myself the way I am. Lots of love <3

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  3. I am giving you a big cyberhug for this post, Nikky! For making peace with your first best friend. :-)

    It may be difficult, but you'll get there. One small step at a time...

    Much love to you! Take care and God bless <3 <3 <3 :-)

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    1. Thank you very much Irene :)
      The progress I am doing since I started this Blog is great and you are right. I will get there :)
      thank you for the big hug:) I needed it :)
      Much love Irene <3

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  4. I hope you'll feel so much better now. This post is just inspiring. Cyberhugs for you!

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  5. Much love and many prayers sent your way, Nikky. Keep loving the beautiful person you are!
    Blessings!

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    1. Thank you Martha for your very sweet encouraging words :)
      Love you <3

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  6. I loved reading about how you made peace with your first best friend--you! What you said to her was so honest and compassionate, and I'm so glad you are beginning to be able to be kind to yourself and love yourself. Here's a hug {{{{{}}}}}} and much love <3 <3 <3,

    Tina

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    1. You're right Tina and it feels so good!!!
      I wrote this post and left it in the drafts for 2 or 3 days, and when I read it again, I liked it :) I even started to appreciate what i do:)
      That is big progress for me.
      Love you, and I did feel the hug :)

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  7. How happy I am to read this Nikky. This is the first step and you did good. And I also know it's not the last, you will get there one day and we will all be on the way to cheer you up and make you laugh!
    Take care sweet friend.

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    1. Thank you very much Marie. You already are cheering me up :)
      That is what is encouraging me to do more and work harder and never give up :)
      Love you <3

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  8. I agree with everyone. This is heartening and wonderful. I love tht practice, called tratak. It is powerful and I did it myself when in the throws of anxiety. Trust. It's about trust. You can!

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    1. Thank you Jodi. You are right, it's about trust and since I didn't trust myself, but you did trust me and tat made a big difference.
      I read two blog posts where you explained about tratak meditation. It seems powerful :)

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  9. It always feels good to be doing something for ourselves. Glad you're taking steps toward your healing. It's a bumpy road, but worth the travel. I'm so happy for you.
    Please add to your first step. Many people find that keeping a gratitude journal helps them transform their way of seeing the world. (writing at least four or five things you're grateful for daily, even if it's just seeing the sunset, or watching your children sleep. But start looking for things that nourish your soul.)

    Whatever you do, I hope you keep getting better. Take care my friend.

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    1. Thank you Myrna. It's not an easy road, you're so right, but at least when the road takes me down now, i don't stay there and I can climb back the hill very fast.
      I have read a lot about the gratitude journal and have encouraged my children to have it and write in it every night before bed. I don't do it, but gratitude is a priority feeling for me. I am always grateful for everything and anyone.
      Much love <3

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  10. Oh Nikky I cannot tell you how happy I am feeling after reading this post. Sending across a huge hug to you. I am sure you will emerge a winner in this.

    Wish you all the success and happiness always!

    BTW congratulations once again dear.

    TC

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    1. Thank you Me <3
      when someone feels really happy for someone else, it means he really cares. The connection we all feel with each other in this virtual world is amazing!
      Thank you so much for being part of my new family
      Much love<3

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  11. beautiful post Nicole about self-love and self-care! hugs! xoxo, missy

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    1. Thank you Missy :)
      I love to know you are reading and appreciating my posts :)
      Love you <3

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  12. Nikky, what an outstanding and completely beautiful way to continue your earlier post! This is a very inspiring message to each one of us. Thank you very much. I loved the post.

    Congratulations on your award - you are so worth it and deserve all good things.

    Hugs, Vidya

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    1. You inspire me a lot Vidya, so your comment here is so important to me. Thank you <3 <3

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  13. Nikky, this is wonderful! I'm so happy and proud of you. I hope you can see what a huge deal this is--what you've accomplished. It's definitely something to look into the mirror and smile about. :)

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    1. Thank you very much Kelly. I realized how important it is when I started doing it. I wasn't aware of it before. I looked in the mirror yesterday after a very bad day and felt anger, then I told the reflection in the mirror that it's not her fault, and i did feel better.

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  14. Wow! So powerful and beautiful! You are healing and learning to find compassion in some "dark" spaces! So awesome! Keep up the amazing work you are doing! Such an honor to watch you bloom! xo

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    1. Thank you very much Amy :) I am learning and changing and happy about it :)
      Much love <3

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  15. " Hey friend, what can I do for you today?"

    I really like that, Nikky.

    On another note, "what can "I" do for you today, dearest?" xxx

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    1. Thank you Kim <3
      What you can do for me, is keep doing what you are already doing for me and for all others in the same situation.
      I need it <3

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  16. Nikky, you are beautiful! There is a little girl hiding inside the deepest corners of your heart and she is dying to hear those words!

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    1. That makes me smile Nelieta, you are right. I will keep trying and fighting to save that little girl <3

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  17. I think we should hug ourselves once a day. :-)

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    1. I agree Rachel, although it is still very hard for me to do so, even just in thoughts <3

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  18. Loved it Nikky!

    You should be proud and happy to see your 'new' friend in the mirror for all her achievements and all that she's come through and done so far. :)

    Keep it up and we are all there with you, and you know that :)

    Congratulations for the wonderful awards, which you truly do deserve. :)

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    1. Thank you very much Harleena.
      Your support and your Blog posts played a very important role in my healing process :)
      Much love <3

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    2. Most welcome Nikky :)

      I am glad you find my blog worthwhile and it helps you in some ways. If there's anything I can do or help out, just let me know. :)

      Always there :)

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  19. Nicely written Nikky....we do have to be our own best friend
    be good to yourself & keep stepping
    David

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  20. I am so happy for you. This post is so inspirational. Welcome back friend. I hope that it helps you to be good to yourself and to keep moving forward xoxo

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    1. Thank you Kimberly!
      It does help a lot when I'm feeling OK. It's another story when I'm angry or upset :(, but hopefully it will all get better.
      Love you <3

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    1. Thanks a lot my friend, and thank you about yesterday <3

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  22. As my father would say: "Be good to your self. If your not good to your self then who will be good to you?" "You have to show others how to treat you."~ He was a smart man. :) I'm reading your story and see that really you could be me. I could be you and so on ~ so easily. It's so wonderful to have support. AND So glad you took her out and got her all dolled up. We all need to treat our selves better. Your an inspiration for me today. ~ Give my new bloggy friend a hug for me and tell her that she has a beautiful heart. ~ Beauty inside leads to beauty outside. . . so they say.

    xoxo, Lisa

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    1. Lisa, thank you SO VERY much!!!. You are so kind with me and I am so happy to connect with you and yes, your father was a smart and very wise man.
      Thank you for the hug <3 <3 <3

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  23. Fantastic! As hard as it is to love ourselves unconditionally, we must.

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    1. so true Sandra, we must love ourselves :)

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  24. Nikky, this is a wonderful post. All we can do is keep moving forward, and it helps so much to be able to take care of ourselves in the process. I am so happy that you can look at yourself with kindness, and I don't mean to sound condescending, but I am really proud of you. :)

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    1. thank you so much Heidi. It's not easy, but I am getting better in doing it. Much love <3

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  25. Hi Nikky, I hope you are well today. What a beautiful post about learning to love yourself, it also teaches me how to do it better. And yes, day by day, we certainly learn what loving ourselves means. I so appreciate the depths of your heart that you share here, you inspire me, and teach me, and I am blessed to cross paths with you! I have nominated you for the Sisterhood of the World Blogger's Award.http://bellableue.com/2012/06/11/gratitude-for-wonderful-bloggers-and-appreciation-for-awards/ Thank you for being the amazing woman you are! Blessings always, Erin

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    1. Hi Erin!!!
      Thank you so much for your kindness!!!
      I\m so glad we connected through our Blogs and since my first visit to yours, i have felt "home".
      You always ask about me and try to connect with the person and that is something wonderful.
      I smiled when I read you said you inspire me and teach me. I thought me? how can I inspire anyone? but then I realized that we all learn from each other. I can learn a big lesson from a baby fighting for his life. i can learn from an abusive person what not to do etc.
      Thank you very much Erin <3 <3 <3
      Much love <3

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  26. This is a great way for everyone to start their day!!

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  27. Nikky, I'm so glad to know that you've 'found' the little girl who's grown in to a beautiful woman and that you are befriending (or refriending!) her. Your efforts to make something beautiful of your situation always inspires me ♥

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    1. Thank you so much Corinne<3
      When we can't change the situation in real life, we only have the possibility to change it in our mind. It helps <3 Much love <3

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  28. Nikky,
    That was really nice. I feel as if I need to embark on some of that 'me' treatment so I don't wallow too long. I typically am not one to throw a pity party so let the positive validations begin and I will work on what you've been doing for yourself. Thanks so much!

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    1. Thank you so much Tracey for your comment <3 <3 <3

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  29. yes: to let go of gullt is our most precious and beneficent act of surrender

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    1. Some days it's not that easy, but I keep trying <3

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  30. You are BEAUTIFUL... inside and out! I love this and it is a great reminder, that we must love ourselves first. We were all created in His image. Unique and beautiful, like a butterfly! ;)

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    1. Thank you SO much for your very nice and kinds words. Much love to you <3 <3 <3

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  31. You inspire me, you know? Your strength, your honesty, and your courage are beautiful to witness. I'm glad you're making peace with your reflection. You deserve it!

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    1. Thank you very much Emily. Those are very encouraging words that I really need to hear today. Love you <3

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  32. Nikki, this is such an inspiring post! And it speaks volumes of how you learn to love and accept yourself more and more each day. Good for you for showing your self compassion, kindness, and appreciation. Good for you for recognizing how important it is to show your self respect, pride, and acceptance. It's a long road, but one I'm sure you will master. You are already on your way, lady. You'll get there! I have faith in you! :)

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    1. Thank you so much Bella for your kind and supportive words. It's not an easy road I'm on, but I think I will make it. You are right <3

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  33. What a beautiful post and message Nikky -- your strength, courage and love is inspiring. Well done!!!! (both the post and loving your first best friend!)

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