I was encouraged so many times whether I was chatting with a friend or reading blog posts or articles to start loving myself, to see the beauty that is within me, to at least accept and forgive myself. That was really hard after all these years of self judgement and guilt.
When Pat asked me few months ago to give myself a hug, and insisted I should try, telling me how to do it, I laughed, tried, but only succeeded in feeling repugnance for that person I was supposed to love.
I kept trying, I kept reading, seeking as much love as I could from everyone in here, in that magical computer screen; from everyone present in my heart, and the flow of love I was getting was filling me with a new strength, the like of which I had lost years before.
Two weeks ago, my friend Linda suggested an exercise which is to look at myself in the mirror every single day, as many time as I can, and to look at myself with love and compassion. I promised to try, and I did.
I was certainly not able to say "I love you" out loud while looking in my eyes and I really don't know if I will ever be able to do that, but I managed to look at that sad and ugly face I was avoiding and made a deal with it:
" Let's make a deal. I don't know if our friendship will ever be the same as it was in the past. I don't know if I can ever repair all the damage that was done by others or by myself, but I promise I will at least try and take care of you. I will treat you gently when you're ill. I will help you when you're in trouble. I will respect you and all your needs without judgement. I will stand by you and help you face your demons."
I made that girl in the mirror a promise, and I am keeping my promise. I took her to the old doctor who used to treat her 25 years ago and got the best treatment for her. I took her to the hairdresser so that she feels fresh and taken care of. I allow her to admit she is feeling down when she is, and encourage her to admit her fears and her pain. I allow her to remove her mask when she is in my presence. I have committed to help her find a healthier balance in her diet.
When I wrote on my previous post "to be continued", I had no idea how this story would continue. I was challenging myself. I was encouraging myself to make at least one step forward. You were loving witnesses, and I would never want to deceive you.
Every morning this week, I looked at the girl in the mirror, smiled at her and asked:
" Hey friend, what can I do for you today?"
This week I can say that I have made peace with my First best Friend.
You continue all to be so generous and loving with me. I had the surprise yesterday to see that I have been nominated again by my friend Sharon Day In The Life of a Busy Gal for two awards: The Versatile Blogger Award and the Reader Appreciation Award. Sharon discuss on her Blog a big variety of subjects that can certainly interest you all. Since I already received those two awards, I invite each one of you who don't have them yet to consider himself tagged and to check the rules for those awards in my previous posts. Thank you for the love sharing :)