Search This Blog

Saturday, June 2, 2012

My First Best Friend


I knew a little girl who was cute and funny. She loved everyone around, sharing her time and her smiles. She comforted the lonely hearts and listened to the ones who were hurt. She helped with all she had, she gave all she could.

I used to meet her often. I was her confidant. She told me all her secrets. She shared her joys and pains with me. She loved me a lot, and always forgave me when I ignored her. I saw her beauty and wondered why no one else seemed able to see it. I asked God so many times, what did she do wrong to deserve that treatment? Why was he allowing to suffer all that pain?


She was strong and taught me love and forgiveness. Day after day, year after year, and as that little girl was growing, her eyes were becoming sad, her smile was fading away. Why did the light fade from her face? Where is that brightness I used to see sparkling in her eyes? Where was the comfort she used to give me?

That girl had changed a lot. She needed far more attention. I didn't have time for her. I didn't need her in my life anymore. I wanted a friend to make me happy, not a friend who just complained all the time. 

The poor little thing wasn't really complaining. She didn't say a word, but looking at her made me feel her pain so strongly, and it hurt. It hurt a lot because I loved her and felt helpless. I didn't know how to calm her fears. I didn't know how to ease her pain. I wasn't happy myself, so I chose the easy way.

I chose to ignore her, and ignore her silent tears that were breaking my heart. I didn't answer when she called me. I didn't look in her eyes when we met. Seeing her was making me so angry. It was a mixture of sadness and guilt. I hated MYSELF for abandoning her, but I hated HER for being who she was.



Although I tried to avoid her ugly sad face, I couldn't help meeting with her, every time I looked in the mirror.


To Be continued....

86 comments:

  1. Beautifully written. To write about self-denial in a story form is so creative.
    I don't know why people bury their pain...is it because society tells us we are supposed to be happy. Happiness is wonderful but I don't think it's a 24/7 state of mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Margaret <3
      I think that we bury our pain because it is so important to us that we are afraid of seeing others belittle it and make it sound as nothing important. It is our pain, we feel it and have to live with it and it hurts.

      Delete
  2. Touching post.... Beautiful words. Sometimes in life we do reach a stage where we are unable to face ourselves in the mirror daily as there are so many things weighing heavy on our conscious.

    Waiting to read more...!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Me. You're right it is sometimes very difficult, almost impossible. Glad to know you liked it :)

      Delete
  3. Beautiful post!!! Thank you for sharing, hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your visit and for the hugs <3 Much love <3

      Delete
  4. This is a bone chilling post. So beautifully written friend xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kimberly!!! You always have something nice to tell me :)

      Delete
  5. So sad, yet so eloquently expressed. You are a beautiful person and writer, Nicole.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Martha. It's by looking at myself through your eyes, all of you, that I can now dare look at the mirror again

      Delete
  6. Very touching and honest. I look forward to reading more.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow - this really touched my heart. I am hanging on your last words, wanting more! Thank you for the beauty of your words!
    I am a new follower from Galen's page (& mine - thx for visiting).
    Hugs, GraceinaZ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome Grace to my Blog. I'm so happy to have you here.
      Much love <3

      Delete
  8. Patricia EastwoodJune 2, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    You have the ability to paint very strong pictures with your words, dear Nicole ... this is a work of art.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Pat. I have a good teacher :)

      Delete
  9. Nicely written.Will frequent here !!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Logic! Nice to connect with you :)

      Delete
  10. Nikky, you have a way with words and with touching people's hearts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kelly. That's a very nice compliment :)

      Delete
  11. Can't wait to hear the rest! Sounds eerily familiar...Everyone is right it is beautiful written by someone who understands the fragility of the human condition.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll tell you a secret Jodi: I still don't know the rest :)
      I am creating it now. I don't mean in writing, because I usually write what has already happened. I am creating it in my life, and when I reach somewhere, i will tell about it :)

      Delete
  12. I'm looking forward to the day that she can look in that mirror and say "I love you" and truly feel it! That day is coming Nicole ♥ Sending Love and Light to you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Linda. I will make it happen. i am challenging myself. The rest of the story is played now :)

      Delete
  13. Here's hoping that the girl in the mirror reunites with you...waiting for the follow up post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much for your visit and comment. i have just joined your Blog now <3

      Delete
  14. :-) I've written something like this to myself. Such a beautiful post, Nikky. Love yourself.You're worth it. And yes, I share your belief about the "First Best Friend" Big hugs to you. Love, Vidya

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would love to read what you wrote about that Vidya, would you give me the link?
      Thank you very much for your nice words. Much love <3

      Delete
  15. Such a beautiful writting Nikky! I used to know this little girl, now she seems to have left, which is good. One day you won't have to ignore her anymore, in the mirror you will only see love and a smile.
    Take care dear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hoe so Marie. i am working on that. It can seem silly, but I miss her. I miss her smile :(

      Delete
  16. Very beautiful and thought provoking post.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wow! That is some powerful writing. Now I have to wait for part 2? Well that's not fair!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!!!
      Yes, i agree it's unfair as I am waiting too :)

      Delete
  18. Nicely laid out and carried thro with effective words.Hats off !!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Wow so beautiful and sad at the same time.....she reminds me of my little SAM (a 9 year old alter)....I wanna hug this little girl and make all the sadness go away..loving you ...As always...XOXOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Bonnie.A Hug from someone who understand what real pain is, is the best treatment for the sadness one can feel <3 Than you and much much love <3

      Delete
  20. Excellent post Nikky. Keep writing! Your honesty is beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Beautiful.
    Is she "You" Nikky?

    Love Love Love. Xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Kim, she is My refection in the mirror. Love you <3

      Delete
  22. Nikky, So beautiful. You have a lovely way of expressing yourself. Your words are beautiful.

    I am wondering, too--is this little girl you? Is she the happy little girl who grew sadder as life dealt her blow after blow?

    I will look forward to your next post. Take care, dear one.

    Tina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Tina :)

      Your guess is right, that happy little girl is me. She grew sadder year after year, but her sadness was always well hid inside. In family and society in general, I was still the "funny" one who could make anyone laugh in a minute.
      Love you <3

      Delete
  23. Replies
    1. Thank you Katherine :) That is very nice :)

      Delete
  24. Nikky -- It is amazing to watch you grow right in front of my eyes. You are an amazing thinker and writer. I will be happy to say "I knew her when..."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Linda. It is so nice to say that. It gives me strength, honestly <3

      Delete
  25. Very beautiful Nikki and whoever that little girl was I'm sure she is very beautiful too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you my friend. She is beautiful, but doesn't know it I think :)

      Delete
  26. Very intriguing ending. Nice how you build suspense into your story.

    Nikki, thank you so much for inquiring about me during my absence on my blog. I just had to take a little time off. I write about it in my recent post.

    Take care friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome back Myrna :)
      I'm glad you liked it :)
      Much love <3

      Delete
  27. A very brave and touching post, Nikky.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Laura <3 <3
      Your visit and comment make me very happy <3

      Delete
  28. I just love the way this is written. It is beautiful. I think many of us have pushed that scary self away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True Sandy, everyone pass by this phase at a certain time, but it shouldn't last long

      Delete
  29. Powerful and poignant. But you know, it’s never too late to befriend that wounded inner child again and bring healing to her heart. That’s what we should spend the 2nd half of our life doing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree Debra, and although I have always felt it is impossible and I will never be able to look at myself in the eyes and appreciate the person I see,I am learning now to do it

      Delete
  30. This is a wonderful idea for a post.

    I could talk hours with you about this.

    I had a therapist once and she said picture yourself as a little girl GO NOW and tell me what there is to say all about her.

    It was a great exercise. I enjoyed it so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you are right. It's a very good exercise because when telling the first things that come to my mind, I don't give space for the negativity that my mind has created about myself.
      Thank you for sharing :)

      Delete
  31. Wow. Didn't expect that segway. I look forward to part 2.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Rachel :)
      Part two coming soon :)

      Delete
  32. Beautiful, Nikky. You really showed your heart here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Alison :) Much love<3

      Delete
  33. Oh. Oh Nikky, there's so much pain and truth and strength here. As always, I'm so glad you're writing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Emily. I never thought that writing would help me that much. I'm so happy I started :)

      Delete
  34. Beautifully chilling.. you've told a heart wrenching story. You should pull all of this into a memoir, Nicole.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Brenda. I really hope I can do that one day. I wish I can reach a certain stability that allows me to really commit into writing and I will.

      Delete
  35. Aww it's so beautiful, Nikky... I want soo intrigued by part two.

    Hugs and love to you <3 God bless :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Irene!! I'm so glad you liked it <3

      Delete
  36. Nikky, that was so touching. I believe most of us can relate to that kid. It took me many years to come face to face with her and accept her as she is. Since then she's not so needy, which makes it easier to be around her. I love how you wrote this. Beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Leah!! I think it's part of the process to reject oneself at a certain point, but it becomes a problem when it lasts long. I'm glad you made peace with her :)

      Delete
  37. Wow, this is just so poignant, sad, yet lovely. love it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your visit and nice words :)

      Delete
  38. So so touching--a post so many women can relate to. A testament to the plight of a woman; who must wrestle with her perceived beauty to others, while also attempting to find the beauty within, even when it seems non-existent, or deeply buried beneath the expectations of others.

    Love that you write so openly...keep doing it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so happy this post has touched you :)
      You said it right. Once we can look in the mirror and see the inner beauty tat shines through the face and the eyes, that is when we will really love ourselves <3

      Delete
  39. I didn't get to read this the first time but I'm happy that you chose the better part. You can do it :) Coraggio :*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Melissa!!!! Love you <3

      Delete
  40. fortunately or unfortunately I completely understand this post...I know real beauty is not only reflected in a mirror...beauty is measured in a persons heart.
    I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your comment, and I'm sorry for my late reply. I am following you now :)

      Delete
  41. I identify... just. don't. believe. that. crap. Whatever negative stuff you tell yourself BELIEVE THE OPPOSITE.

    I get to tell you this because I'm really saying it to myself!

    You are an incredibly talented teller of words... you've communicated with such feeling. Somehow someway there has to be an answer that does not bring you physical and emotional pain... not like this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Amy. I'm sorry you know those feelings I'm talking about because it is not nice things at all.
      I don't feel now that there is something more beautiful that might happen to me, but I am trying. Much love <3

      Delete
  42. Love this! So touching and powerful. Thanks for sharing :)

    ReplyDelete

Please subscribe to Comments or come back and check my replies to your comments. Thank you for visiting my Blog!