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Friday, March 2, 2012

Celebrating Her Birthday

For many years, the month of March has been characterized by  severe depression. Although it's not something I usually discuss, it was obvious to everyone around.
I have decided now to welcome March with Love instead of anxiety. Why worry about it before knowing what it will bring? Hello March, I'm ready!

Today is Her birthday. Today she will be 25. I have been waiting for this date since last year. I wanted it to be special. When she ended our friendship in June, I never thought that it would be for good, that she had made up her mind. Our friendship was so strong, I couldn't believe it was over.
Her decision caused me a lot of pain, her hurtful messages kept coming regularly for more than two months. I suffered, cried, got angry, frustrated. i begged and asked for forgiveness for whatever i might have done, but nothing would bring her back

I felt empty, abandoned and lonely. I felt betrayed. How could she abandon me while knowing what i am going through? This question was driving me crazy, so i sent a cry for help to a Facebook page Hold my Hand, and that was the beginning of a new life of true Love.
I was learning to let go, it has been very hard sometimes, memories were really painful, whether they were nice memories or bad ones, but with the love i was getting from my new friends and the help i was getting from the blogs i read, I have made a huge progress.

For her birthday today,  the choice is mine. I can decide to  feel angry, sad, depressed, or just decide to celebrate our friendship of 3 years.
Today I decide to smile and be happy. I won't let the hurt of few weeks delete the happiness of three years. The fact it is over doesn't mean it was all bad. we shared a lot, we cried and laughed, we helped each other, and learned from each other. Today i will celebrate all the lessons i have learned from her, and i will thank her for the love she showed, and the support and help she gave me.

Happy Birthday my Friend, I send you love and a virtual bouquet of your favorite tulips.
Today I am free, because today I let you go.....

22 comments:

  1. Im truly glad for you sweetheart xxxx

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    1. Thank you so much Corrie :)

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    2. Patricia EastwoodMarch 5, 2012 at 10:26 AM

      THIS, Nicole, demonstrates exactly how far you have come these last few months and exactly how strong you are now XXX
      Congratulations, my friend. Pat.

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    3. I love you Pat!!! I wouldn't have done it without you <3

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  2. Nikky, I'm going to tell you a short story. I had a very dear friend of about 5 years. We were so very close. Both of our children were the same age and in the same school. We were always there for each other, no matter what. Then, we got involved in school sports where both of our children competed. Another parent told her that I had said something about her daughter. I hadn't, but that didn't matter. For whatever reason, she believed the other parent. I had no way to defend myself. All I could do is pray that some time down the road she would learn the truth.
    About 2 years had passed and one day her name came up on my phone. She was calling to apologize for ever believing the other parent and that she had found out about how the other parents were. After all the pain, tears, hurtful words, etc. I told her to forget about it and it was like we had never lost 2 years. I never said anything about what had happened.
    I know I said this would be short, I'm sorry. My point being that you never know what tomorrow holds. For whatever reason she has removed herself from your life, they are true to her. You may never know the reasons. But, somewhere down the road, you two may speak again and I get the feeling you will be willing to overlook all the pain and tears you have experienced over the last year. I wish your friend a very Happy Birthday and hope that she does, by chance, see this sometime.

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    1. Thank you so much Mary for this wonderful message:)
      I'm very glad it wasn't short as i appreciate every single word you said :)
      If one day my friend calls back, it is sure that the past will stay in the past, but our friendship will never be the same, because i think it has failed because it was built on wrong basis. what I mean by that is that i became too dependent on her emotionally, and she saw in me the figure of the mother, not the friend. Supporting me emotionally was too hard for her, as my life is such a mess, and i failed as a mother figure because i wasn't strong enough for her.
      If one day she is back, the friendship will be different, but the love will still be the same, as it has never changed.

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  3. Nikky,
    This is so beautiful! I lost one of my best friends a few years ago, her choice and I think of her everyday, send her love and a hug. My last words to her were 'by your initiative and without conditions my friendship will be ever available.' I know our souls are connected and she needed to go through something and needed to cut off from me physically to go through this next stage. I'm not sure we'll hook up in this life again but we will still be connected.
    It's like when you sit vigil for days when a loved one is dying, and you leave the room to get food and the they pass without you. I miss her but love her enough to respect her. I love your declaration today! From such a place of love! You totally get it!

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    1. Thank you so much Jodi :)
      I love your comment, and i love that you are sharing your experience too with me. I know it is a sad experience, but I selfishly thought: if it happened to Jodi too, that means, its not necessary that something is wrong with me? That means that I am not 100% to blame in the matter, since Jodi wouldn't be to blame in anything.
      As I said in my previous comment, my friendship will always be available, but on different grounds. I am not the same dependent person (at least, I hope not), and i have learned that there is no exclusivity in friendship, because now i have many friends, and i love them all the same.

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  4. Hi Nicole, what I kept thinking about while reading this was something Jodi wrote in her blog. (Completely acknowledging the life-connection of our little bloggers' circle.) I can't link to the post in this comment because I don't know. But Jodi wrote that when someone treats you badly, it has more to do with what the person is going through herself than with you. Do I have that right?
    In any case, I am so sorry for the loss of this friendship. It sounds like you have been open to reconcile, but that she is not ready. In the meantime, I hope you can protect yourself and love yourself!

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    1. Thank you Lisa :)
      I remember i read this post that Jodi wrote, but I can't remember the title. In fact I wrote about my friend as a comment on one of Jodi's posts about letting go, and reading that post over and over again has helped me very much.
      I am of course open to reconcile, in fact nothing has happened. Everyone has his own issues, and 2011 was really bad for me, so i guess it was too much for her to be there for me and try to sort her own problems. I would have react differently, but I understand her, and won't love her less for that.

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  5. Nikky, it's so wonderful that you've been able to let go. I love what you say about not letting a few weeks tarnish the joy of three years. There's so much wisdom in this.

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    1. Thank you very much Myrna. when we step back and look at the whole picture, it becomes easier to evaluate and analyse a situation. Although those 3 years were hard, they were beautiful as full of love.

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    1. Thank you so much Kim. I appreciate your support so much :)

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  7. What a lovely gift Nikky -- to celebrate love and let go of the rest.

    Have a beautiful day radiating love.

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    1. Thank you so much Louise for this sweet comment!!

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  8. Love you to pieces my angel xxx

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  9. My dear Nicole I am so happy for you! In fact as a friend that's exactly what I want to hear from you. Yes you did well this time and I want to congratulate you to show courage and let things be as they are! I pray and I do know that gradually you will win over all situations that have kept you backwards so far! So again dear Nicole, BRAVO!

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    1. Thank you Brinda, I'm glad you read this post and in each one you will see a small "victory' I hope.

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  10. It takes a lot of courage to end a friendship. I've recently had to end one after twelve years, and although it was hard (not so much the ending, but the web of lies and deception this person had spun to me and other close friends), I stuck to the personal boundaries I created last year and that in itself feels good and right. Stay strong as I know you will :)

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  11. Thank you very much for your comment. I am learning that self respect is a must and that setting boundaries is not a limit to love. It was an act of love and courage that you have ended the friendship. You loved yourself enough not to accept the lies. Nice to meet you :)

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