A letter to my Grandmother

Dear Teta Ida,

One Sunday, over 30 years ago, you told me something important.

You did not say a word … you just looked deeply into my thirteen year old eyes.

I understood every wordless word of that look, Teta.

You said it was now time.

You told me I would not see you alive again.

You told me you would be happy to go.

You gave me your undying love and support for the rest of my life.

You gifted me your clairvoyance, clairaudience and clairsentience.

I refused to go and see you until the 10^th of March.

Papa came into our bedroom and asked my two sisters and I to pay attention because he had some bad news to tell us. Sitting beside me on the bed, He told us what I already knew …

“Teta Ida is now in Paradise; Nicole, be strong for your mum”

Without looking at me, he left the room and I heard him asking my cousin to look after me as I was expected to break down, then I heard my cousin telling my sisters to keep me company.

No one knew I had already said Goodbye to you, Teta.

I felt embarrassed about not bursting into tears, as they were all expecting, so I locked myself in the bathroom where I smiled and thought “ Teta, now that you are free, you will never abandon me again, you are my Guardian Angel”.

I didn’t sleep that night because, yes, I was sad in in pain, but my sadness wasn’t because of your loss. I was sad for Mami, my mother, and wondering how to explain to her that it’s better now, that you are happier where you are? I needed to hug her and explain to her, but you know how she was, don’t you? She never showed affection to anyone, although I am sure that she loved us all.

Teta, you accompanied me all those years, you gave me messages to deliver to everyone in the family. You asked me to take care of Jeddo (my grand father), and I did until the end. Taking care of him became my priority, and you said you were proud of me. You helped me every single day and never refused to give me a hand or advice, until that day, nine years later, the day I disappointed you, and decided I didn't deserve to have you in my life.

Since that day, the 10th of March became the most horrible in the whole year. I didn't lose you at 13, I lost you at 22. I suffered in silence, I struggled every single day. You tried to call me, but I was ashamed to answer. I was guilty and hated myself and my life.

I felt lonely, I WAS lonely.

Every year on the 10th of March, I planned to go to you to ask for forgiveness, I asked God and begged him to take me. When he didn't listen, I tried to do it myself, and felt worse thinking I was TOO bad to deserve to die.

Twenty years later, Teta, I have learned.

To open up.

To trust.

To receive.

To love, once more.

This year, Teta, you came back into my life.

Welcome home.