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Sunday, March 25, 2012

HIT ME, Please....

Hit me, please, please hit me, please, please do it, and let's get it done!!!
Whenever he does, he says and repeat you have been looking for it, you needed it, you wanted it, I'm doing it for you.
How true is this? Does any victim of abuse really provoke a violent incident? Sometimes I do, but for sure not in the way he means it. I do when the tension gets really unbearable. Waiting for an explosion, is worse than the explosion itself. I can see him turning around, going back and forth, arguing about nothing, creating an issue that does not exist, raise his hand, kick the door, yells curses, screams, and in the meantime, I am there wearing that silly smile, looking at him, breathless, and saying in my heart: Hit me please, please hit me, and get it done,

I can't handle the waiting, no more, I want to breathe, so just do it and empty your anger. Do it, so that we can both feel better. I want to breathe. I'm tired of waiting, Waiting is killing me. My body is all tensed, My face is crisped, my mind is empty, and my heart is full, full of painful love.




It has just taken me back now to that 12 years old little innocent girl, as he was telling her: I know that's what you want, everything in you is telling me you need me, everything in you is calling me, you want it, you want me, you want that, you need me, it's not me, it's you, you need me to do it, say it, admit it, tell me you want me to do it, tell me, it's you.......
And they are guilt free, all of them.....

42 comments:

  1. Nikky ... releasing a memory like this should help you in your current life ... I pray that, now you have 'placed' the root of your reaction, you might be able to find a way out of today's traps.

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    1. Pat, I am happy you noticed and pointed to that old "incident" as it wasn't an easy one, not at all, and I can't really talk about it yet. Thank you.

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  2. There is NO excuse for ABUSE, he is saying he is doing it for you because he is GUILTY and needs to find a reason and an excuse for his DISGUSTING behaviour. When he gets the reaction he wants he will carry on. Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen to you if you did what you need to do, if you took the action that you needed to take??? You are a prescious human and have a heart of gold, you deserve to be treated like gold. You are no one's doormat. I love you

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    1. Manda, you are always there to support me, what would I do without you???? Love you My Manda!

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  3. Wow that was really powerful , I felt like I was there in your shoes , the fear, the tension
    Oh my god honey I wish I could make him dissapear
    Part of my heart is reserved for you , it aches for the misery and hell that you live
    I will always be here for you
    I love you Nicole xxxxxxx

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    1. Thank you so much Melinda for your love and care, always!

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  4. This just broke my heart. THere is so much pain in each word.
    I was a victim of verbal abuse more so than physical (that came when he was drunk or couldn't get his "point across effectively through screaming and belittling")...and I pictured myself in this post wishing...hoping that he would just get it done.
    It was my Dad.
    Such an asshole.
    I'm so sorry sweets.
    xoxox

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    1. Thank you Kimberly for your kind words. I'm sorry you had to go through abuse, and coming from your father it was even more frustrating I am sure. I hope you have now fully recovered from it. Much love <3

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  5. Nikky, I am so sorry you are going through this abuse, and I pray that you get away from it. There is no excuse for abuse. None. The people who abuse are very adept at passing the blame on to the ones they abuse.

    You are a precious life. You deserve better.

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    1. Thank you very much Tina. You are right and no one deserves abuse, as it hurts the soul even more than the body.

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  6. it reminds me of that first single by Florence and the Machine from the 'Lungs' album, 'Kiss With A Fist'; it's probably on You Tube --- it's a great song but seemingly anti-feminist

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    1. Thank you John. I don't know the song, but I will check it now!

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  7. I read this yesterday but on my phone and knew I had to say more than I could type on my phone. I know exactly what you mean, that expectation is so much worse than the physical pain. Decide what you deserve. What God would say, not what comes to your mind. You don't have to prove them guilty, karma will take care of it. You just have to know that you are not guilty. That you are and have always been innocent. This is your purpose to learn this lesson. You are innocent and perfect and that is all. You find that and he either stops or you find a way to leave, rather than keep re-living that you've failed or deserve it, or are worthless. The time it takes, I am not sure, it is all up to you.

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    1. Thank you so much Jodi. You are one of my greatest source of encouragement!!!
      When I read what you are saying and I think of it, I know that you are right, and it seems easy, but when the thing is happening, it's like something is "blocked" in my brain and I can't think or remember that. Love you <3

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  8. *** Do it, so that we can both feel better**

    No! He feels better, powerful, and in control...

    NOT YOU, my sweet dear Nikki. You deserve RESPECT. He deserves NOTHING.

    I wish you were in America...so you could get help.

    I am praying and loving you this very moment.

    K. Xxx

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    1. I wish I was in America, I wish I was anywhere else in the world. Sometimes i get so tired of it, But at least now, I know I'm not alone.

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  9. Nicky, I hope and pray that someday you will come to realize that you are not the blame for the abuse. Abusers have to find a way to exonerate themselves for what they do. Someday, I pray that you will escape that life and be free from the fear and pain that you experience at another's hands. Always keeping you in my prayers _/\_

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    1. Thank you Mary! Your post encouraged me to write about it and since it happened this week end and I needed to talk about it, I wrote that. Thank you

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  10. Wow, the pain and devious lies aggressor's attempt to put at the feet of others is so clearly written about here. It's as plain and as mysterious as it gets, such is the horror of placing guilt for one's own filthy shortcomings on another. I commend your courage and bravery in coming forward and writing about this, it is an extremely powerful post. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Thank You Elizabeth for your encouraging words. I hope I will be able to keep writing as it is helping me. I am writing only what's in my heart, how I feel and what I think. The true "me".

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  11. There are so many reasons that people give for their behavior, being abused is not the victim's fault. Fear has been instilled in you and I since we were small, over coming that fear is nearly impossible when you have to look at the perpetrator up close every day. I know that pain and fear up close it is like a blast of freezing wind. Freezing you, making you immobile, until finally you crack and break, or with help you melt and find your way. Prayers for you.

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    1. Thank you Jan. You said it! You describe it so well. It's freezing me making me immobile, even breathing becomes scary and impossible. Thank you for your prayers!

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  12. I trust you will find your way through and out of this cycle of torment. You are worthy of being loved and honored, every moment and in every way. I hold you gently in my heart.

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    1. Thank you So much Brenda. My online friends, the bloggers community is helping me through this. Without you, I know I wouldn't be able to hold on much longer.

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  13. Nikky I want to reach out and hug you and tell you that you deserve the very best. No one deserves to be beaten and abused. I'm willing you to have the courage to move out for your sake and that of your kids....I know it's hard, but I pray that in time you will. Holding you in my heart...

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    1. Thank you so much Corinne. I promised myself to do whatever I can to at least save my children out of this situation. It is destroying them, not only me. I want them safe. I want them healthy and happy, and i will do my best to have that for them.
      All the support I am having now from the bloggers community and my online friends, gave me back the energy I needed, It gave me back the will to live, at least until i know my children are out.

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  14. I'm glad that you've reached out for strength Nikky. Finally it will all come from within. I like that you are thinking on these lines. However, I do not like the last line of your comment. You must live for your sake first and then for others. There is no other way. ♥

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    1. That's still a very long road to take :(

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  15. Nikky, I wish you were free from this abuse and that you and your children were safe, though I know it is so complicated.
    The way you describe the pain of waiting as worse than the physical pain is so heartwrenching. Is the hitting inevitable? Who is there to help you?
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. (Could not make my comment stick; I hope this gets through.)

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    1. Thank you Lisa,
      I really appreciate your support.
      A little less than one year ago, he almost killed me. I was in hospital and he took me out by force out of fear that I would tell the doctor the truth about what happened. Which means that now, He is somehow trying not to leave "visible damages", but on another hand, that is scary because it also mean that if he hit hard enough, he won't leave me alive so that he can pretend it is an accident.

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  16. Oh Nicki, my heart breaks for you and with you.

    Your ?husband? is certainly a sick person, but it is still not okay, it is NEVER okay to physically or verbally abuse another human being.

    Sending {{{{hugs}}}} across the miles.

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    1. Thank you very much Beverly. I know it's not right, but I always try to tell myself,"it could have been worse". That helps. I convince myself that it's okay as long as my children are fine.

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  17. Nikky,
    I am so sorry you are living in an abusive situation. I am praying for you and your childrens safety. Hugs and Love to you!

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    1. Thank you so much for your support. That's what keeps me going. Much love <3

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  18. I could feel each emotion through your words. I hear stories like yours too often and I want to say: stay strong Nikky, but always remember You DON'T DESERVE IT. You are BEAUTIFUL, you deserve LOVE. People who use abuse have problems to solve, but it is not your problem Nikky.
    Please look after yourself dear, may God help you and show you a way out of this place where you suffer much. Keeping you in my prayers. x

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    1. I can feel your love and support Marie, and that is the best gift anyone can offer me. I have had two days of abuse this week, and that is why i wasn't able to write, so your words here brings me a lot of comfort. Thank you. Much love to you

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  19. “It’s freezing me making me immobile…..” from one of your replies
    “…..be able to find a way out of today’s traps.” from a commenter

    Time to take the bus Nikky. Why submit yourself to another day? Break out of that immobilization now. You must be brave and there are agencies that will help re domestic violence intervention including police protection and shelter. I scanned all these comments and find only comforting words, empathy, sympathy and prayers. Flush that ridiculous rot right down the toilet. Take action now. Why would you accept this miserable quality of life another day ? Re first comment there are no traps . Unless you choose to dwell in one. Thanks visit my blog.

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    1. Thank you very much Carl for passing by and commenting. I joined your Blog as I really appreciated your comments on some friends Bloggers, mainly Monica. I know it can seem frustrating that I am still living in the situation instead on just packing my things and leaving, but the situation is worse than that. There are a lot of other problems with it, and to leave I would have to abandon my children, which i can’t do.

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  20. Nikki my family has been praying for you every family night. I pray you will find a way out. I really think it would help to talk to a counselor who deals with this stuff & who may know a way to get you & your kids out safely. You can look up Focus on the Family. I know they have counselors. My heart is with you! ((hugs)) luv ya~Amber

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    1. Thank you so much Amber. Your comment here now brought tears to my eyes. You are so kind to me. Thank you very much to you and your family.
      I am really trying to work things out. I hope I will find a solution

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    2. awwl ((hugs)) your welcome sweety. I’m rootin’ for you! I can’t stand the thought of you being hurt like that. You’re a precious child of God and nobody deserves to be abused. Yeah I saw that you have two blogs. I’m going to check out the blogspot one cause I noticed wordpress only had as far back as February.
      love ya and chin up! ~Amber

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  21. Nikki,

    I totally get the tension and the stress of waiting for the inevitable and just wanting to get it over with. I remember laying in my bed waiting for my father to come to my room, wishing that he would just come and get it over with, so I could go to sleep and escape what was going on in my house. For nearly two decades, it was nearly the same routine, nearly everyday. Lay in bed and wait, all tensed up. Stressed. Would it be the usual or would it be one of the really terrible, awful, unspeakable nights? Maybe, just maybe, he wasn't coming and I could relax and go to sleep. As a teenager, I lay there many nights with a full bladder. Urinating on my father was my revenge for him raping me as a teenager. It caused more abuse for me, but if I could time it right, at least it would stop the rape and a possible pregnancy. Waiting for him was the worst. Some nights, I wanted to yell to him to come and get it over with. I actually just wanted him to complete what I knew was coming, so I could relax and pee and go to sleep. The earlier he showed up, the better....I get it, Nikki, and it was a no-win situation for us. Wanting it to be over and wanting it to not happen at all. I'm sorry you were in that spot, Nikki. I pray that you, I, and every person in the world never has to experience the dread and the tension and the inevitable again.

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