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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Sometimes i wish....

Sometimes I wish..........

Sometimes I wish YOU didn't abandon me when I was a a toddler. I know you loved me, I know you cared and I know that grandma took good care of me, but it was YOU that I needed, your attentions I wanted. Oh how I wished you would notice me, hug me, miss me; how I wished I could get seriously sick so that you would sit next to my bed and hold my hand.

Sometimes I wish YOU were nicer to me in school, you accepted me as a schoolmate, and invited me to your parties and to play with you. I wish you tried to understand me and got to know me instead of bullying me and criticizing me and laughing at me.

Sometimes I wish that YOU didn't take advantage of me in the way you did. I was innocent and lonely. I believed in kindness and love, but you chose to abuse my body and mind, making me believe I was unworthy and stupid, convincing me I didn't deserve love and all I would ever get was your dirty hands on me while I was still dreaming of the handsome Prince who would save me from my misery.

Sometimes I wish YOU understood that all that love which I had for you was a message I was sending to my parents. YOU were the parent's image, you noticed my tears and taught me lessons. You were not only my school teachers, but you also taught me about life and its hard experiences. You alerted them when you noticed something was wrong with me and they didn't even try to look at what was inside my hurting heart.

Sometimes I wish YOU were leaders of peace instead of being makers of war. You were supposed to help my country and ensure its peace giving security to its children, but instead of that and in order to achieve your own private interests, YOU ruined my life as well as the lives of all those innocents living there. You destroyed one of the most beautiful countries and made us live in fear and destruction.

Sometimes I wish I never met YOU. I gave YOU my all. I gave you my life, my past, my future. I gave you three beautiful children. I was ready for everything to keep YOU happy, to keep you by my side, to live as a happy family, but whatever I did was never enough. YOU abused me emotionally, sexually, economically, verbally and physically. You controlled me. You controlled my thoughts, my movements, my appearance and even what I ate. You tried to control my health by giving me permission to get sick and by deciding when I must feel better.

Sometimes I wish YOU were closer to me at that time. Yes, it's true I felt You abandoned me, because however I prayed and asked You to help me, You seemed so busy dealing with others. I felt my pain was not enough, God? I felt You knew I could handle more so You wanted to give me more?

Sometimes I wish YOU were more truthful when I gave you my trust. I asked for your help. I told you about my pain. I shared with you my hurt. I listened to you and helped you the best i could. I gave you true love and true friendship. I had to deal with increased abuse in order to keep our friendship alive, but YOU decided to leave and abandon me when I needed you most. You broke what was left of my bleeding heart.

Sometimes I wish YOU were closer to me. It hurts so much now that I have found YOU, I know I can't always be with you. I wish I had met YOU long ago before I feel so damaged and so sick. You would have brightened my days and my life. You would have made my days easier, but at least you are here now, and you are all working like a loving team, holding my hand and lifting me up whenever I'm down.

Sometimes I wish YOU could let me enjoy my freedom and safety. I wish YOU can stop calling me at all hours of the days and nights reminding me of all those years we have spent together. We had some beautiful times, or that's what I thought they were. You knew very well how hard it would be to realize I was living an unhealthy life. How was I to know when I was isolated from the whole world? How was I to know you were not treating me right when it's all I had, when you were the first and only one? I wish you would now leave me alone and let me catch my breath and find my smile. I wish you would let me have a full night's sleep and a happy dream once in a while?

Sometimes I wish that YOU will find me, see me, notice me. I have been waiting for you all my life, dreaming about you and sending you all my love. You have no name and I do not know what you look like, but I know you are there, living somewhere and I have been waiting for you. I hope we will meet one day before it is too late. I wish my dreams can come true and that i will be able to experience true love. I wish I can one day say that I know what true love is.

Sometimes i wish .......
Tonight ...
I wish I could stop wishing
Start LIVING instead.