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Friday, November 2, 2012

Suicide? Why?

It must' a been a place so dark, couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why that's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why that's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swayin' in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place

Oh why there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight

They were wrong
They lied
And now you're gone
And we cried
Cause It's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

Why - Rascal Flatts

We met for the first time five years ago. My sister introduced you as her neighbor and very good friend, she said you were more like family. That sounded nice. Several days after I arrived this year, we became concerned for you, as you were so distressed about losing your job. So many times we talked about you, hoping to find a way to ease your anxiety. So many times we wondered Why you would find it so hard when you knew perfectly well that you would soon find a new job. So many times ..... so many times ...

 Why? Why didn't we hear any alarm bells? How come we couldn't realize that your pain was deeper than a normal loss? Why were we only noticing the changes in you but not realizing that you were sending SOS messages? Why were you alone at home that night? Why did the doctors send you back home pretending you were perfectly fine and were, basically, exaggerating?

I look at your husband. He is trying to be strong for your daughters. You abandoned him after all those long years together. He has been my son's best companion since we arrived, helping him to practice his English. I saw them many times a day talking and laughing! I see him now pale and tired, forcing a smile with two big question marks reflecting in his eyes. Why? 

I think of your daughters. Why did you abandon them? Why didn't you at least call to say goodbye? Didn't you consider how heartbroken they would be? How did you think they would manage without you? I know you will be there for them from where you are now, but they don't know that. They want you physically with them. They want your support. They need you to be at their weddings and to be there, spoiling their children. Why? Why did you do this to them?

I think of my sister and all the plans you made together. I can feel her pain, her guilt. She used to come to me and ask me questions about depression. She was trying so hard to understand your behavior and words in order to help you the best she could. She was so worried about you, and she still can't believe you're gone. She still feels she is hearing your voice. She still thinks of you and of ways to cheer you up, then she remembers the hard truth and says WHY??

Then I think of me. I had locked myself in my bedroom for so many days. Why did I choose to go out on that Sunday and meet with you and talk to you? How I wish I hadn't seen you, yet I wish I had read it in your eyes. You said we will talk. You asked me how I felt. You wanted to know if I was happy and if my children were adapting well to their new life in a new country. I looked into your eyes but I was blind to their language, blinded by my own distress. That was just a few hours before you were gone? How I wish I was more aware. Why didn't you tell me?

Why did you leave the stage in the middle of your beautiful song? A moment of anger, disappointment and despair when the orchestra messes with the rhythm of the song. One false note can be very disturbing to the ear. One can either stop singing, or decide to sing louder to cover up the disharmony.
You decided to stop singing.

I know why. I know that your death carries a painful secret: You only needed to be seen. You desperately needed to be noticed and to have your pain validated. That's why. Did you really want to go? I doubt it. You were desperately trying to understand why you were suffering that much ... which is why you went to that stupid Doctor, asking for help. You were confused about your own feelings. You didn't blame anyone else for not taking you seriously as you, yourself, did not understand what was happening.

I would never judge or blame you because I understand; I, too, have been that desperate. I, too, have wanted to end my hell ... but when I look at all the pain you left behind, when I see all the hurt your death has caused, and all the people who truly loved you, I can't help screaming with the others and saying WHY ?????

I'm trying to learn self love, but sometimes I feel better by only thinking of others. I don't want to cause pain to the people I love. I wish you had thought of those who love you ..... had realized exactly how much pain you would inflict on the lives of those you left behind when you decided to stop singing.