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Friday, June 15, 2012

Sisterhood Award: A smile in the dark

After all the progress I have done since last summer, and mainly since I started this Blog, I didn't think I would feel again as down, angry and depressed as I am today. It all started last week-end, and has been going worse day after day. I wonder why it feels sometimes like everything is going wrong? Why I seem some days to only attract negativity?
  • Life at home was simply "hell' this week. 
  • I faced two very big problems at work
  • My eldest daughter didn't do well in her official exams. I'm not surprised as she was under so much stress and pressure with all the aggressiveness and violence at home during her exams time.
  • Physical pain has been horrible, and all the pain killers I was taking didn't help at all.
  • This month, last year, was a very bad one and a turning point in my life. The 19th of June is a date I will never forget.
  • I took the biggest decision in my life, but I'm still not able to work on making it happen
For all these different reasons, I ignored my Blog, and lost interest in writing and reading. What has encouraged me to write a post tonight is just to express my gratitude to Erin who has nominated me for a new award. 
I'm taking this opportunity to thank you all for your support and understanding and to apologize for not being able to concentrate enough to read your lovely posts. I will be back as soon as I can.

I am really thankful to Erin from bellableuehealing for this Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award!

I can't remember how I first landed on Erin's Blogging space, but I clearly  remember the big influence Erin's words had on me. Her posts are very powerful and her words go straight to the heart.
What makes my visit to bellableuehealing very special is that I feel "home". The subjects treated, the positive energy I feel, the love sharing make it a very special space where I feel comfortable. The sisterhood award means a lot to me because Erin treats me as a sister, asking about me, caring and loving.

And these are the rules of the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award;
  • Include the award’s logo in a post or on your blog.
  • Share the love and link the person who nominated you.
  • Tell 7 facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 7 other fabulous bloggers.
  • Link your nominees to this post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.
I'm supposed now to tell you 7 facts about myself. Since I am honestly not able yet to think about anything interesting to tell, I choose to tell you 7 symptoms that always indicate I'm going through one phase of severe depression in my usual chronic depression:

  1. I can't stand any kind of physical contact with anyone, not even a hug from my children
  2. Noise and movement around me become triggers of big anger and extreme irritability
  3. I withdraw from everything: I stop answering phone calls, text messages, emails or any form of contact with others. I always appear offline as I'm unable to have a conversation with anyone.
  4. I stop listening to music as I become too emotional;  I stop talking and start to communicate by writing  even with the people around me in the same room.
  5. I get very easily overwhelmed, and feel so guilty about everything. I am now so angry at myself for not going through the blogs I love reading and all the email notifications I have.
  6. I feel I need help and try to ask for it, but once it is offered, I don't take it because I don't feel I deserve it, I don't feel I'm worth it.  I'm afraid to show how bad things are, and to let anyone see "me" behind the mask.
  7. I lose interest in everything including eating, sleeping, breathing...
Through all that , I still look at my first best friend in the mirror and tell her: " don't worry, hold my hand, walk with me, and I'll take you out of there....( I wonder why I feel I don't really believe "me"?)!

There are so many Blogs I want to mention, but the number is always limited. I have to nominate 7 blogs I love. I will try to choose ones  that I didn't get the chance to mention in my previous posts:
  1. I stop for suffering , Meg
  2. Aha-Now, Harleena Singh
  3. Keeping Time, Emily
  4. Every Day Gyaan, Corinne Rodrigues
  5. Adverseuniverse, Roxy
  6. Going A-Musing, Vidya Sury
  7. 10 steps to finding Your happy Place Galen Pearl

Thank you again for your patience. Although it seems very dark today, I know things will get better. It did before, and it will this time too.

Much love to each and everyone of you <3

Friday, June 8, 2012

Hey Friend, Welcome back!

Although I tried to avoid her ugly sad face, I couldn't help meeting with her, every time I looked in the mirror.
I was encouraged so many times whether I was chatting with a friend or reading blog posts or articles to start loving myself, to see the beauty that is within me, to at least accept and forgive myself. That was really hard after all these years of self judgement and guilt.

When Pat asked me few months ago to give myself a hug, and insisted I should try, telling me how to do it, I laughed, tried, but only succeeded in feeling repugnance for that person I was supposed to love.

I kept trying, I kept reading, seeking as much love as I could from everyone in here, in that magical computer screen; from everyone present in my heart, and the flow of love I was getting was filling me with a new strength, the like of which I had lost years before.

Two weeks ago, my friend Linda suggested an exercise which is to look at myself in the mirror every single day, as many time as I can, and to look at myself with love and compassion. I promised to try, and I did. 

I was certainly not able to say "I love you" out loud while looking in my eyes and I really don't know if I will ever be able to do that, but I managed to look at that sad and ugly face I was avoiding and made a deal with it: 

" Let's make a deal. I don't know if our friendship will ever be the same as it was in the past. I don't know if I can ever repair all the damage that was done by others or by myself, but I promise I will at least try and take care of you. I will treat you gently when you're ill. I will help you when you're in trouble. I will respect you and all your needs without judgement. I will stand by you and help you face your demons."

I made that girl in the mirror a promise, and I am keeping my promise. I took her to the old doctor who used to treat her 25 years ago and got the best treatment for her. I took her to the hairdresser so that she feels fresh and taken care of. I allow her to admit she is feeling down when she is, and encourage her to admit her fears and her pain. I allow her to remove her mask when she is in my presence. I have committed to help her find a healthier balance in her diet.

When I wrote on my previous post "to be continued", I had no idea how this story would continue. I was challenging myself. I was encouraging myself to make at least one step forward. You were loving witnesses, and I would never want to deceive you.

Every morning this week, I looked at the girl in the mirror, smiled at her and asked:

" Hey friend, what can I do for you today?"

This week I can say that I have made peace with my First best Friend.

Nominated again:

You continue all to be so generous and loving with me. I had the surprise yesterday to see that I have been nominated again by my friend Sharon Day In The Life of a Busy Gal for two awards: The Versatile Blogger Award and the Reader Appreciation Award. Sharon discuss on her Blog a big variety of subjects that can certainly interest you all. Since I already received those two awards, I invite each one of you who don't have them yet to consider himself tagged and to check the rules for those awards in my previous posts. Thank you for the love sharing :)

Saturday, June 2, 2012

My First Best Friend

I knew a little girl who was cute and funny. She loved everyone around, sharing her time and her smiles. She comforted the lonely hearts and listened to the ones who were hurt. She helped with all she had, she gave all she could.

I used to meet her often. I was her confidant. She told me all her secrets. She shared her joys and pains with me. She loved me a lot, and always forgave me when I ignored her. I saw her beauty and wondered why no one else seemed able to see it. I asked God so many times, what did she do wrong to deserve that treatment? Why was he allowing to suffer all that pain?

She was strong and taught me love and forgiveness. Day after day, year after year, and as that little girl was growing, her eyes were becoming sad, her smile was fading away. Why did the light fade from her face? Where is that brightness I used to see sparkling in her eyes? Where was the comfort she used to give me?

That girl had changed a lot. She needed far more attention. I didn't have time for her. I didn't need her in my life anymore. I wanted a friend to make me happy, not a friend who just complained all the time. 

The poor little thing wasn't really complaining. She didn't say a word, but looking at her made me feel her pain so strongly, and it hurt. It hurt a lot because I loved her and felt helpless. I didn't know how to calm her fears. I didn't know how to ease her pain. I wasn't happy myself, so I chose the easy way.

I chose to ignore her, and ignore her silent tears that were breaking my heart. I didn't answer when she called me. I didn't look in her eyes when we met. Seeing her was making me so angry. It was a mixture of sadness and guilt. I hated MYSELF for abandoning her, but I hated HER for being who she was.

Although I tried to avoid her ugly sad face, I couldn't help meeting with her, every time I looked in the mirror.

To Be continued....