That's Nothing...

Last week, I posted 'A cry for Help'. I knew that all my friends who read my Blog would send me love and support, but the responses I had were far beyond my expectations. I honestly never felt loved the way you all made me feel this week. I have always prayed and wished to have a friend, but instead of one friend, I now find myself in the middle of the most amazing circle of friends. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

I have been sick this week with bronchitis and I stayed home most of the time. Although I am still very tired, I had a very busy day today with my children. Among other things, I went with my little princess to a cafe where we met with my sister. As soon as we sat at a table, my sister said :


"Tomorrow we 're going to the village; aunt H is very sick. I know you don't care. I know family means nothing to you, but dad and I are going, just so that you know."

Family means nothing to you... family means nothing to you... nothing.. nothing.... you mean nothing to them, you are nothing... nothing... the word "nothing" was resonating in my head. My mind was transforming my sister's words, but all I could think of was "nothing".

Since the age of 6 years old, my cousin who was not much older than me, somehow always managed to sleep beside me whenever we went to the village to spend the week end. We were seven children and two adults sharing three mattresses on the floor.

I knew what was happening was wrong. I knew he had no right to do what he was doing, but all my attempts to avoid him were in vain. I was too scared to tell my parents or anyone else. I felt I had to accept and let it happen in order to protect my sisters. He knew that was my weak point.
"If you don't want, it's not a problem, I'm going to sleep next to your sister!"

Years were passing, and the same "village routine" was taking place. The older I was, the more uncomfortable I became. I was ashamed of myself, depressed, sick.

Ten years after it started my cousin was more demanding, more controlling, I finally decided this had to stop. After a lot of thinking and panicking, I called Aunt H, my abuser's mother, and told her I had something very important to tell her. We sat on a sofa, side by side. I looked her in the eyes and with a voice trembling from all the mixed emotions, I told her the truth. I told her what her son has been doing to me. I told her that I never let my parents know to avoid family problems. I said the truth. Awaiting her reply, I was breathless. She held my hands in hers, looked at me with a wide smile and said:

"It's OK Nikky , it's fine.That is nothing. It is nothing. Is that the important thing you had to tell me? He is just proving his love to you. That is part of life. That is a proof of love. In just few years, you will be his wife. That was the deal since you were born when your Grandmother decided".

"Hey, hey Nikky!!! Where did you go?? Did you hear what I was just telling you? Tomorrow we're going to the village; aunt H is very sick. I know you don't care. I know family means nothing to you, but dad and I are going, just so that you know."

I am not resentful.

I did forgive them all.

I love and care for them all and wish them well, but I also need to physically distance myself from them.

  

Does that make me heartless?