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Sunday, May 13, 2012

That's Nothing...


Last week, I posted 'A cry for Help'. I knew that all my friends who read my Blog would send me love and support, but the responses I had were far beyond my expectations. I honestly never felt loved the way you all made me feel this week. I have always prayed and wished to have a friend, but instead of one friend, I now find myself in the middle of the most amazing circle of friends. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

I have been sick this week with bronchitis and I stayed home most of the time. Although I am still very tired, I had a very busy day today with my children. Among other things, I went with my little princess to a cafe where we met with my sister. As soon as we sat at a table, my sister said :


"Tomorrow we 're going to the village; aunt H is very sick. I know you don't care. I know family means nothing to you, but dad and I are going, just so that you know."

Family means nothing to you... family means nothing to you... nothing.. nothing.... you mean nothing to them, you are nothing... nothing... the word "nothing" was resonating in my head. My mind was transforming my sister's words, but all I could think of was "nothing".

Since the age of 6 years old, my cousin who was not much older than me, somehow always managed to sleep beside me whenever we went to the village to spend the week end. We were seven children and two adults sharing three mattresses on the floor.
I knew what was happening was wrong. I knew he had no right to do what he was doing, but all my attempts to avoid him were in vain. I was too scared to tell my parents or anyone else. I felt I had to accept and let it happen in order to protect my sisters. He knew that was my weak point.
"If you don't want, it's not a problem, I'm going to sleep next to your sister!"

Years were passing, and the same "village routine" was taking place. The older I was, the more uncomfortable I became. I was ashamed of myself, depressed, sick.


Ten years after it started my cousin was more demanding, more controlling, I finally decided this had to stop. After a lot of thinking and panicking, I called Aunt H, my abuser's mother, and told her I had something very important to tell her. We sat on a sofa, side by side. I looked her in the eyes and with a voice trembling from all the mixed emotions, I told her the truth. I told her what her son has been doing to me. I told her that I never let my parents know to avoid family problems. I said the truth. Awaiting her reply, I was breathless. She held my hands in hers, looked at me with a wide smile and said:

"It's OK Nikky , it's fine.That is nothing. It is nothing. Is that the important thing you had to tell me? He is just proving his love to you. That is part of life. That is a proof of love. In just few years, you will be his wife. That was the deal since you were born when your Grandmother decided".

"Hey, hey Nikky!!! Where did you go?? Did you hear what I was just telling you? Tomorrow we're going to the village; aunt H is very sick. I know you don't care. I know family means nothing to you, but dad and I are going, just so that you know."




I am not resentful.
I did forgive them all.
I love and care for them all and wish them well, but I also need to physically distance myself from them.
  
Does that make me heartless?

65 comments:

  1. You are anything but heartless, Nikky. To be able to forgive that abuse puts you head and shoulders above the vast majority of those who have suffered similar traumas.
    May our loving God wrap you in His comforting arms and give you peace, my friend.

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  2. No, you are not in anyway heartless, Nikky. <3

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  3. Nikki,
    I visited from Tina's blog and I am very pleased to make your acquaintance. I read this post with such interest because you speak my language. I too came from an abusive home where the revealing of the sexual abuse from my step-father was met with, 'are you sure?'
    No, you aren't heartless, you are doing what is best for you given the cirucmstances. You are protecting yourself NOW because no one protected you then...stay strong!

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    1. Hug to you Tracy for having triumphed!!!

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    2. Thank you very much Tracey. Thank you for joining my Blog. The more I read Blogs, the more I find people who suffered the same abuse. It is so sad :(

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  4. ((hugs)) I'm so sorry Nikki......you have every right to feel the way you do. It was heartless of them to do that to you and then to act like it was okay. Sometimes we need to even cut off family if they are harmful to us. God says he will never leave us even if our family forsakes us. Just because we forgive others does not mean we have to keep those people around us. I'm praying for you.....stay strong & speak the truth when they say things like that......speak the truth in love. When you bring things out into the light it takes away the strength of the wickedness.

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    1. Thank you so much Amber for your continuous support. I tried to hide the truth for very long. I feel free now to tell those things on My Blog because it is my space, and because i know those who read are people who care. Much love to you <3

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  5. Of course you are not. I am sorry for what has happened to you, and I admire you for being able to recover from it all. Forgiveness is a good thing, but there are things a person should never forget. I think what you are doing is right; don't feel ashamed. It does not make you heartless or guilty, not one bit.

    Happy Mother's day, and I hope you have a wonderful week ahead. Stay well.

    M.

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    1. Thank you Dave for your very nice words of comfort.
      They always try to make me feel guilty, but the worst part is when they don't even believe me <3

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  6. Nikky, you're not at all heartless. Do what is best for you, even if others do not understand. Do not be a victim any more. Take care my friend. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you Myrna. Sometimes it is very hard, sometimes being a victim is much easier than fighting and standing up for myself, but with all the support, I think I am doing well. Love you

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  7. No, not heartless, ready to move on. Wish them well, but no longer being available for hurt. It's ok, you love them. Your heart is huge, they have blinders on but don't know. You are free if you for allow the judgement to define you!

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    1. Thank you very much Jodi. Whenever I tried before to talk about the many different incidents that happened to me, I found myself accused to be looking for those incidents, and I somehow believed them because i used to ask myself, why me? There is a reason why it happens to me always? I used to think that One time is an accident, twice its a bad luck, but when a same person is victim of sexual abuse repeatedly, something is definitively wrong with her.
      The only person who listened and believed me once was my husband, but since then, his favorite game is talking about it, and creating his own stories about it.
      Those incidents are not hurting anymore, but what is hurting is the use he is doing of them. I had yesterday to suffer listening to him describing in details what he thinks happened and how happy i felt about it. Its not what happened that hurts, it's not to be believed, and its the use of this past in destroying me now.

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  8. Nikky, No, you are not heartless. Not in any way. Your heart is huge, and the fact that you have forgiven the abuser and your aunt shows your compassion and love. But just because you forgive someone does not mean that you have to be around that person ever again. You are protecting yourself, and that is what you need to do.

    I am so sorry that you went through this abuse, Nikky. I am so sorry.


    Much love,
    Tina

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    1. Thank you Tina. While reading the comments i was thinking: am I really protecting myself by not wanting to see them? I think it is more than that. When I do meet any of them, they act as the super loving family members, like people who miss me, who love me and always did. I do love them, but I know they don\t love me. I am just avoiding to be in a situation where they are again playing with my feelings.
      Love you

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  9. Sick families have an emotional investment in keeping the status quo. When someone like you stops playing the game, they will throw all kinds of manipulations at you to try to keep you in your assigned role in the family.

    It's a gift of love to yourself, your kids, and to all of them to get healthy and strong...they may not accept that gift, but it is loving and heart-filled and courageous to hold up the mirror and say, "No more."

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    1. Thank you so much Nadine for passing by and leaving this nice comment. You are right, they use all kinds of manipulation and its time to stay NO.
      Much love!

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  10. Oh friend...,
    This sickens me.
    That you had to go through this and hear the word nothing.
    Well it was something.
    Viciously something.
    I'm so sorry and I don't know the right words to say that will erase that pain.
    But I think you're doing right by staying away.
    Love you

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    1. Love you too Kimberly. When i think now of my children and how I worry for them, i get more disgusted by the word Nothing in that context!
      Love you

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  11. You are not heartless at all. I know it must have hurt, though when she said 'family means nothing to you.' Family is supposed to help girls when they are made to feel shame and discomfort. You deserved their protection; now you have to protect yourself.

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    1. I found now online a real family. I didn't have that before Lisa. I so wish I did,. I am protecting myself, but also by staying away, i am trying to protect my children. Love <3

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  12. Sending you much love Nikky. Healing blessings coming your way. To forgive does not mean we forget. You are not heartless, you are love. You are loving yourself enough to not do what you don't feel is in your highest good! Peace to you

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    1. Thank you so much Amy for your very nice words.
      Sometimes i also tell myself: if I was heartless, why would my heart be aching now? for them? for me?
      Love you <3

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  13. No you are definitely not heartless.I would say it is very strong of you to even speak about and I truly appreciate you strength. Remember to forgive does not mean that you will forget that incident but it means you chose not to let that hurt damage you further. There is nothing wrong in standing up for yourself and saying No..I don't think this is correct and in case we are supposed to get married let all this happen after that.

    We all are magical creations of God and deserve our own right to live life with dignity. And no one on this earth can take away this right from us.

    >-------------------------HUGS-------------------------<

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    1. Absolutely! You are right.
      After that incident and since i was refusing to accept to get engaged to this cousin, they used all kinds of mind game trying to tell me that no one would accept a spouse like me, someone with a past, but i didn't care. It was much better for me not to get married at all rather than get married to my abuser. Much love <3

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  14. You are by no way heartless Nikky. You forgave and this is a strong decision. But the scars are still there, you need your time, you need your space.
    They are the ones erasing what happened, just like this, because it surely feels easier. When nobody is there for you, you have to be there for yourself, you have to protect yourself. Keeping you in my prayers dear.
    Much love Nikky.

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    1. Thank you very much Marie. Although this happened very long ago, it feels good now to tell about it and feel that people are believing me. Thank you <3

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  15. Nikky. It is awful to not have anyone listen to you, I mean really listen when you are experiencing such abuse. I remember trying to tell my mother once and she was not in the mood to listen and so I never brought it up again!

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    1. When I told my mother, she was cooking. She didn't even look at me. I got upset, and started crying and said :you don't care? you have nothing to say? say something, look at me? she just looked at me and said: its the past, leave it there :(

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  16. It does not make you heartless, Nikky. Sometimes it takes a lot to forgive someone. You've done that for them. You are allowed to this for yourself.

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    1. Thank you very much Kelly. I forgave and didn't forget. These memories are there, but no longer controlling me.

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  17. Nikky You should look after yourself and do the things necessary for continued healing and growth!! It's hard to forgive those who wrong us and I should know as my father inflicted much physical abuse on me as a child...Some days I'd love to smash his head in with a shovel but I swallow my anger and move on with myself.

    You're an incredibly brave woman for getting to this stage and you will find many understanding folks in the blogging world willing to lend an ear or shoulder to cry on. Take care and God bless!!

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    1. Thank you David!!
      The support and many listening ears i am getting in the blogging world is amazing. Reading what you said here about your father, i tried to remember myself at that age.All I felt towards my cousin was pity, I felt pity for him, and sadness when it come to his mother

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  18. First let me tell you.. I am sorry that you had to experience abuse at the hands of your cousin. I was under the age of 4 when my cousin molested me for the first time. But, the part that concerns me more is that you "aunt" thinks it was ok. It is NEVER ok to touch a child. I grew up in an era where a lot of things were "ok" because it fell under the umbrella of child exploration. It is one thing to be close in age and both parties are curious, it is something else for one to be older, know what they are doing, and emotionally blackmails you into doing it. That is NOT ok! You have a responsibility to your children to protect them and you are protecting them by keeping them away from the people who are just as sick in the head as the molester. Forgiveness means that you stopped allowing what they did or in your aunt's case didn't do, to control your life. It doesn't mean you have to go kiss the ass of anyone who doesn't know the difference in consensual intimacy and molestation. You are doing the right thing and your sister needs to refrain from the emotional terrorism she is inflicting on you and do her job as a sister... comfort you, support you, and love you without conditions.

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    1. For most people this is a very uncomfortable issue, forjenssake. They figure out ways to wriggle out of it--it is ok to watch an SMJ show on a sunday morning and discuss it on twitter but very very hard to walk with someone in pain. For that you and me have to take that extra step, to hold and be sisters.
      Forjenssake, a hug to you too, sister, for what you have been through!! And a happy smile in my heart for having triumphed!!!

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    2. I'm very sorry you went through the same and at the young age of 4. How awful!! It makes me sick to even think any of my children might be going into something similar.
      My sister? She is very loving, but I guess she will never understand. She never did, and never will.

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    3. That's very hard to deal with, having to shoulder all this and then also have the lack of understanding from your sister. This is one heck of a situation for testing your strength, you are quite a girl being able to cope with it and forgive. By sharing this on your blog, you're helping many other people, so if you can take anything good from this perhaps it could be the massive support your story provides for others. The emotional torture of this kind of thing, what your aunt said to you, is maybe the worst part, because it can really mess up your head. Stay strong, as I know you will, and know that there is a whole community here backing you up.

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  19. First of all hugs, a very tight hug, my sister!!!! I hold you in my heart and in my being...
    Nikky, forgiveness is the hardest part isn't it? The invalidating words, the absolute cruel words "he was proving his love"--aah, they leave you so confused, so turned around...aah, that women should not listen to their own sister's cry for help!
    Nikky, you may want to read a similar piece on my blog...

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    1. Thank you so much for your words, and comments. I also appreciate very much your interactions with other's comments too. Thank you. You are so right. I was so confused by what is right and what is wrong, what is love and what is abuse.
      I would love to read about it on your Blog. I will go and check it now. Much love

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  20. Heartless??? ABSOLUTELY NOT! It seems you have encompassed what it means to forgive but you in no way have to be in the presence of those persons EVER AGAIN! Brave and strong you are~ NOT HEARTLESS!

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    1. Thank you SO much!!! Love you <3

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  21. --Nikki,
    No, you are not heartless.
    Instinctively, you know the right thing to do.
    Follow your instinct. Always.
    Much Love Flowing to you, Dear. Xxxx

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    1. Thank you very much Kim!!
      Love you my friend <3

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  22. Not heartless. My heart aches for what you went through. And I feel angry that your aunt brushed it off as nothing.

    Hugs, dear Nikky. I understand.

    Love, Vidya

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    1. Thank you Vidya for your support. How nice it is to know that someone understands. It really makes the whole difference <3

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  23. You need to distance yourself from the memories...though you have forgiven them, visiting them will cause much heartache for you. It is better this way.

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    1. You're right Janaki. I feel I need to stay away, to just surround myself with loving people these days <3

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  24. sending you much love & prayers!

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  25. Oh Nikky... what you've been through breaks my heart. I loathe people who take away the innocence of children. And I loathe more the people who condone such act and think it's ok! You are DEFINITELY NOT heartless. You may have forgiven someone, but it doesn't mean that you should still see or be with that person most especially if that would make you get hurt over and over again.

    Thank you so much for opening your heart once more, Nikky. Take care and God bless <3 <3 <3

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    1. Thank you very much Irene. Sometimes I need to hear those words.Sometimes i need to hear someone telling me that. I need to know that what i am doing is right. Love you <3

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  26. You get stronger everyday. I believe we are never given more than we can shoulder. I don't always understand it, but I know within there is power a person has yet to tape. You're moving onward everyday.

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    1. You are so right Brenda. Less than few months ago, I wouldn't be able to handle as much as i am doing now. i am changing, growing, although it is painful.

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  27. This is such and intense post. You are so very brave to put all this out there for others to read. I have no doubt that by doing this you are helping someone who is reading this. Hang in there dear.

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    1. Thank you so much Sandy. If I am able to help while I am getting help too, that is the best combination ever. Much love <3

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  28. Nikky, I don't believe you could ever be heartless. On the contrary, my friend. I think you have a big heart if you were able to forgive. Like Jodi mentioned, "wish them well and move on." You've already forgiven them and now you must do what you think is best for you. Keep the faith, lady.

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    1. Thank you Bella!!! I always love your comments. You see? I smiled when you mentioned Jodi's comment as it means you too read other's comments :)
      Love you <3

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  29. No, no it does NOT make you heartless. It makes you HEALTHY. To stick around this family that allowed that abuse...that would be unhealthy. For them to expect you to want to be around them-well to me they are the heartless ones. I agree with Sandy-by sharing your story you are helping others out there. Many hugs to you, and I admire your strength.

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    1. Thank you very much for your visit and comment. The support you are showing helps a lot. Much love <3

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  30. Heartless? Never? I just cannot believe people justify such terrible acts. I wouldn't go near your Aunt H. You can forgive but never forget that she did not do right by you, Nikky

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    1. Thank you Rimly. When I meet Aunt H or any family member,I say hello, I talk to her. I don't wish anything bad for her or anyone else, But i just feel that going to see her is not right since I just don't feel like it. I consider i have now the right to say no.

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  31. You have every right to decide things that will be best for you. I think your sister made such remarks because she 'doesn't know' what you truly felt inside...

    You are a very sensitive caring and loving person. Hugging you and praying peace for you.

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    1. Thank you Melissa.
      The main problem with my sister or with my family in general is that all they care for is their image in the society. I have learned this in a very hard way. all they think of and worry about is what would people think of us. I refuse to be like them in that. I am honest with my feelings, and I am done pretending.
      Much love <3

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