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Friday, May 4, 2012

A Cry for Help



It's 4:00 am and I can't sleep.I have been trying since last Friday to write, not because I have to, but because writing actually helps.
I didn't like any of my writings, so, as fast as I wrote, I deleted. Each effort seemed to me either "silly" or not interesting, or too negative.
Is that what is called self doubt? Could be, but I'm not sure it is the case with what has been happening this week. After all, I am writing just to express myself, to say what's on my mind, to be listened to. I'm not writing to become popular or to sell anything. Then why delete what I have been saying? Am I ashamed of my feelings and emotions? Am I afraid to disappoint you all who believe in me? I'm sure there is a little of that of all these options, but I would rather say that the main reason is denial.


I refuse to feel the way I do.
I refuse to admit my weaknesses.
I refuse to get hurt again.
I refuse to give up.
I refuse to admit that I need help.

The truth is that I do need help. ... I need help. ... Could anyone help me? ... Would anyone help me? ... Please?

There ... I have said it. I will try to keep this article. I will try not to delete it. This is me. I am honest and open with all of you, so why not be honest and open with myself too?

I have spent all these years trying hard to earn the approval of others. I have done my best to show them I was strong enough to handle everything, however, I had no faith in my own strength. I thought I was just pretending and acting, but now I see it. Now I know that I am strong. Now I know that I am ME and I also know that this "me" is strong but I still have needs like any other person, any other creature on this planet.

Are those signs of weakness? I thought they were, but I was wrong. Those are the essence of our existence.

I need love. I need respect. I need to exist, to breathe and to live.

Above all, I need MY OWN love, respect and acceptance. Is that too much to ask? Where do I find this acceptance? How do I start to love myself? Which compartment of my mind or my heart is it hidden in? When did I stop respecting myself? Is that, too, buried under the bombed-out rubble of my war-torn childhood? Will I ever be able to look at that face in the bathroom mirror and see beyond the skin? How do I access the true, inner me, and make friends with her at last ... because, from the tiny sprout of new friendship springs the wonderful flower of non-judgmental love.

I need your help and I need my love. By reading this, you are helping. Thank you.


89 comments:

  1. Patricia EastwoodMay 4, 2012 at 5:24 AM

    When I look in the mirror, after years of low self esteem and self-loathing, I look deep into the eyes there ... and I see my soul. A totally separate, eternal being, which wears this body for the length of this particular incarnation.

    I realise that this soul LOVES the person which is me ... unequivocally. The love which it feels for me is totally non-judgemental. The love which I receive is pure and all-encompassing.

    When I began to understand this love, I could finally begin to accept it. As I accepted it, the miracle happened ... I began to love in return. Soon, the love I could allow myself to feel for my soul extended to myself ... this set of clothing which my soul wears now.

    Nicole ... when you have the opportunity to breathe ... to step back from the constant dramas which your life is made up of at the current moment of Earthly time ... you, too, will find that you can access your inner soul.

    That time WILL arrive, it is nearer than you think, my dear friend ... and we will all be with you at that time, cheering you on ... with LOVE.

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    1. Thank you Pat for this beautiful message.
      "when you have the opportunity to breathe" You're so right. day after day, as things are getting worse, I feel that even breathing is hard work to do :(
      The only way for me now to feel that love you are talking about, is when I look at myself through your eyes, Jodi's eyes and the eyes of all my supportive online friends. Love you <3 <3 <3

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  2. love u Nicole....u are always in my thoughts & prayers!

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    1. Thank you Missy, love you too <3

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  3. Nikky, you know it is so hard to accept our weaknesses, to accept we need help.
    I was talking about this with my therapist yesterday telling her I always show my strong side to people but never allow myself to cry or ask others to be there for me. But she always said this to me: "people meet in their pain, it is there we need friends the most. In joy too but in these moments where nothing makes sense anymore, when you can't find your place anymore, it's there people join, it's there relationships meet".

    I realize acknowledging our weaknesses and saying out loud we need help is a strength, the most beautiful one.

    You are in my heart and prayer Nikky. I wrote this the other day - meditate it dear:

    "Don’t listen to the ones who will say you’re not worth it
    Know deep down you are beautiful
    You are loved for who you are
    Nobody can deprive you of that"

    MUCH LOVE.xx

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    1. Those are beautiful words Marie!!!
      Thank you so much!
      The support I am finding on the Blog is amazing!! I said I needed help and the love that came my way from everyone is just wonderful. Thank you so much

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  4. By writing and hitting the publish bottom you are stronger than you know, trust in yourself.

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    1. I don't know why Brenda your comment went to Spam! I'm sorry!! Thank you so much. Love you <3

      Delete
  5. Nikky. It's nice to write, to be read. If this helps, then I'm glad I'm helping. Still, I wish you did more to help yourself - professional help? spiritual help? self help? I know you've done a lot already. I just wish you could turn those downward feelings around. My heart is with you and I can see your struggle with remaining positive. I send you positive energy, thoughts, wishes, prayers.

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    1. Thank you Myrna, and I agree with you that I need more professional help. Last Time I saw my psychiatrist was maybe 5 months ago, and he still doesn't know I have stopped my treatment and my therapy.I stopped the medical treatment by choice, but the therapy, it's because i can't afford it anymore.As for spiritual help and self help, i am doing that by reading as much as I can, and learning things. It is helping. What is helping most is the love I feel and the support everyone is giving me.

      Delete
  6. Nikky, this is such a beautifully written post..I feel we got a glimpse to your soul.
    My Pastor told me once that a part of being mentally healthy and having strength IS to recognize and admit when you need help.
    The fact of the matter is everyone needs help at some point and everyone we know is fighting a battle inside themselves during one time or another.
    I have always responded positively when a friend has come to me with her struggles and I think that is what we are here on earth to do - to be there for one another. There is strength in numbers. Also, sharing your story with a friend brings you closer to them because you know the "real" person.
    It is difficult for me to ask for help for myself. I think that has a lot to do with not receiving empathy as a child and not being able to express my feelings. I think repressing my feelings has contributed to my illness (OCD). I am trying to change that.
    You are such a beautiful person and I am glad to know you.

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    1. I'm really happy to meet you too Krystal. I can't ask for anything for myself. Even when I pray, I include everyone in my prayers, all those who ask me, all the persons in need of prayers, but i can never prayer God asking for anything for myself. I can ask others to pray for me, but I don't do for myself. It's also because of my childhood. My pain was never taken seriously, and that hurts, so I learned to keep it for myself. Much love

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  7. Dear Nikky, I am reading and I am caring about you and praying for you. Your readers, including me, will be here to read about your life and your efforts to love yourself and accept yourself and help yourself. As Patricia said, your eternal self loves you unconditionally.

    It's not easy for me to ask for help, either. I have a hard time admitting that I need someone to help me. But it's almost a relief to ask for help, because once we've admitted that we need help, we can begin to really heal.

    You have such a beautiful heart. I hope you can begin to do what you need to do to free yourself to "breathe and live," as you say.

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    1. Thank you very much Tina. I can feel your love and concern since the first time we were in touch and that is more than enough to make me feel better, to help me breathe.
      When I have emotional support, I feel I can do anything, and you are giving me that. Thank you

      Delete
  8. It is not too much to ask. You deserve eveything. The beautiful eternal soul is there and so beautiful. I'm so glad you added your photo. You are finding it reflected in our eyes. We are here to help, tell me what we can do, besides reading, loving, respecting, feeling your pain with you? Why can we do to help clear the clouds that hide to shining within. Those clouds do not need to define you anymore. You are a writer a lover a friend an intuitive a healer. Be. Love. Kisses!
    Jodi

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    1. Jodi, i don't know what to say. The help you are giving me, your kindness and love always makes me feel better and gives me hope. Sharing my photo is usually hard for me, even on Facebook, when I put it, it's only upon request and for just few hours as I can't look at my photos :(
      In fact it's Pat who encouraged me to share my photo here.
      You are doing everything one can do, absolutely everything. We all know how busy you are, and you still find time for me, to support me, give me advise, show you care and think of me. You give unconditionally, although i have nothing I can offer in return, nothing else than my love which you have anyways.
      When I read what you say about me, I try to look at myself the way you are looking at me, and that helps a lot. Thank you.Love you <3

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    2. Awesome, your reception of my offerring is a gift!

      Delete
  9. Nikky, I think this is the kind of writing that helps you with the healing process. It comes from within; from the bottom of your soul. We can see your angst reflected in your words, but we can also see your resolve and strength. Continue to express yourself, let the therapeutic effects of writing wash over, and never stop communicating. We are here. We are listening. We care. Hugs for you, dear lady! :)

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    1. Bella, I love your visits to my Blog, and I love your comments. Thank you very much for reading. This helps me because it encourages me to keep writing and letting things out. Thank you my friend. Love you

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  10. Nikky, I think it's great that you wrote this. It sounds like you are realizing things about yourself--things that will help you. Give yourself a lot of credit for that. And you have friends here who will listen any time you need an ear.

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    1. It's true Kelly, even my therapist wasn't listening the way you all are doing, and I am so grateful!

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  11. Nikky, I once felt exactly like you do now. You are definitely on the right track - writing it out, heartfelt, and asking your friends for understanding and help. It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of incredible strength within. The strength He has given you that has gotten derailed because of others expectations. Now, and ever, it is time for yours, my dear!
    Trust in Him and know He, who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it.
    Blessings!

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    1. Thank you Martha. I think we all need to have difficulties in life in order to feel the Love of God. I think people tend to ignore that Love when they are feeling good. God will help me. I trust Him.

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  12. I'm so glad you're writing. Never doubt what you put out there. It's healing your and helping you figure out who you are. This is your space and you should write for you, no one else.
    Write to heal.

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    1. Thank you <3 You are right, i am writing what i couldn't say before, the emotions I wasn't able to share and it is helping me very much

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  13. Beautiful Nikky!

    Wonderful to see your picture finally :)

    And yes, we all are here to help, which proves the point that we all love and respect you. It is not something you undergo alone, as most of us have our down days too when we feel like you are feeling.

    I think what matters most is that you learn to give yourself a pat on the back for writing beautiful posts like this, for connecting with so many of us, for being able to touch the lives of others, and for simply being you!

    I guess when we award ourselves for the smallest of achievements, we learn to love and appreciate ourselves and our efforts. Self affirmations help a great deal in this, and so does looking yourself in the mirror and telling yourself that yes - I am lovable, which indeed you are.

    Thanks for sharing. :)

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    1. Thank you Harleena, and you are right it helps, because it's only lately that i started to accept a compliment with a smile. I used to even refuse any positive or nice thing my friend would tell me. Now I read your comments all, and I smile and my heart smiles too. Much love <3

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  14. Only you can love yourself and your picture shows exactly that.... Never doubt the love you give yourself. It takes a strong and compassionate person to love the self...Every word you write , every thought you express is a reflection of how much you care and love yourself...

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    1. That made me think Savira.It's true, why would I be writing and asking for help if I didn't love myself and wanted to feel better? Thank you for that :)

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  15. The fact that you are writing this Nikky shows how courageous you are. it is not easy to present to the world the real you. I never loved myself and years of abuse had made me believe that I was no good but one day I found the strength in me to look into the mirror and tell myself that I am not all that bad and it helped. Of course I had loads of help from my friends and my teenage son Ron. Believe me you are surrounded with people who care for you and who will help you give that extra nudge to move ahead. Loving you.

    http://rimlybezbaruah.blogspot.in/2012/04/dusk.html

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    1. I'm very sorry Rimly to hear you were abused too. I hope you are safe now. I was telling my friend yesterday that although I want to feel better, I want to stay strong and love myself, but being constantly put down by others, listening always every single days people saying how useless you are is not helping. Much love to you <3

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  16. Wow! Therde is so much here to attend to. First accept yourself. Do not be too hard on yourself. It shows you are a true writer by always wanting to express yourself in the best manner regardless of remuneration. There is one inalienable truth which should comfort and challenge you: if you are not happy in your own company you will not be happy in another's. I am alone now but I am not lonely. I will have company tomorrow and off and on during the week. Either way I am okay. Find strength in yourself. Be not clinging. and you will find happiness :)whew! I hope that helps

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    1. Thank you John!! It does help and you are right because I only feel lonely when i am being abused and that is the moment when I hate myself the most. You are strong too!! Good luck for a better future!

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  17. Just admitting your doubts to your self is recognition of the very core of what every person wants and needs to exist. It's sad when the bad things in life overtake positive qualities like love, beauty and truth. War and other violence creates doubt and darkness.. but your instincts to know yourself, and know the truth, that you are worth loving is a beautiful part of who you are. Thank you for sharing these words and doubts. If you sat next to me I'd give you a hug!

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    1. I closed my eyes and felt the hug as I need it these days more than ever!!! Thank you Margaret. I'm glad to meet you and so happy you visited my Blog. Much love <3

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  18. Dear Nikky,
    You are perfect just as you are. Your perceived flaws and imperfections are what bind you to the rest of humanity. We all have them. We all suffer from self-doubt. Embrace your flaws while you work to become a better version of yourself. It is always two steps forward and one back until you find your footing. You will.

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    1. Thank you Barrie. I'm far from being perfect, but I know that i am doing my Best, and I will keep trying and improving. Thank you <3

      Delete
  19. Like so many of your readers, I too relate to your pain. We need each other; we need to have others witness who we are and where we are. We each walk our own path but there are many other souls on the same path.
    I've spent my life trying to be everything to everybody in hopes of being recognized,accepted and loved. For most of my life I felt no one saw me or knew me. I was alone trying to save the world and take care of others.
    I am finally realizing that taking care of others while leaving myself behind has not worked. It's like trying to carry water in an open hand. We have to do the work of healing our childhood wounds and coming back to our true Self who was left behind in our effort to survive life.
    I love your writing, I love your spirit, and I thank you for asking all of us to be a part of your healing process.

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    1. Thank you very much Brenda for your wonderful message. You are right in what you are saying. I also have spent my life thinking it was my duty to protect all my family, to serve them and love them, and by neglecting myself and doing that for them, They too ignored me and took what I was doing for grated. I was blamed if once I do something for me. Much love to you Brenda <3

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  20. I think we all go through phases of self-doubt. That is normal. We learn and grow from these times. Stay strong and believe in yourself. Don`t let anybody ever tell you that you are not good enough!

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    1. It's exactly 4 years ago that I started to "see" I had rights and needs too. I was treated as a "slave" not as a wife, and I never complained. It was OK, until I collapsed. It's my body who shouted "STOP IT". as long as I was the slave, I had some appreciation and love at home, but as soon as I dared to raise my head and say I am here, nothing is the same

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  21. ***The truth is that I do need help. ... I need help. ... Could anyone help me? ... Would anyone help me? ... Please?***

    Nikki, by admitting this, you are helping other women to admitt the same thing.

    How can I help you, dear? I want to help.

    Love Love Love. xx

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    1. Thank you very much Kim. You are helping already. Love you <3

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  22. So brave of you to put it out there. Let me know how I can help. Sending you love and light.

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  23. I'm so glad you didn't delete this post. It's brave and honest and I think lots of people struggle with the same sorts of questions and doubts. It doesn't help to deny them.

    And I don't know if this helps, but I'm here -- sending you goodness, and reading and reading.

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    1. Of course it helps Emily. The love I am getting from all of you is amazing!!!! Love you <3

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  24. How BRAVE! Do you know how many people go a lifetime without EVER asking for help? Sure you do...that could easily have been you. You are enduring, patient, faithful--that's why it is so hard to ask for help. But you DID IT! I feel insanely proud of you.

    Oh, by the way--thanks for the kick in the you know what--I DID add a SUBSCRIBE (thank you) button at the top of my page today (http://www.thejadedlens.com)

    Love to you Nikky.

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    1. Thank you so much my friend! While reading your comment, I smiled as I remembered what I do when I go to see a doctor. When the doctor asks me :why are you here? My answer is : I'm fine, but they told me I must see you. I was never able to tell my doctor or my therapist about anything.

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  25. The beauty of this post, Nikky, is that it is helps many other people, by allowing them to acknowledge the same feelings you express here so beautifully. And such gorgeous wise advice flows from this post, also helpful to so many.

    We all have down days and helpless, hopeless days. But they will pass. Inside you there is much strength and love and courage. I believe in that, and I believe in you. {{{HUGS}}} Much love to you xx

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    1. Thank you so very much Nicole. Whether on here or on your own Blog, you always offer me such a great support.
      You are right, whatever I am feeling now, it will pass. I can see it, feel it and I have experienced it.
      Much love to you too <3

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  26. You're an amazing person, a gifted writer, and a beautiful soul. Can you look at a photo of yourself as a small child and appreciate the beauty of that child? If you can, then remember, that child is you. At a certain age, we have to become our own parents, our own teachers, and our own best friends. Support from others is so fantastic and can give just the right boost, but it has to start with and be rooted in you. Learn to see yourself through compassionate eyes. You know that you always do your best. You always hope, and you always want to believe in the best of people. Those things alone make you so very incredibly worthy. Love, Doe

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    1. I read your comment here with eyes filled with tears. My first reaction is to ask myself: are those nice words really addressed to me? do I really deserve those nice words. Then I followed your advice and closed my eyes. I have a photo of me when I was one year old. Whenever I look at this photo, I cry. I see in that child in the photo all the beautiful things you mentioned, and I wonder what happened to this little girl? She's still living inside of me, just waiting for me to acknowledge her. Thank you so much. Love you

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  27. "ASK and it shall be given, SEEK and you will find, KNOCK and it will be opened to you".... ASKING is the first step in everything we do! I too have had trouble with what to write or say and also with what others will think of me. I had to swallow my fears and pride and just write from my heart. We will find we aren't the only ones going through things and others can relate, that's where our support system comes into play! ;) I asked God for HELP and He gave me DREAMS of HOPE! We all go through doubt of WHO we are... but we are all created UNIQUE and BEAUTIFUL!!! Thank you for stepping out and asking for help! ;)

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    1. Thank you very much Farfalla. I have learned now to ask for help from all of you, but I still need to learn to ask it from God. I do ask and pray, but i do for others. I can pray for each and everyone, but not for myself. The only thing I can tell God about myself is how grateful i am for everything He has given me, the good and the bad, but I guess God created us Free and would also love to guide us when we ask for His guidance. Thank you

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  28. Hi Nikky,
    I've read it...just keep on expressing yourself, you're doing fine
    be good to yourself
    David

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  29. Keep writing your truth and believe that what you have to say is worth it, because it certainly is.

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    1. Thank you very much for reading and commenting. It really means a lot

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  30. I would say you're already well on your way to being who you want to be, and loving that person, by addressing these issues and being so honest about them. Your honesty is humbling, and will appeal to a huge number of people because we know how you feel as we've felt it ourselves. As Nicole says, just writing what you've written here you've given a wonderful gift to everyone who reads it. The bad, helpless, lost days are awful when they happen, but useful in that they give us something to compare the good days with. I can see from your blog that you're making a lot of progress with your life, and that is truly inspirational. Please keep writing and helping all of us to progress with our lives, as you're doing.

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    1. You make me really happy. Saying that I can be helping others in writing about my emotions and experiences give me a very good feeling. I have always thought that the obstacle we encounter in life are never negative as long as something good can emerge out of it, and give it a new dimension, a new value. I am learning, and I am helping. I am progressing, you're absolutely right. Thank you so much <3

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    2. Nikky, what you write here is pure truth -- raw, real, authentic. It inspires others to do the same, in their own way -- to be honest and real with THEMSELVES first and then with the world. THANK YOU for your presence and TRUTH! AND for being vulnerable -- there is a beautiful strength in that!

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    3. Thank you Lisa!! Being honest, open and real can seem hard sometimes, but it's the way i chose for myself since the beginning. However hard it might look, the outcome can only be a positive one.
      I'm so happy you passed by my Blog :)
      Much love <3

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  31. I find that I love myself because I can understand me like no one else can and because I've been through a lot and keep right on trying. You've gained strength by writing this post. Truly strong people know when they need help and aren't afraid to ask for it because it helps get them back to full strength quicker. xo

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    1. Thank you Rachel. You are right and I do feel stronger after writing this post. I do because I could finally say how I feel, but also because of all the love I have receives in here.

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  32. Hi Nikky :-) First of all, I want to let you know that I am willing to "listen" to what it is that you have to say. Secondly, it is okay to show our vulnerable side and doing so does not indicate that one is weak, but rather a sign that we know ourselves, what we are capable of doing, as well as our limitations. I see it more as a sign of strength because admitting that you need help and that you cannot be strong all the time shows your self-acceptance. Self-acceptance can sometimes be hard. I should know, I'm battling with it too. But I see myself as a work-in-progress and everyday, I am learning to love myself a little bit more. I believe that's what's taking place within you, too. :-)

    Thank you so much for opening up your heart in this post, Nikky! Take care and God bless... *hugs* <3 :-)

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    1. Hi Irene, Yes, it's exactly a work-in-progress. I can feel all the progress I made since I started this Blog. I have down days and stressful days, but all in all, I feel so much better. Thank you very much for listening and replying. Much love to you <3

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  33. I was just reading something somewhere about ?Chinese? bowls, how when they crack, they fill the cracks with gold, to highlight the beauty of said cracks.

    Yes, you're flawed, you make mistakes, your writing isn't always brilliant (welcome to the club, there), but your soul, right THERE, behind your eyes, is precious and perfect.

    If you can, pick up You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, some great affirmations and exercises there to connect with that beautiful soul.

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  34. I read that example on a Blog two days ago, but I also can't remember which one :)
    Thank you for your reply and I will certainly try to find the book. I will let you know once I read it!

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  35. Nikky,
    You are feeling what so many of us feel. And at night it feels so much worse, doesn't it? I spent many nights awake worrying about my kids and writing about it. It's what became my books and my blog. We are all filled with imperfections and that's what makes us perfect in some way. I'm glad we've found each other through blogging and look forward to reading through your blog!
    Betsy

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    1. Hi Betsy,
      Nights are hard, and sometimes days are very hard, but as long as we have friends who care, everything becomes easier.
      Thank you for your visit and the nice comment!!
      Love,
      Nikky

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  36. Hi Nikky,

    What a heartfelt post. I love this line - "Above all, I need MY OWN love, respect and acceptance. Is that too much to ask?" Don't we all and I know for me it takes daily thought and reminders to love and respect myself. That is the first step toward loving others. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you very much Cathy for stopping by :)

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  37. I think it's great that you're able to use your writing as an outlet. I hope one day you can learn to love yourself.

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    1. I am starting to do so!! Thank you date Girl :)

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  38. Self love. It's the hardest! In my opinion... Even though I am at a great place in my life, anxieties sometimes trouble my mind. Self doubt and fear are very real and very discouraging. I have gotten better at training my brain to focus on the positive. I learned that I had to fall in love with myself, before I could truly love others. Psalms is a great encouragement to me, as well as choosing to be around people that I know really love and want the best for me and doing activities that make me feel happy & whole! ... Writing is a great healing tool! I agree. God Bless you!

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    1. Thank you so much!!I am also trying to look for the positive of my fear. I mean trying to use my fear in order to progress and improve rather than let it depress me. Thank you for your continuous support.

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  39. Nikky - I blog because it helps me to work through things. The blogging community is so close and supportive. Write....don't delete and you will find so much support and love.

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    1. You're right Sandy!! The support I am getting on this Blog is more than I even had in all my life

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  40. Dear beautiful, loving and loved Nikky,

    YOur words are powerful -- and your questions -- and thoughts on why you deleted your writings are incredibly insightful.

    And it is true -- our greatest strengths can become our greatest weakness. It is only when we love ourselves, both sides of the coin, dark and light, shiny and dull, beauty and the beast, that we walk in the grace of balance and love.

    Your journey is an incredible testament to your courage and heart. And your willingness to explore who you are, and where you are, is inspiring.

    Thank you for leaving the link to your post for me. I so appreciate your presence in my world and being here.

    Self-doubt is just the critter inside feeling scared you are shining too brightly (they think if we shine too brightly we'll get hurt) Love the critter. Tell him you're safe and shine!!!!!

    You are brilliant in your light.

    And breathe... this too shall pass.

    Hugs and love,

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    1. Thank you thank you thank you so much Louise|!!!
      Your words touch me. I am trying, I know I am doing the best I can. I want to know what is right and do what is right.

      Much love to you !!!

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  41. My sweet Nicole you are one of the strongest women i know. I dont mean physically but mentally and even emotionally. There are but probably not more than a hand full of people such as yourself. You are unique One of a kind. You teach us all to appreciate what we have and to accept what we dont/ To make the best of a bad situation and with such grace and humbleness. You picked me up when I was way down there and because of you I am so much better and in such a much better place. You are so loved by so many people. most of them whom you met as strangers and have become friends. No matter how bad things are for you, you still manage to be there for others. I don't understand why you are in the position you are but I am sure God has put you there for a very good reason. I think though it is now about time that you are the one who should be happy be in a good place. You should not have to suffer as you do. It is going to happen I know it then we can sit on the porch watching the sun set and just chilling out. relaxing.
    love you always. Thank you for being you.

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    1. You always send me such BEAUTIFUL replies Zee!!!
      I still have the dream too. Don't forget the animals around, and the knitting!!!
      Love you so much <3

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  42. You are such a beautiful person Nikki. You deserve love and respect and I know our Heavenly Father smiles every time He thinks of you....which is every moment :).

    This may sound silly but I've started sending myself a few e-cards with Dayspring....mainly for important days that others wouldn't think about.....like the anniversary of my Dad's death....yep I sent myself a card for then. Anywho, it goes along with the whole loving yourself thing. You can't truly love others if you don't have a healthy self love (key word healthy). Maybe you could send cards of encouragement to the little girl inside...do it ahead of time so you'll be surprised when you get them. Treat yourself whenever you can.......even if it's just simple....like a candy bar at the park...a candlelit bubble bath with music. I'm learning that it's best not to wait for others to treat me well......sometimes I just need to treat myself. I grew up with low self esteem but over the years I've learned that I can't love others like I love myself if I don't even love myself. Mom always says you have to be your best friend....she had a very broken childhood too like you & eventually by God's grace she found that inner strength. I'm so glad you are on that path...learning how precious you are and that you do DESERVE love :) ((hugs))

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    1. Thank you very much Amber for your sweet words and encouragement!! Love you my friend!

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  43. Missed this last week somehow, Nikky. But I am glad you got such an outpouring of loving comments. Just want to say what an admirable, courageous, creative and loving person you are. Just by introducing your world and sharing your struggles, you change us and make us think and feel. Your ability to endure such pain and stay positive is an example of great love to all of us who read your blog. You deserve your own love, though I know it's often the hardest thing to give yourself.

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    1. I'm sorry Lisa that I just noticed now that I didn't reply to your comment in here. You always have encouraging words for me. Thank you for understanding. You're right, i know a lot of pain, but I will make it. Much love <3

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  44. Hola! I've been following your site for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Kingwood Texas! Just wanted to tell you keep up the good job!
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