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Monday, September 10, 2012

"Playing The Game"

More than three weeks ago, my Heart-Sister Pat wrote a guest post for my Blog. Things were not going well, and I was waiting to feel better before I can come back to this blog and publish her post.
The situation didn't get any better yet, but I know it will at the right time. 
I am so blessed to have the support of a great family in Canada as well as the support of amazing friends helping me cope day after day.

Pat has created her own Blog Pat's Perambulations, which is divided in 7 chapters:

  1. Channeled and Inspired writings
  2. Living in dementia
  3. General Stories
  4. The 10-years cruise
  5. Colloquial Verse
  6. spiritual teachings
  7. General Verse

Thank you Pat for updating my friends on the blog of the actual situation. Love you <3


I live in England, where we have a reputation for "Playing The Game".

This means that, however bad things get in our lives, we are expected to laugh and carry on without giving in to the pressures and stresses ... this, of course, doesn't happen in real life, much, but we still like to pretend that, on the surface, all is good.

In one particular country, in the Middle Eastern area, there is a similar situation ... it's all about appearances and acting the part ... to the degree whereby, even a life of SHEER HELL must be smiled through and ignored as if all is wonderful. Black eyes and even stitches must be hidden and lied about or the poor woman is not 'playing the game'.

You see, in that area of our world, in the country I am thinking of, a woman is property ... she BELONGS to her man and is his to do with as he wishes. Her job is to bear his children and jump to his every whim, even to the extent of rising out of her sickbed to fetch him a glass of water if he demands it. There are men over there who have never opened a drawer or a cupboard to get a pair of socks or a shirt out; who have never entered the kitchen to get a snack. They don't need to ... they have a wife to do things like that.

The husband has the power to abuse his wife in any way he chooses ... by law he can break her major bones if he wants to. I suspect that, should he succeed in killing her, he may well, if he is skilled at telling tales, get away with murder. If she were to escape this life of hell, he only has to turn to the Police and they would search diligently, returning his property to him as soon as they found her. Oh, and by the way ... the children are his property, too. So, should she manage to escape AND take her children WITH her, then she is a robber and a thief, a kidnapper, a criminal of the highest degree.

One wife has just escaped, fled half way round the world ... AND taken her children with her ... HOORAY ... but, my friends, this is not the end of the story, not by a long chalk :

After she has successfully escaped, her name is vilified, even by her nearest and dearest BLOOD relatives. Hands are held up in horror by these people who have helped her conceal her broken bones, bruises and stitches ... who have turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to her situation all these years. He can even grab these in-laws of his and threaten to kill them in order to get her to return and the horror of it is, as this is happening, with both the husband AND her father yelling at her down the phone, while the husband is forcing her father up, over the balcony railing, her father accepts this as perfectly normal and acceptable behavior, well within his son in law's legal rights.

As it turns out, the father is still with us ... telling his daughter that she MUST return to her much-abused husband ... rationalising that the man has the perfect right to go around her family, wreaking whatever havoc he chooses in just retribution. The father believes his son in law has the perfect right to kill them all ... ... ... AND to get away with it.

She is now on the receiving end of phone calls from her sister and father, badgering her and also verbally abusing her. Added to that, the children are in receipt of calls from their father, telling them how much he loves them, how he cannot live without them, etc. The relations believe her husband's stories of her lies and duplicity, (they have watched her being beaten for years and just accuse her of being a bad wife) ... They uphold his claims to love his wife, who is obviously, he argues, mentally ill ... saying he cannot live without her, etc etc etc. However, her biggest crime is that of theft: she has not only stolen herself away from her abuser, her captor, her jailer ... she has stolen, kidnapped, his children ... the beings who were also becoming targets for his mental and physical abuse as they approached and entered their teens.

Why does she not get new phone numbers, one asks? Why not totally break all contact?

Because, my friends, she has escaped to join many family members already living in this other country. Family is important to her. Westernised family are more understanding (to a certain extent) of the rights of women.

However, I wonder at their inbuilt gut reactions to all this ... how thin is the veneer of Western values which overlays the indoctrination of childhood and youth? One hopes that it is strong ... that the aunts, uncles and cousins all continue to make her welcome and that the caring sister who has given her refuge WILL remain strong ... will continue to say, with feeling, as she did only last night :

"I will NOT let you go back"


  1. Replies
    1. Many thanks for your response, Dr Hamilton ... your words and understanding are much appreciated. With respect, Pat.

  2. My prayers are with you and your children, Nikky. Praying for peace. Praying for your safety. Praying love to you.

    1. Prayers are always welcome, Tina ... and are very much appreciated. With respect, Pat.

  3. Think of you so often my friend, you have done right especially for your children, do not let others influence your decision especially close family, your children are worth more than any of them and so are you, I would die for mine and I know you would yours, stick to your decision Nic and know in the future your children are yourself are saferxxx

    1. Thank you so very much, CLoudyRainGuy, for your welcome endorsement of Nikky's actions. With respect, Pat.

  4. Thank you Pat for being there for Nkky when she needed it most. I for one will have her in my heart and prayers forever!

    1. Stanley ... your support is appreciated. Prayer is a most powerful tool. With respect, Pat.

  5. (I hit publish before I was finished) I know you will too!

    1. Love is also an efficacious tool. With respect. Pat.

  6. Blessings to you Nicky. So nice that people like Pat exist.

    1. The joy of finding a true soulmate is great, Myrna. Nicky and I consider ourselves blessed to have met. Your response is appreciated. With respect, Pat.

  7. take care Nikky.... It is really touching to see people like Pat be there when we need them the most!

    May her tribe increase - Amen!

    1. I sincerely hope you are speaking spiritually, "Me", and not physically ... I think that, at the age of 62, the last thing I would need is more children, LOL. I was able to be here almost 24/7 when Nikky needed that sort of help, and I was glad to be able to lend her my ear and my shoulder when she had need of them.
      Thanking you for your response. With respect, Pat.

    2. :)

      Yes very much spiritually!!

      I am sure we all need more people like you who can lend a patient ear and a strong shoulder to rely on when we want the most as nothing can match these in times of trouble.

      Take care.. sending my best wishes and prayers.

  8. Replies
    1. Now then, Jodi ... straight to the most important part of my post with no nonsense, which is exactly what I expected of you, my friend .........
      "Thank you Carole!"
      And thank YOU, Jodi, for all YOUR help, too.
      With respect, Pat.

  9. Praying for you, dear Nikky, and for your precious children. I thank Pat for her voice and update. Now, I know more specifically how to pray.
    May God continue to surround you with comfort and protection, my friend, and bless you with all the support you need.

    1. Martha ... Many thanks for this response ... yes, God has ALL in his hands and very well under His control ... but the more energy we can direct to Him in the form of prayer, the better it will be for Nikky. I know that your support is most welcome. With respect, Pat.

  10. Very sad, I hope she can be strong and not go back to that situation! I wish her the best of luck and I hope that she feels the warm and caring love from her family.

    1. Hello, Sea Green Natural ...
      Yes, as we all know, who have personally walked this road, the hardest part is resisting the tears, promises and bunches of flowers ... which evaporate the instant one has been foolish enough to believe, hope and return.
      Fortunately, Nikky is half a world away, which eases the pressure somewhat.
      Many thanks for your welcome response.
      With respect, Pat.

  11. Nikky be strong. Try and become financially more strong. That helps. I speak from experience. God bless you and your sister who is standing by you. And thank you Pat for sharing Nikky's story. I knew she had left but didnt know she is still going through this hell even though so far away

    1. Thank you, Rimly, for your strong vote of confidence ... Nicole truly appreciates everyone's input.
      It's a while since I wrote this post and she is now busy dealing with officialdom ... forms galore and appointments etc.
      With respect to you, Pat.

  12. As someone who was in a violent relationship (more than 30 years ago now -- wow), I found that leaving didn't solve the problem. I had a lot of internal programming to rewire, too, and it took a long time. The good news, Nikky, is that you can heal. You have saved your life and the lives of your children, and now they have the chance to break the cycle. You have been brave and strong. Hang in there!

    Pat, thanks for a revealing, in-depth post on the cultural aspects that need to be dealt with.

    1. Hello, Nadine ...
      Nikky is there, now, dear ... struggling with the internal programming and the rewiring. She takes comfort from the fact that she has so many truly caring friends around the world.
      With gratitude for your response.
      Respectfully, Pat.

  13. What a gut-wrenching story. I felt it down in my bones. Thank you for sharing this. We all need to know what is happening to women all over the world.

    1. Much appreciation for your response, Brenda ...
      Nikky is grateful for all her sincere friends. She will be survive and triumph ... the hardest part was getting out and away from that country and it took a very long time to plan.
      With respect. Pat.

  14. What a sad story and I am honestly lost for words. May God bless you and keep you safe. I will be keeping you and your loved ones in my prayers.

    1. Dear Nelieta ...
      Prayer is the most effective tool available to us humans ... many thanks, on behalf of Nikky.
      With respect, Pat.


  15. "I will NOT let you go back"

    My Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaavorite Line.

    Love to you, Nikky. Xxxxxxxx

    1. On behalf of Nikky, many thanks, 'My Inner Chick' for this heart-felt response.
      Respectfully, Pat.

  16. Nikky, I've been away but now I'm back! I'm so sorry for my absence but being in a remote beach area with a lack of Internet didn't make for blog reading or posting. As a result, I posted very sparingly this summer and am still playing catch up reading my favorite blogs. This post is eye opening to say the least. I'm with Kim, "I will not let you go back" is a powerful and self explanatory line. Pat provides an insightful look at how women are abused today and how the cultural aspect serves to make matters hard to understand to Westerners. I hope you are doing well, along with your children. Hang in there, Nikky! :)

    1. Hello, Bella ... you make me envious ... a whole summer with the sound of the waves ... wow.
      Nikky is very firmly 'hanging in there', bless her ... and she appreciates your good wishes.
      The three kids, meanwhile, appear to be settling in their new schools.
      With thanks for your response and with respect, Pat.

  17. Happens to so many people I know and mostly it IS the women who suffer and undergo the most in all circumstances. Thanks for raising this point so well in the post.

    And hope you are feeling better now Nikky. Remember, tough times never last, only tough people do. So, gather up all your courage and know that this is a passing phase before everything becomes alright. :)

  18. The trouble with tough times, Harleena, is that the time itself seems to be never ending as one is struggling to live through it ... it is only when one has emerged from the other end of the trouble that one can look backwards and realise that you have actually survived and triumphed.
    We all wish Nikky well on her journey into a safer future.
    With thanks for your comments, Harleena.
    Respectfully, Pat.

  19. Pat, thank you for this update on Nikky. I hope she is doing okay, hanging in there, coping with the forms and all the changes. I hope she knows what a gift she has given her children and how much she means to us all. Nikky, I am so proud of you, you deserve to be far from his violence, far from him. Your children deserve what you have done for them, the freedom and safety. I know he continues to make it hard for you. I wish you strength, courage and continued hope. <3

  20. Oh, I'm so glad for this update, but I hate the situation. Don't go back.

  21. Nikky, as a new friend, I am praying hard for you. Thank you for posting this Pat. What an awful situation. I know the Lord can triumph over it. Stay strong Nikky. Though it seems hopeless now, you are not alone. You have friends and family beside you, but even more than that, you have the Lord. When David was in the desert being chased by a king and an entire army, his life seemed equally hopeless. He wrote this psalm then. It could have been written by you:

    Psalm 55
    New International Version (NIV)

    For the director of music. With stringed instruments. A maskil[b] of David.

    1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
    do not ignore my plea;
    2 hear me and answer me.
    My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
    3 because of what my enemy is saying,
    because of the threats of the wicked;
    for they bring down suffering on me
    and assail me in their anger.
    4 My heart is in anguish within me;
    the terrors of death have fallen on me.
    5 Fear and trembling have beset me;
    horror has overwhelmed me.
    6 I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
    I would fly away and be at rest.
    7 I would flee far away
    and stay in the desert;
    8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
    far from the tempest and storm.”
    9 Lord, confuse the wicked, confound their words,
    for I see violence and strife in the city.
    10 Day and night they prowl about on its walls;
    malice and abuse are within it.
    11 Destructive forces are at work in the city;
    threats and lies never leave its streets.
    12 If an enemy were insulting me,
    I could endure it;
    if a foe were rising against me,
    I could hide.
    13 But it is you, a man like myself,
    my companion, my close friend,
    14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
    at the house of God,
    as we walked about
    among the worshipers.
    15 Let death take my enemies by surprise;
    let them go down alive to the realm of the dead,
    for evil finds lodging among them.
    16 As for me, I call to God,
    and the Lord saves me.
    17 Evening, morning and noon
    I cry out in distress,
    and he hears my voice.
    18 He rescues me unharmed
    from the battle waged against me,
    even though many oppose me.
    19 God, who is enthroned from of old,
    who does not change—
    he will hear them and humble them,
    because they have no fear of God.
    20 My companion attacks his friends;
    he violates his covenant.
    21 His talk is smooth as butter,
    yet war is in his heart;
    his words are more soothing than oil,
    yet they are drawn swords.
    22 Cast your cares on the Lord
    and he will sustain you;
    he will never let
    the righteous be shaken.
    23 But you, God, will bring down the wicked
    into the pit of decay;
    the bloodthirsty and deceitful
    will not live out half their days.
    But as for me, I trust in you.

    1. Very well explained Pat! Nikki you are POWERFUL, you are STRONG, you can LIVE your desired LIFE! I'm so proud of you for doing what you know to be right in your heart. All good things are coming to you, just follow your heart and listen to your intuition. Good times are ahead.

      Love, Linda

  22. Nikki, I am so glad you and your children are safe. I pray you will never have to go back. You are so strong! My prayers are with you, beautiful friend. Love, Amber

  23. I understood a bit of the story but what I know has much to do with religion, culture and beliefs. It's pretty appalling that some 'cultures' would really go as far as what you have recounted... It scares me and at the same time I thank God that we could breathe in my country.

    I pray for you. We need a strong voice that would speak the truth. You are so courageous to have put this out in the open.

    Lots of love!


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