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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

If I blink, I will be punished



I think I have reached during the last two days, the lowest point I ever been to. It is easy to think and pretend that his words are no longer hurting me, but how true is that? Are there no limits to what someone can handle?
The verbal abuse, the emotional torture, the physical inflicted pain, how can my strength prevent me from feeling them going deep, so deep in my heart and just put me on my knees and wish for the end?


I have ruined his life. I followed him like a virus till I took control over him with my stupid ruse. I cried on his shoulder about being abused from such a young age. I made him believe my lies. I fooled him over 23 long years making him look stupid. I made myself a victim of my family and society, and he was so good, so pure, so kind that he believed me. I made him think I have opened up to him to awaken his pity and love and as a professional liar I created proofs for what I was telling .....
He tells me in front of the kids, he swears on the kids' lives, next time he needs to beat me, he won't stop until I die (with my ten year old sitting as close to my side as she can to protect me, my son on the floor at my feet, creating a barrier and my eldest shouting at him to STOP), he reminds me that he broke my laptop over my head (causing me damage which I still suffer from one year later) He shouts that he has every intention of using my old computer, next time ... and he will kill me and it will all be my own fault ... he swears on the kids' lives that this will be so.
I can go on and repeat  the things I listen to everyday, but what for? Why Bother?


When I look back at the many events of the past that have certainly caused a big damage in me, and I try to think of them, write about them, I know that it is over. I know that they were just lessons I needed to go through in order to learn and become a better person. I have no regrets. I have no hatred. I don't even feel the pain that was inflicted to me in the past. The pain I feel is related to now, to today, to this very moment, now. What hurts is the impact of that trauma on my life now and his use of it in the present.

In my previous post, I was telling you about some of that sexual abuse, and I said that I forgave. I did forgive, telling about it does not hurt anymore. In fact I don't need to tell about it. I don't feel I have to, as it really belongs to the past, but what is hurting me is the "use" which he makes of that past. What is hurting me is how the truth has been changed into a completely new story where I become the aggressor.

"I saved your honor by marrying you. You're just a whore who was active when other girls were still playing with their dolls. I bet you miss him, or miss them. Are they all better than me? who was the best among them? Go to them. Go and have fun with them, you certainly feel like it. You want it because it's in you. They are in you. I saved your honor. How stupid was I? You're just a useless whore. I never loved you but I felt pity. I had pity for you. You are stealing my money. You are hiding your truth by giving the image of the good spouse"

I don't know how to define the way I am feeling. I have no words for that. i don't know what kind of help I can ask for. I know that I am empty, lost and confused. In the worst moment yesterday and as I was unable to even talk about what happened, I spent many hours of "silence" online with my friend. I felt her presence, she at her laptop, sending love to me. I wasn't alone. I knew it helped, because, when I started to feel the physical pain. I was back to life.


I started by saying I have reached the lowest point I ever been to. For those who have known me long enough, you might think 'it's not possible since you're still here whereas in the past you gave up'. Yes, I am still here and I will stay. In the past I was alone. Today your love, all of you, is carrying me away from the pain.



90 comments:

  1. Patricia EastwoodMay 16, 2012 at 5:31 AM

    Nicole ... The picture you paint here is both vivid and eloquent.
    You will lead so many of us back down the path of our personal histories as we read this post.
    Maybe, even, you will show someone that they do not walk this path alone, today.
    I love you, and I am here for you.
    Pat <3

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    1. Pat, thank you. I know you understand. I'm also so grateful for all you are doing to me. You share with me the moment. You know my needs and respect them. I love you <3

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    2. I am sorry I have not made many comments recently. I often do not know what to say to make things any better. I wish I was nearer. I wish he would just leave and let you and your children live a happier life. Je t'aime mon amie. xxx

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    3. Thank you for visiting and commenting. It is always appreciated. Je t'aime aussi <3

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    4. Hey Nikky, did you leave him yet? Your story sounds like you're still with him. How will that ever move anyone or help anyone? I'm 24 and I have been through it all. From seeing my father shoot my mother when I was a child to being in front of a gun by the person I married

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    5. Hello Yesika, Thank you for reaching out. It's funny but I've been thinking of my blog a lot lately and haven't had the courage to open it. Your comment on here today made me get to it. I have left my husband 4 years ago, one year after writing this post. It wasn't easy at all and it is still not easy but we will make it one day at a time. I'm so sorry you have witnessed and lived abuse at your young age too. It's such an awful thing to deal with. don't hesitate to write me if I can be of any help. Much love. Nikky

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    6. Thank you for replying Nikky, I just left my abusive partner one month ago on the 14th of November and took the kids with me. I am having lots of trouble dealing with this specialy since is hard for me to cry, or share my thoughts with anyone. My family uses the I told you so and that does not help. If you don't mind sharing your experience after leaving him I could sure use some positive feedback about what I have done

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    7. You aren't there after all

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    8. I am. I would prefer to send you an email instead of writing on here. You can write to me on nicoleican@hotmail.com. Thank you.

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  2. You are still here and we see you! His view is so clouded with dark, miserable clouds. I know part of you believes the things he says, but that is getting smaller and the you know is getting larger and more powerful. We will find a way.

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    1. Love you <3
      Thank you Jodi for everything.
      You are right. I do believe some of what he says, not the facts as he tells them, but his interpretation of it. I can understand what makes him think the way he does.

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  3. Nikky, my heart aches for you. No one should have to endure the abuse you are suffering. And, what damage is he doing to the children by acting in this way? None of this is good in the least.
    Know I will pray for you and your situation. Know you are loved. Take heart. Take courage.

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    1. Thank you very much Martha!! The children are pretty damaged I think, and that is what makes me feel guilty the most. I will do my best to save them. God will Help I know. Love you

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  4. Nikky, I wish I could give you a hug. Know that you do have people here for you. We hear you, and our hearts go out to you.

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    1. Thank you Kelly. The love and appreciation you are giving me makes my heart smile :)

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  5. Nikky, how I wish I could help, be there, just take you in my arms. Nikky you know that all this is wrong, you should not believe one second the things he says. Because you are stronger than every blame and every harsh words. You are standing there and I know you will never give up. And as long as you live you'll be in our thoughts, prayers and hearts.
    Sending my love to you. xx

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    1. Thank you so much Marie. Sometimes, I feel so bad that just the thought of being alone, not having anyone who could at least give me a hug when I'm in so much pain makes me more desperate, then I come in here and read all your loving words and thoughts. Thank you <3

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  6. Nikky he can't win when he is sorely outnumbered by all the people here who believe in you and your truth. Praying for you with love...May you be empowered to do what is necessary to move out of this situation.

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    1. Thank you very much Corinne. The power of love coming from all of you is my strength.

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  7. Nikky...reading this post gives me goosebumps. Wish I could hug you right now and tell you that I am there....Please don't let such losers ruin your thoughts. You know that it was the truth at all. You know what you have been throughout and nobody but you can judge yourself completely... It needs courage to stand up for yourself and I know you are doing just that.

    Please take care...

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    1. Thank you very much for being there for me. I just need to close my eyes and think of you all to feel the hug and the love you are showing <3. Thank you <3

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  8. Have you ever read Kim Robinsons' blog?
    Here is the link...
    http://myinnerchick.com/

    Please read her letters to her sister. I worry about you and what you are going through. I wish I was there to give you all the love that you're not getting.
    You are a beautiful soul and none of this is any of your fault. Somewhere along the line, you started to believe what people were telling you.
    xoxo

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    1. Thank you very much Kimberly. I have read all Kim's posts and have talked to her many times. She is a great support for me. Thank you so much for your love and concern. This means a lot to me. Love you <3

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  9. Hugging you dear ....you have been strong. Just remain so.

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  10. I worry about you and the children so much my dear. You need to get out of this situation....NOW!

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    1. Hopefully Sandy, I will write a post soon, telling you all i am out of the country, safe with my kids! Thank you <3

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  11. NIkky, I cannot and never will feel the depth of pain you have endured. I want you to know that I am always here and near. You are in my prayers always. I think he sees what he wants to see which is a very distorted view of reality. Don't make your reality that distorted about yourself! You are a beautiful, strong and deeply caring person who deserves all the Love in the world! <3 <3 <3

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    1. Don't let anyone know this little secret :)
      I KNOW that you're always here, and I love you too <3

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  12. Nikky,
    I discovered your site from Gems of Delight. What incredible courage you have...that you even in the great depths of pain and despair have found a way to SURVIVE and LIVE. And now you grace our lives with your story. But that there is the gift...our stories have the power to change, and as they do, we can change and grow stronger and love ourselves more deeply...I see this in you. But sometimes no matter how much we feel strength, we also can feel grief. Grief is a very powerful force, and it can consume us and overcome us very unexpectedly, and very intensely. Grief about where we've been, what's happened, not knowing ourselves enough, etc. I know this too in life. So in this deepest place of despair know that you have prayers and love surrounding you---asking for whatever you need to be given...at this moment that you recieve. And to be ever gentle with beautiful, wonderful, amazing You. Blessings, Bella Bleue

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    1. Thank you SO MUCH Bella Bleue!!!! Thank you for visiting my Blog and for your very loving comment. You gave me a smile and tears of Love :)
      Your love and prayers make me stronger. Thank you from all my heart. Much love to you <3

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  13. Nikky, My heart hurts for you. Please do not believe him. You have a family of people out here who believe you and care for you and are here for you. I wish I could do more. I wish I could grab you and your children and take you out of that situation. I support you in spirit and in my prayers and in my heart, dear Nikky. Your writing is raw and beautiful, and I believe you are helping others.

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    1. Thank you Tina!! You remember you wrote me once in a comment, that you wish I was closer, you would give me a hug? I'm waiting for that hug, and we'll make it happen!! Your love and prayers will help me out. I know that <3

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    2. Nikky, I am afraid for you as your other readers are. I am afraid that he will hurt you. He has said that he will and will kill you, and you must believe that part of what he says. Please find a way to leave. Please get away from him. <3

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    3. I will leave Tina, whatever is the price to pay. I will leave even though I feel my children won't understand and will hate me. I don't know how, but I will leave.

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  14. Hey Nikky, know that you are in my daily prayers and meditations, and so are your children. Please, take what this man says seriously, value yourself, your life and your children's well-being, and find a way to move yourself to safety. There can be no happy ending here. Love and light, Nicole xx

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    1. Thank you Nicole. You are so right. In facts, he IS serious in his threats. I know him too well to believe him. I saw him shooting on a taxi driver,just because that car dared pass in front of him! We will soon be free. I don't know how, but we will. Love you <3

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  15. Nikky....I GET IT..... please know you are NEVER alone......As always...XOXOXOXO

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    1. Much Love to you Bongo! Thank you <3 <3 <3

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  16. Nikky, please know that whatever happened in your past is NOT your fault. Do not believe what this man tells you.

    My heart aches as I read your post, Nikky. Sending you hugs, love, and prayers. <3 <3 <3

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    1. Thank you very much Irene. Your words mean a lot to me. Much love <3

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  17. I don't know what to say, Nikki, except that my heart goes out tp you and a wish that his heart will soften. I am no angel. I was really angry with my wife when our marraige was breaking up and she was blaming me, which, in retrospect, wasn't far off the mark/. This is much worse. Can you leave for a while till the heat dies down?

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    1. Thank you John for your reply. If I manage to leave, it will be for good, with no coming back. He will not soften. He won't change. That's him!!!

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  18. Nikky, I don't have to tell you that this is a horrible situation to be in...not only for you, but for your children. What they are learning from all of this will be imprinted in their minds forever. I wish so much that there was a way for you to escape this relationship, to move away, for both you and your children's sake and safety. I will keep you in my prayers _/\_

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    1. Patricia EastwoodMay 17, 2012 at 7:54 AM

      Joshua ... Pat here ... Nikky's son told her the other day that when dad was hitting her, he was merely demonstrating his love for her ...
      ...
      ...
      And so, the sins of the fathers are visited on to the next generation

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    2. Thank you Joshua. It is horrible, for the kids and for myself. Sometimes after a day where he is calm, I start doubting myself and wondering if I am not exaggerating, and that is why writing on this Blog is very helpful, because it reminds me of the pain i am living. Its a written proof that its not all ion my mind.

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    3. I realize Pat how bad is it that my children think it's OK, how terrible :(

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  19. Dear Nikky, all I can think is that you need to be out of this situation. This is no way to live, and like every other reader I'm concerned for you and your children. Your life could be so different, so much better and full of things that bring you joy and peace instead of fear and suffering. The sooner you can leave this behind the better, because every moment of life is precious and there is a good and happy life waiting for you ahead.

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    1. Thank you very much for your comment. I want to get out more than ever. I have thought of it a lot in the past, but I know that deep down inside, I wasn't convinced and I was still hoping to find in him the person I fell in love with. Now it's different. Now i see the impact of the children and I have the responsibility to save them. I will. Thank you <3

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    2. It must be extremely difficult to make that decision, all the same. {{{hugs to you}}}

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  20. ~~~~Nikki,
    Sending you hugs and love and support does absolute SHIT!

    I want you OUT of that house. I want you out, out, out.

    Tell me what I can do from here. What can you do from there?
    You must leave, or there he will take your soul, too.

    Tell me what to do.

    Love you.

    I will send this blog to the directer here in Duluth.

    Xxxxx Kim

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    1. I love you too Kim. I hope and pray too that I will be out soon. If I manage to leave, I will come and walk with you next year. Thank you for all you are doing. Thank you for your help and love. Thinking of you <3

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  21. Nikki, not all things verbal abusers say are lies - he is threatening to hurt you, to kill you. That is a god-honest fact. The rest of the crap, the stuff in the past, that is his twisted version of the truth. But when he speaks of the future - of what he considers doing to you...TRUTH.

    Just as he's rehearsed in his mind how YOU feel, what YOU do, what YOU did (so he can tell you what you're thinking, feeling, and doing!) HE HAS ALSO REHEARSED THE FUTURE HE PLANS FOR YOU IN HIS HEAD.

    Get out of there, sweet girl.

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    1. Thank you Kellie. Thank you also for giving me the link for safety plan. I never saw anything like that and never did plan anything, so I will work on it as I can see how useful it can be.
      I know that his threats are real. Your posts on healthy place are such a great help to me. I can see that You understand how I feel and even the use of his words, their impact everything. Thank you so much.

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    2. Patricia EastwoodMay 17, 2012 at 4:24 PM

      Kellie ... I am Nicole's friend, Patricia Eastwood, and I am founder of the Facebook page, Hold my Hand. Here is an article I posted on that page in January, this year ....

      I found this ... and I have added a few notes ... on this planet, in 2012 ... slavery still exists ... a woman can STILL be a chattel, subject to the madness of a dangerous husband
      Patricia Eastwood


      BEIRUT - Lebanese women may be known as the Arab world's most
      liberal but they are by no means the region's most liberated considering antiquated laws that reduce them to second-class citizens. "The law in this country still considers a woman as being inferior," complained sociologist Rafif Sidaoui.From domestic violence to rape to adultery, the rights of women often fall by the wayside in this multi-confessional sectarian society, nonetheless deemed avant-garde in the mostly conservative Middle East."One of the absurd laws on the books allows a rapist to be exempt from prison if he marries his victim," said Ezzat Mroue, vice-president of the Women's Rights Committee (WRC).

      "A few years ago, there was a major scandal when a young man, who was after his cousin, kidnapped her from her university," she added."He raped her and then brought her before a sheikh who married them. "The result was that he was not guilty in the eyes of the law," Mroue said.And although so-called "honour crimes" are not widespread in Lebanon, as in some other Arab countries, every year a number of women are killed by male relatives under the pretext of defending the family honour.Under the law, the murderer can benefit from "mitigating circumstances".But "murder is murder and you cannot apply different penalties" depending on gender, insisted Mroue.

      She said when it comes to adultery, the picture is not brighter.A woman can be sentenced to two years in prison if a third party accuses her of cheating on her husband, whereas a man has to be caught red-handed before being hauled to court.

      If a man admits to adultery but apologises, he is usually pardoned. The same does not apply to a woman.As far as domestic violence, the law offers no protection to women"If a woman in Lebanon is beaten or humiliated at home, there is nothing she can legally do about it," said Sidaoui."The husband has to break her neck, arm or leg, for her to be able to claim injury or damage, as you would for any car accident," said the sociologist.…….. (Note from Pat : he must break her major bones THREE times in six months before this can be considered more than an accident) …….

      Many women who do turn to the police become the object of ridicule by officers who pat them on the cheek and suggest they deal with their problems "at home".

      Sidaoui said that one of the main problems in changing the status quo is the lack of legislation to protect women's rights and the fact that religion permeates most aspects of life in Lebanon, including marriage and divorce.For example, there is no civil marriage in Lebanon, although the government recognises such a union as long as it is celebrated outside the country.

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    3. Patricia EastwoodMay 17, 2012 at 4:26 PM

      Part two ...

      A woman also cannot transfer citizenship to her husband if he is foreign or to children born of such a union.And in the event of divorce, a Lebanese man automatically gets custody of the children."For the religious and political communities determined to hang on to their prerogatives, this issue is a red line not to be crossed," Sidaoui said.Labour laws are another issue that rights groups have been battling to change.A married Lebanese man who works receives tax exemptions whereas a married woman does not.

      A man with children is also given a family allowance by the state whereas a woman can only receive it if she is widowed or if her husband is handicapped."If these laws are not changed, they will perpetuate this mentality through generations and a woman will always be considered inferior to a man, whatever her social status," Sidaoui said.

      …. (Another note by Pat : many Lebanese are Catholic, not Arabic … but they, too, are also ‘property’, according to the laws of this prehistoric land. There does not appear to be much help for these poor women and their children.)

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  22. Is there a women's shelter in your area that you can get to? Anyone you can call? Every day that you stay puts you and your children in more danger. GET OUT OF THERE.

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    1. I am trying Nadine. I really tried so many possibilities. i talked to my family, no help, to his family, no help, to the Church, nothing there. I'm trying. I hope I can be out soon.

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  23. Nikky, your post inspired a blog post of my own. I wrote about you on healthyplace.com in the Verbal Abuse In Relationships blog. I'm asking readers to offer their support to you there and here, on your blog. You are not alone. I am praying for you and your children.

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    1. I was just replying now to your comment. Thank you so much Kellie. You have no idea how important the responses i am having, are helping. It is all I have, it's the only thing that keeps me breathing or give me strength to deal with everything. Thank you so much.

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  24. Nicole, reading about you today brings back those days of abuse and pain that I went through. I feel like I was reading my own story. I know what you are going through and I hope someday you have the courage to stop this or walk away from it. Having three children is not easy, so many things to worry about. It took me ten long years to get out and that too with only one son. But I know when the time comes you will find the strength. You are already strong today by being able to talk about it and reach out to people all across the globe. We are all there for you sweetheart. Take care and god bless you and keep your children safe

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    1. I'm so sorry Rimly you have been through the same.I know many persons suffered or are now suffering from abuse, but that doesn't make it right. It helps me so much to get the understanding and support on here because i don't get it from anywhere else. It took me a lot of courage few months ago to tell my husband's sister how he is treating me. I did because she was talking about a friend of her who is being abused and she was expressing her concern. I thought she might understand and help, so I told her. she just replied: that is sad...

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  25. Nikky. I don't have words to express what I'm feeling. I'm surprised he hasn't interfered with your blog too. I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I can't even imagine. As always, my heart is with you. I hope you find a way out very soon.

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    1. Patricia EastwodMay 17, 2012 at 4:29 PM

      Fortunately, Myrna, he doesn't understand English ... Pat.

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    2. Thank you Myrna <3
      Two days ago, I was starting to worry about My Blog. You know, it's not protected by a password like Facebook, and it's in the history of the computer that we all use at home. True, he doesn't know English well, but seeing the photos would catch his attention and make him want to understand more. I do worry about that, because when he sees me writing, I say I'm writing a book. I need to think about a solution for that. Much love <3

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  26. I am so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. I hope you find a way out..for your sake and the sake of your children. My prayers are with you.

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    1. Thank you Jessica. Prayers are never rejected. God is listening :)

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  27. Nikky, my thoughts are with you. Based on what Pat says, it is not so easy in Lebanon to take your kids and get out. (Not that it's ever easy). But it sounds like it's more urgent than ever to do anything you can to be safe, you and your children. All of these things he says about you, in front of the children ... toxic, toxic. How can he not see what we--friends and followers--see: such a strong, beautiful person.
    You deserve to get away from his rants, from the pain he inflicts, to start healing in a loving, healthy place.

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    1. You are so right Lisa. The situation is so toxic for my children, I know.
      When you said "How can he not see what we--friends and followers--see: such a strong, beautiful person" I realized that that is the real problem. As long as I was weak, depressed, and not believing I was worth anything "good" he was OK. It's only when I started to open my eyes, to read, to understand what is wrong and what is good, that he lost control over me and that drove him crazy.

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  28. It's amazing how you undergo so much with so much of strength and courage!

    I guess I would have broken down long back had all this happened with me, or perhaps left him and gone off. Things when once take a bitter turn, rarely get alright and it causes a drift in relationships Nikky. I honestly don't think he can ever get that trust and faith back in you, unless you really try explaining things to him in detail about everything, starting from the time things went soar.

    May He give you more strength and courage to deal with things and yes, it's good that you learn to let go, though it's not so easy. :)

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    1. Thank you Harleena. I also never thought I could deal with all that. In fact, anytime something happen, I feel I have reached the maximum, I feel i can't go on and my life is over. Then I find a new strength, a power, it comes from Love, and I make one step forward.
      I don't think he ever lost trust in me because even if I stay home 24/7, he would still pretend i am seeing someone etc. He just wants to have control, to scare me.

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  29. Nicole: you are in my prayers. May God protect you and give you strength. Much love! ~Missy

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    1. Thank you Missy!! Much love to you <3

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  30. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and wisdom to withstand such an onslaught. In fact it takes the very qualities you're being told you don't have. I hope that you are surrounded by loving support from others to help you through this time. You certainly have a lot of support in cyberspace.

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    1. Thank you Galen. The love and support I am getting here is the only one I have. In fact the day it happened, I told my colleague how bad things have been and gave her the link to my Blog, she said: No, sorry I'm not interested :(

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  31. I count myself extremely lucky not to have suffered as others have. You are in my thoughts and I what strikes me most of all is that you need help to build you self-esteem and belief in yourself.

    You are not ever responsible for the conduct of others, their reactions or their feelings. We can only ever be responsible for our own and that, at times is hard work enough.

    Like you I have been very low myself but, sweetheart, there is help out there for you. Try and be brave enough to seek it as without a shadow of a doubt you are already a very courageous lady to have endured all you have. You are remarkable. You are worthwhile investing time in. You deserve every happiness the world could possibly have to offer. But you must believe that for yourself.

    Please Nikky seek some support from the professional services that know how to help first. They will only ever guide you, not impose things on you that you don't want and don't deserve. They will not abuse, misunderstand or be disrespectful of you. They will help you to believe in yourself and find joy in your life. And they will also guide you toward real life healthy and happy relationships too.

    I know you can do this. As for your friend... some people sadly are too afraid to get involved or have troubles of their own so they simply can't. I have hopes though that you will find better ones or that maybe something will happen to make them appreciate you more.

    Remember, if you've been strong enough to endure this, you are also strong enough to recover from it. Oceans of love from the UK and huge comforting hugs.

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    1. Thank you very much for your concern and help. I know that I need help, and I have now great family/friends online who are doing everything possible to help me. On another hand, I have worked with psychologists and had regular sessions since 2007. I had to stop recently, but as soon as I can, I will continue my therapy.
      Much love <3

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  32. Found you these to get you started, will be adding them to my blogsite http://mindwalking-ajournalofdiscovery.blogspot.co.uk/ especially because of you.

    http://www.safehorizon.org/
    http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbID=DB_HelpfulContacts859
    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

    I hope you find these helpful and if anyone else has any links, please let Nikky know.

    If you are in the UK, you might bump into a family member of mine who works at a refuge centre, so here are some UK sources of help listed as one link.

    http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/domestic_abuse_links.html

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    1. Thank you again for sharing those links with me.I have checked them and found some very useful information when it comes to signs we must notice, to red flags etc, but unfortunately I can't use their help else than for gathering information. Living in the Middle East is a complete different story. You can check an article Patricia my friend has shared in a comment. It explains a little about the situation.

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  34. Sending a prayer to the Universe for strength and answers for you and your children. And sending you tons of love and hugs. take care.

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    1. Thank you very much Suzy <3
      Much love to you too <3

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  35. The only thing that will pull you out of that depression is to stop believing his lies and start taking back your power. We believe in you!

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    1. Thank you Rachel. You are right, I need to stop believing his lies, but I also need not to listen to them anymore :(

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  36. Hello Nikky -- I think where you live is such a different culture that any words of advice I give suggest on what to do would seem ireelevant.

    I can't tell you what to do -- I can tell you his words are not your truth -- no matter what culture you are in -- his words are not your truth. They are the lies he must tell to make what he is doing appear right.

    His words are not your truth.

    It is hard to not let an abusers words sink into your spirit when you are right there in the presence of their poison. Anything you do to shield yourself, will also remove you on a spiritual level from being present.

    Be brave dear Nikky. Be strong.

    You are right. Being amongst people who care is vital.

    Love and light.

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    1. Thank you so much Louise. I always appreciate your comments and the love i feel in every word you say. Thank you so much <3 Love you

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  37. I took one look at the title of your blogpage and I thank God you started with strength...I think your strength lies on articulating the hurts you have had in the past and you are now facing them one by one... they emerge now because I think, you are ready to handle them.

    I am praying for you and I truly wish you peace in every way. God bless. You are loved.

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    1. You are so right Melissa. I am ready now to face all my past and all the challenges of the future because now I am not alone, because now I feel loved and worthy.
      I really appreciate all your comments. Thank you so much for being my friend <3

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  38. Hi, Are you still with this person??

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